The Life Penalty

I finally figured out why I'm against the death penalty. It hit me as I was bending over in the shower to pick up the soap. Here goes: If I were convicted of kidnapping a young infant girl, raping her, killing her, and feeding her body to my pet shark...the highest, most severe penalty against me would entail being tied to a hospital bed, having my arm rubbed with alcohol, then being peacefully sedated.

That's not fair at all. This is America! We slaughtered the Native Americans, imprisoned the Japanese immigrants and enslaved the Blacks. These groups didn't do anything wrong! But when some psycho decides to go on a killing spree, we respond with a state-sponsored overdose. Come on...

People who advocate capital punishment are somehow convinced that death is the worst thing that could possibly happen to a person...the ultimate penalty...as if any existence is better than none at all.

But if being alive is so great, why do we have so many people who DON'T want to live? Starving people...people with chronic illnesses who can't take a breath without pain...people with severe mental disorders. These days, suicide is the 8th leading cause of death! Remember Dr. Kevorkian? He had people lined up to soak their veins with the premium stuff that only murderers could have. To me, this shows that life can be so unbearable that death seems like a welcome event.

So...instead of the death penalty, we need to make these criminals so miserable that they say, "Come on, guard, just hook my testicles up to that toaster." The realist in me says that since the death penalty won't be going away any time soon, we should make capital punishment more exciting.

Serial rapist? He puts his penis where it doesn't belong? No problem. Drop the guy off at the Castro wearing nothing but a leather suit with a hole in the back. Have contests to see which rapist can fit the most penises in him at once. He'll want to die eventually, so you give him some control over his death...and implant a bomb about ten inches from his rectum that can only be triggered by anal intercourse. When an appropriately-sized phallus touches it, BOOM! You'd be getting rid of a murderer and a gay black guy. Republicans would be all over this idea.

Drug smugglers? Get the entire cartel into a plane, give everyone a parachute and make them jump. Only one parachute will actually open. In a moment of poetic justice, the other parachutes are stuffed with baking soda. As the lucky guy glides gently to the ground, DEA trainees get some target practice.

What about a pay-per-view event? I think the UFC could get involved in this. Put two murderers in a cage and let them beat the snot out of each other until someone's dead. Then, you drag the dead guy out and send someone else in. You repeat the process until there's only one man standing. You load the champion into a cannon that's pointed towards a brick wall about 50 feet away. Now...this brick wall has a one-foot by one-foot hole in the middle. If he can aim correctly and get through the hole, he's free. If not, SPLAT!