The Loss of Self - Growing Up in a Sexually Abusive Home

Growing up in a sexually abusive home creates a host of negative emotions within us; this includes fear, anxiety and shame. As difficult as these emotions are to deal with, one of the more damaging aspects is a loss of self. As I thought back over my own life, especially during early school years, I was able to objectively look at the many ways I was denied the ability to become my own person.

Controlling the Abused Child
As a school age child, I was presented with many opportunities to be a part of social activities outside the school and outside my home. I had my heart set on joining 4-H along with a close friend from school. I signed up at school and then told my mom about it afterward. I did attend a couple of meetings and made some new friends. However, my membership in 4-H was quickly cut short. I remember my mother talking to the leader on the phone one day as she explained to her that I would not be returning for the meetings. I did not understand why at the time, but looking back on it from an adult perspective, I realized that it was too risky for me to participate in social activities. It was a must for me to be closely monitored and kept quiet. The fear of my exposing the family secret of sexual abuse was just too great. Sexually abusive homes are usually very closed off in order to prevent exposure of the abuse.

No Support or Encouragement to Succeed
As a child, my long-term passions were reading and writing. I was very good at writing and spelling, something which just came easy for me. I was constantly composing short poems and stories and enjoyed the process involved in expressing myself. In my Tweens, I shared some of my poems and stories with my mother. I don't recall receiving any compliments or encouragement to continue writing; so I became a "closet writer". Throughout my childhood and youth I wrote more poems and stories and simply put them away inside a box. It was my own private stash of stories and poems and was not to be shared with anyone. Perhaps this is why I had such a difficult time at first with sharing my writing online. More than ten years ago, I began to write at an online site. I posted a couple of articles and then returned to delete them. I did that repeatedly for quite some time, until some of my fellow writers began to compliment me on my writing. The positive feedback was something I really needed at that time and many people were good enough to do that. In time, and with more healing for my wounded soul, I have been able to stand on my own two feet and write freely. I have overcome the lack of support and encouragement that I needed early in life. That support did not come from family, but from strangers who received me and acknowledged that I had something worth saying.

It truly takes time for a child who has been sexually abused and denied social outlets to grow and mature. As we reach our teens and those all important dating years, we feel awkward and self-conscious. I learned by watching others around me and as I learned, I realized how very different my home life was from so many others. After reaching adulthood and leaving my family behind, I learned most of my social skills from friends and other families. Gradually the self-consciousness and awkwardness has been replaced with a better understanding of who I am as a person. As survivors, we are able to learn the skills needed to function well in this world and to appreciate and enjoy who we are as unique individuals who just happened to grow up in a stifling and abusive home. We are able to move from victim to survivor to over-comer!

Source:

My Life