The Language of Parenthood

Becoming a parent changes your life. It makes you see the world in a whole new different way. You can never understand the joy of motherhood until you have experienced it. Nevertheless, it is a challenge, and it is not always easy. It is a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. There will be good days, bad days, and times in between. The best advice I can give a parent is to keep a light heart and never lose their sense of humor! You are going to find yourself in situations you never imagined possible, and you will find yourself saying some things that you probably never thought you'd say.

One of the most common phrases I have to say now that my son is a toddler, after doing a double-take when he comes running in half-naked, is "Where are your pants, son?" After searching the house for a few minutes, I often find myself exclaiming "Oh, here they are!" as I pull them out of some place like the refrigerator or the oven. Then, of course, for the umpteenth time that day, I have to chase down my son and get him to lay still. "All right, let's put your pants back on. Little boys have to wear clothes just like everyone else." I don't know how many times I must say it before he'll get it. I'm guessing a lot.

Another phrase that I find myself saying quite a bit is "Where is my cell phone?" Now, I'll admit: sometimes I misplace it myself. I've left it in the car, in my purse, in my pants which were thrown in the hamper. I can never keep up with it. However, many times my son is the one who hides it. His favorite hiding place for it, lately, is in the microwave of his play kitchen. He neatly places it next to a plastic piece of pizza and shuts the door. Unfortunately, he's also grabbed it, ran into the bathroom, and chucked it into the toilet or tub numerous times.

Did you know the RAZR has a water damage indicator on the back? Mine is almost completely red now. Don't worry if yours gets wet. It will wig out for a while, and the buttons may stop working...or start working overtime... But, if you take the battery out, leave it open, and place it on the counter, it will dry...and eventually it will work (almost) as good as new. I had heard that these phones were temperamental, but having a child has taught me that the RAZR is actually incredibly resilient. My son has banged it on the floor, thrown it across the room... It has survived, amazingly.

In all actuality, questions beginning with "Where is" will come quite frequently. The answers will be even more interesting. The question: where are my panties? The answer: in the litter box. The question: where is the baby? The answer: in the bathroom, eating the dog's food. The question: where are our son and my panties? The answer: the baby is in the litter box, eating your panties. That has never actually happened to us before--yet. I imagine one day it will. Anything is possible when you have a child.

There is an amazing number of exclamations you will utter that start with the word "Don't!" or "Stop!" They will range from "Stop pulling that cat's tail!" to "Don't touch that dog poop!" Most of the time, these phrases are spoken in vain. You're going to have to catch your child before he reaches for something and grabs hold, or it's too late. He is probably not going to release the cat's tail or let go of the dog poop until you make him. You will also most likely have to clean a cat scratch with iodine and/or wash a hand with soap and water as well. "Don't" is almost useless in the early years.

Parenthood is a wondrous thing. I find myself full of awe at my son on a daily basis. I find it incredible when he learns to do something new, like climb upstairs. You will say "I can't believe..." a lot. Sometimes it will be "I can't believe he's walking already," and sometimes it will be "I cannot BELIEVE he climbed up on the table, jumped that high, and managed to swing from the chandelier!" More commonly it will be, "I cannot believe how much poop there is!" or "I can't believe such a little nugget of poop made that man-sized stench!"

Your baby will sometimes have poopy blow-outs, when she takes a dump so powerful that it shoots up the back of her onesie and stops at the nape of her neck. Toddlers may have mini blow-outs, which leave a little dollop of poop peeking out of their diaper. Inevitably whenever this happens, your child will rub his butt on everything before you notice the smell. One day your child will reach into his diaper, pull out poop, and smear it around the room; it is unavoidable. You won't believe the damage that can be done before you realize he's not just banging on the walls to annoy the neighbors. The smell of toddler poo is overpowering--until a child is being mischievous with it.

If a question starts with "why," you probably don't want to know. If it starts with "how," you probably never will. If the door is shut, you'd probably rather not see whatever you're going to see when you open it. In our home, the answer to "Why is the bathroom door shut?" is that our son is unrolling the toilet paper all over the room. The answer to why your child's poop looks a certain way usually lies in what he's been eating, and you probably don't want to know. Why are the corn kernels coming out whole? There's a reason; I know it. But trust me: you don't want to know. As for the things you will never know, they include: how he fit the fruit loop up his tiny nose, how he swallowed a penny without choking, and how he managed to get food stuck to the ceiling.

If you have more than one child, you may find yourself saying "Who did it?" a lot. "Who decided to feed the fish macaroni and cheese?" The usual answer will be "not me!" Good luck discerning who the guilty party is. Hopefully you'll be able to say things like "Who did the dishes?" more often, but it's not a probability. The answer to that question, by the way, will be "I did!" You will then have to figure out which child is the little angel responsible for cleaning up the kitchen. Again, good luck with that. My second won't be born until September, so I have little advice for handling those situations.

There is a magical word that I think is gone from the vocabulary of some parents. That word is "no." It's not likely to work at first, but your child will eventually get it. At first, it will cause them to stop and look back at you, hesitating a moment before going through with their plans. This gives you a chance to run over and stop them. Later on, it will deter them to some other act of mischief. One day, it may even prevent them from being "naughty" altogether. Your child will undoubtedly learn this word, so I suggest you learn it, too. You'll also have to say "No means NO!" quite a bit.

Not everything you exclaim or every question you pose will be funny. You'll be saying "Calm down," "go to sleep," "eat your dinner," all the time. Some things just aren't funny. A lot of times, you'll find yourself saying something that you don't even realize is funny until weeks later when you look back on it. Try to notice the humor in everyday life. Having a little chuckle at the antics of your son--when he's not looking, of course--can be a great stress-reliever. There are times when we must be serious, but it is okay to lighten up. You have a much higher chance of survival if you know how to laugh.

Some people--probably those who do not have children or those who do and are just SUPER moms--are probably reading this with their jaws dropped down. They are longing to scream the word "neglect" and to shout "Whatever happened to parental supervision?" No matter how closely you watch your child, he will get into mischief. He'll wait until you're thoroughly engrossed in an 8-minute segment of Lost, going potty, or having a 5-minute snooze on the couch. Another phrase you're going to have to learn as a parent is "Parents aren't perfect." A much more useful one, however, is "Mind your own business!" The classic "Judge not." is also great.