The Last Minute Retirement Plan

Recently I shared with a friend that I didn't have a retirement plan. Going a bit psycho on me, she screamed, "What? You don't have a retirement plan? Are you crazy?"

I must admit that she got me thinking about it, so I started looking at my options. At this age, I'm not sure the normal 401-K type plan would work for me since I don't have a job. And if I take the money I'm making writing for the Yahoo Network and put it into savings, I probably could retire when I'm about 135, but that didn't seem very plausible either.

Then inspiration hit me in the face in the form of a Tennessee Power Ball commercial, and that sucker was up around 150 million dollars. Let's see, if I could win that, give the government their half, I'd still have enough to live comfortably for the rest of my days.

One problem, though, I don't live in Tennessee, but it was only an hour drive to the state line, so the next morning off I went in search of my fortune. Since they drew the numbers on Saturdays and Wednesdays, and I thought the fact that it was Wednesday, it seemed meant to be. I'd sneak in there at the last minute and buy the winning ticket. How hard could it be? I only had to come up with six winning numbers between something like 1 and 60.

I had seen a show on TV about lottery winners, and each one of them said they had closed their eyes and just let the numbers come to them. That was my plan. I would just close my eyes and let my subconscious commune with the universe and endow me with the magic numbers.

After I stopped for a tank of gas which costs me $40.00, I was on my way. About half-way to Tennessee, my stomach reminded me that in my zeal that I had forgotten to eat breakfast, so when I spied a Huddle House, I decided to pull in for a bite to eat. That plate of bacon and eggs cost me another $6.00 or so.

Finally, I got to the little convenience store right across the Tennessee state line and eagerly walked in. There were two cashiers, one with no customers and another with about 10 people in line. The sign above the counter said lottery tickets could only be purchased at the one with all the people, so I got in line.

After about a 15-minute wait, I walked up to the counter and told the man, "I want to play the Power Ball Lottery."

"Do you want me to print you off a ticket?"

"No, no. I want to use my own numbers," I said.

"Where's your sheet with the numbers?" I must have looked confused because he said, "You need to go over there, get a sheet and fill out your numbers and then come pay."

I got the sheet from a small stand, and sat at a little booth, I looked it over. Holding my head back and closing my eyes, I waited on the numbers to spring forth. I must have looked a little sick, because a woman put her hand on my shoulder and asked, "Are you all right, honey?"

Opening my eyes, I looked at her and said, "Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking." Again, I closed my eyes and waited. Nothing from the universe so far. I opened my eyes and glanced around the store thinking maybe the universe would contact me with something within eyesight. All I saw was a Butterfinger candy bar on the shelf that I figured I better get before I left the store.

Finally, I gave up on the universe and got back in the lottery-only line for another 15-minute wait. "You decided on your numbers?" the nice man asked.

"I think I'll just take one that you print out. I can't seem to decide which numbers I want." I handed him my money, and he handed me the ticket. Then after getting my Butterfinger and a Diet Coke to wash it down, I left the store. That set me back another $3.00.

That night I anxiously clutched my lottery ticket I had to sit through the local Memphis news at 10:00 because that's when they show the winning numbers. I sat through three stories of people attacking each other, one story of a council woman getting picked up for drunk driving, and three angry people ranting about their neighbor's messy yard.

As they drew the numbers, I held my breath. The first number I didn't have, and the second number I didn't have. By the time the third number came out, I knew I was doomed. I did have one number, but I realized that wouldn't even reimburse me the price of that Butterfinger.

When the hubby came in the room and heard me grumbling, he said, "Didn't win, huh?"

"No, I didn't. The universe let me down." But not to be discouraged, I think I have another plan. I still have one rich relative that is still speaking to me.