The Laser Star Projector - or How I Bought a $130 Pet Toy

In my never ending quest to get some restful sleep or decompress from the general workaday stresses of life, I decided to buy the HPI Hong Kong Limited Laser Star Projector. At $130 ($119 plus tax) at Spencer Gifts Online, I don't know why I just didn't invest in some Vicodin and chamomile - God knows it's cheaper - but I thought coupling the projector star display with my nighttime ocean sounds could only mean a winning solution for my sleep woes. It turns out that too much stimulus is not what the body needs when it craves rest.

Not that the projector doesn't do its job. It actually does its job too well. The night sky projector is approximately 11 inches tall with an oval base. Perched on a low wooden stool in the corner of my bedroom, the double lens projector fills my ceiling with a dazzlingly vivid and moving sky show. Not "moving" as in emotionally stirring, but "moving" as in the twin lenses rotate so that the constellation points move at various speeds in a somewhat random pattern across my ceiling. Although not astronomically accurate, the laser beamed points of light fill my entire ceiling with a pretty impressive display - there's easily thousands of stars of varying intensity to give a layered three dimensional look.

At first I was disappointed that the stars were green dots. This didn't seem true to life, but I quickly realized that a night sky with white points of light would have rendered the room too bright to induce any sleep or relaxation. At least with the green lighting, the effect was muted, but no less impressive. Adding another dimension of reality, there's an adjustable knob that allows the projection of a swirling blue cloud or nebula in the center of the display. It's eerily beautiful and realistic, however if you put it at maximum intensity, it makes the room glow a bright blue. I don't want my bedroom to look like a Rave, so I either omit the gas cloud altogether or keep it at a very faint level.

The unit itself is super simple to use. All you need to do is plug it in and point the dual projection lenses toward a ceiling or wall. Projection works best when the surface is painted white or a very light color and the room is pitch black, the darker the better. There's also a built-in slot for optional wall mounting and the manufacturer suggests that the unit not run more than 4 hours at a time.

Unfortunately, I can't recommend this projector to help anyone fall asleep. For one, the unit's motor makes a distinct humming noise that I'm not able to tune out. For an insomniac, even the least unobtrusive noise becomes unacceptable. Add the lively, swirling light display, and the stimulus is just too much to bear. It doesn't help matters when my cat furiously pounces and strikes at the random moving dots. Lying supine on my bed, obsessing over the hum of the projector and peripherally catching the cat popping up onto the walls, is not my idea of rest and relaxation - it's an acid trip gone terribly wrong.

Still, the projector is fun and somewhat relaxing if you just want to decompress or take your mind off the day. I'm sure kids will love it and stoners will never know how they lived without it. Just don't use it as a sleep aid or you'll be sorely disappointed.