The Lay Doula

Anyone who's had the honor of being asked to stand by a friend or relative while she labors and delivers her baby has been given a great honor. Birth is an intense and amazing process. The mother needs a great deal of support and encouragement.

Doctors, midwives, and doulas are all trained in the technical and medical aspects of labor and delivery. Often a natural choice for a "labor coach" is the baby of the father. But there are some times when he is either unwilling or unavailable to stand at the bedside of the laboring mother. A friend or relative taking that place at the side of the bed may feel a little uncomfortable or out of place in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the delivery room. But if the mother has asked you to attend, it was because she trusts you and wants you there.

While your role won't be the same as a professional care-giver, you can still provide a tremendous amount of support to the mother.

Physical Support

You don't have to know anything about birth (although that helps) to provide physical support for a laboring woman. She'll let you know what she needs. That might simply be a hand to squeeze during contractions. It might be brushing her hair back from her face, holding a cool washcloth to her forehead, or rubbing her back or legs. While the medical professionals are doing their thing, you can be looking for the small, comforting ways to help her cope with labor.

Emotional Support

Sometimes what a laboring mom needs most is a word of encouragement, or some reassurance. Her perception of what is going on may be different because of the intensity of labor, or being "loopy" from drugs that are meant to "take the edge off" contractions. She may feel like she's been cut loose from her moorings, especially after the drugs start taking effect. As someone she chose to attend her birth, and someone who can focus on her and not on the monitor or her physical condition, you can be an emotional life-jacket for her. You can also do her a huge favor by assuring her that she can say anything she wants, and holler as loud as she wants, and that you won't be offended or embarrassed. Above all support her choices even if they wouldn't be yours. Childbirth is not the time to badger a woman into doing what you think is best. If she wants to go natural, keep the "You don't have to be a martyr" comments to yourself. If she asks for an epidural, don't whip out a Natural Birther's Creed to read to her. If she knows you well enough to have asked you to attend her baby's birth, you know her well enough to be aware of what will encourage her. Use those words.

Post-Birth Care

Delivery of the baby isn't the end, it's just the beginning. The new mom may need you as much during the first couple of days after delivery as she did during labor. She may just need someone to keep her company. She'll definitely need reassurance that she's going to be a fine mom and that while the early days (or months) can be hard, she and her baby will eventually figure each other out and develop a deeply bonded and loving relationship. Awash with hormones, she may need a shoulder to cry on. Again, try not to push your opinion or parenting style, but focus on ways that you can encourage the mom, let her know that she's normal, the baby's normal, and that everything is going to be OK.

Don't forget that the new mother has honored you with allowing you into a very intimate, very intense part of her life. Done well, walking through labor with her can deepen the trust and mutual admiration that undergirds your friendship.