The Loss of a Child

Nothing is more tragic than the loss of a child, whether it is through illness, accident, or a crime of violence. It touches the lives of everyone who is connected with the grieving parents in any way.

Friends and acquaintances do not know what to say. At the same time, those who have children of their own may themselves be struggling with ambivalent feelings-gratitude that they still have their children, but guilt at feeling that way.

Those who are directly affected by the loss of a child are not aware of this. They have their own grief to deal with. And, for some, they feel as though their feelings need to be set aside so that they can provide comfort to the grieving parents.

For spouses, this may be especially true. Even though each one is dealing with the bereavement process personally, he or she may feel that it is important to "remain strong" for the other one. The spouse who feels obligated to take on this responsibility may think that the time for their grief can occur after everything has been taken care of.

Although well-meaning, it is thoughts such as these and others, however, which can actually hinder the grief process, something that will be experienced and eventually have to be acknowledged. The grief process has several distinct phases which can include denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. At some time during the bereavement period, and even after the initial period has passed, both spouses will have to go through each phase.

There is no time limit on how quickly or how slowly progression through each phase will be. Further, it is not unusual for grieving parents to return to a phase that was thought to have passed. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross mentions this in her book "On Death and Dying" and this is discussed further by Dave Straker in his book "Changing Minds" and on his website.

Mr. Straker states: "Another trap is that when a person moves on to the next phase, they have not completed an earlier phase and so move backwards in cyclic loops that repeat previous emotion and actions. Thus, for example, a person that finds bargaining not to be working, may go back into anger or denial."

The denial and isolation periods may be intertwined, or they may come separately. Initially, denial will probably be evident upon first hearing the news of the child's death, if the parents weren't there to witness it, as can sometimes be the case in accident or violent situations. This may last right up until the time the parent actually views the child's body.

The isolation may come immediately after, or it may occur anywhere from days to months after the funeral. For some people, isolation is hard to come by during the first few days following the child's death as there will be family members and visitors present. For some parents, this may provide comfort and it is only after the funeral has occurred and everyone has returned to their lives that the desire to be alone will really surface.

Anger can occur at any time during the grief process. Again, it may be immediate, particularly if the death was caused by a violent incident, or it may come long after the loss of a child has occurred.

The bargaining stage can often come even before the child's death, especially in the cases of illness. This is known as "anticipatory grief". A parent may think, and in some instances actually voice, the desire to be the one to be taken, or make promises to God or others if the child's life will be spared. On this subject, Gordon H. Cook said, "...However, people do not always move smoothly through stages of grief, often repeating these "stages" many times over."

Depression, too, can come both before and after death. For some spouses, this phase may last the longest, even requiring the use of medication to help them cope. The final stage of grief is acceptance. Grieving parents will be quick to admit that although this stage does eventually arrive in a small way, there will never be full acceptance.

If you have experienced the loss of a child, there are truly no words that can be spoken or written that can bring peace and comfort. Only time and your religious faith (if you practice such) will help you through this trial.

However, if this article has helped in any way, such as allowing you to recognize the stage of grief that you are currently in, or helping you to understand that it is possible to repeat grief stages, then perhaps you will be able to find some comfort in that. Allow yourself time to grieve, and to work through the grief process. There is no set time when grief will or must end.