The Madness of Modern Motherhood

I have just finished a most interesting analysis of American motherhood, Perfect Madness, by Judith Warner. While the author is a sold out feminist and therefore envisions solutions to the problem that I completely disagree with, I still found the book very engaging, because I think her perception of the problem of American motherhood (what she calls "this Mess") is right on.

The main assertion of Perfect Madness is that American mothers are obsessive, compulsive, overbearing, smothering, tired--no, exhausted, and guilty. Women are extended to the max trying to keep up with all the things experts say are necessary for healthy and normal child development. And then they extend themselves even further on the misassumption that they can mold their children into prodigies if they only try hard enough.

As well, there is this insane drive that nearly everyone in our culture has to "succeed", rather than just be happy. We must "succeed" and therefore we must get into the top jobs, the top colleges, the top highschools, the top preschools, the top daycares. The pressure starts in infancy and never lets up. We don't do things out of enjoyment or passion anymore--we do them because they will build up our resumes

I completely agree with Ms. Warner that this is a problem. I attended school with overachieving students and wondered when exactly they had time to sleep. I now see overachieving mothers and wonder the same thing, and I also wonder when they let their children sleep. And I see young women who are terrified of motherhood because of the burden of perfection our society has put on them and because there is no place for a woman who wants to just enjoy her kids.

The fear of failing as a mother weighs us down before conception even happens. If you don't believe me, just pick up a few parenting and family magazines, and check off all the "very important" things (like making holiday-appropriate cakes and developing world-class but still "simple" birthday parties every year, for every child) you don't do for your children. You'll start feeling guilty.

Perfect Madness also addresses the medication and self-medication (in the form of eating disorders, a variety of "allergies", alcohol, and even meth) of modern women, in an attempt to control the world around them (she refers to herself and her peers as a generation of control freaks), and the increasingly prevalent "diagnosis" of children with develpmental delays, allergies, and disorders as yet another method of control. Not that some women and children don't suffer from actual medical problems, but that labeling people as having "disorders" has become a convenient control and coping mechanism, forcing routine and giving excuses, while the rest of the world spins out of control.

Finally, Perfect Madness deals with the issue of attachment, pointing out that while previous generations may have parented with methods bordering on neglect in our modern opinion, today's mother feels that her child must be entertained, taught, and stimulated every waking moment of every day, which is clearly an exhausting and daunting prospect. Even if the mother works, she must be sure that the child-care is top-notch, so that her child is never left doing things like gazing out a window or playing without purpose. Attendent to this is catering to the modern child's every whim, even when it hurts and inconveniences others.

The example Ms. Warner gave was the child gets to the point of only eating one kind, no, one shade of orange mac'n'cheese, and nothing else. Modern motherhood doesn't require anything of children, it caters to them. Another example was a family offering a woman a ride home, but when their child complained because she was used to sitting in the back seat alone, the parents stopped the car, and told the "offending" woman to get out. They left her in the middle of nowhere, alone, without transportation, because they didn't want their daughter to feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

So far, so good, right? Well, while I agree with the analysis of the problems of modern motherhood, I think Judith Warner is completely off with her solution. Her answer to all the ills of today's mothers is basically this, repeated throughout the book: More women should work more, nobody should feel guilty for leaving even an infant in daycare for many hours, and the government should provide top-notch daycare and preschool centers and give parents the option of leaving their child there as much as 10 hours per day.

Don't worry about breastfeeding or infant bonding. Don't worry about missing milestones. Just fulfill yourself and your children will be happy for you. Ms. Warner's idea of heaven is France, actually, where stay-at-home-momism isn't so common, and the daycares are her idea of perfection. It isn't until the end of the book that she admits that working moms in France are also frazzled, and French children face enormous pressure to excell, and certain French parenting methods leave a little something to be desired. So Paradise isn't really Paradise after all.

Unlike Judith Warner, I do believe children need their moms presence daily, especially as infants. In that sense, I agree with the "attachment theories". And unlike her, I view much of attachment parenting as a helpful tool, rather than a burden. I don't know that I would have survived early motherhood if I'd had to fiddle with bottles and brushes and plastic nipples every time my kids needed a drink. When want to lie down and zone out, all I have to do is make sure the room is safe, make sure I am wearing and easy access blouse, and collapse.

My little ones could clamber over me, snack when they needed to, and have me there (in body, at least) while I got some much needed rest. I co-slept for the same reason, it was easier for all invovled. I didn't wear my children in a sling because I thought they'd detach from me if I didn't. I just found it easier to "wear" them than listen to grating screams many hours of every day. While I believe all these things are beneficial to my children, that is only one reason for doing them, and if I found a plan that benefitted them and myself more, I switched gears. (and all this is one reason why I do not fit into "mainstream" parenting circles, or "attachment" parenting circles)

However, as an at-home mom, there is no way I can burden myself with today's expectations of the SAHM and expect a happy, healthy family. We are so home-oriented that we are boring. We hit the library, we walk in the park, and that's about it. We don't do regular "playdates", we don't do preschool or kindergarten, and I do not present my infants with flashcards and sign language in the hopes of getting them into the very best daycare (and eventually college) available. My kids haven't even finger painted yet (am I dooming them to a life of mental mediocrity?). I want my littles to be happy, healthy, and secure, not "successful" and good test takers.

Furthermore, as they grow, I want them to continue being happy, healthy and secure, and to follow their passions and God's calling rather than cultural expectations. If that means a child of mine grows up to become a business tycoon and multi-billionaire, fine, as long as he's a moral and ethical business tycoon, of course. But if a child of mine feels called to live in a hut in the wilds of an unreached jungle, translating the Bible, that won't bother me either. I don't feel pressure to have a lifestyle on the same level as my parents (which is rather modest, actually), and I certainly have no desire whatsoever for a half-million dollar house which I have to keep spotless, but never live in because I'm working to pay the mortgage.

But too many young couples now view home-ownership as a necessity, and our perception of a "starter home" has gone from a small cottage with a little work to be done to a $400,000 McMansion. To give our kids "the best", we have to pay $15 for each onesie at the right store, hundreds for mentally stimulating toys and gadgets, and then we up it to thousands as they hit the teen years and want to have everything their peers have, because they've been conditioned from birth to be cool, up-to-date, and popular. Nothing less will do. Of course motherhood is frightening, overwhelming, and guilt-inducing if you follow this pattern!

Strangely enough, the day I got this book from the library, I also had a chance to view, for the first time, two TLC programs on the Duggar family. Michelle Duggar is the antithesis of the stressed out mom in Perfect Madness. She's home-oriented, she's got a system, she's organized, she's not stressed out and miserable, and she's got 16 (or is it more now?) vibrant and active children. How is this possible?

Contrary to some people's opinions, the Duggar's haven't beaten their children into a state of robotic obedience, which should be clear to anyone who watches anything about them. The Duggar children have unique personalities, are bright, interested in the world around them, active, energetic, and a little noisy. Mrs. Duggar isn't a stressed-out do-it-all working mom, she isn't an over-achiever, and she obviously isn't the type of stay-at-home mom who feels compelled to have body and eye contact with her children every moment of every day. She couldn't physically do that.

She's got what I want. Balance. Organization. Contentment. Love. Peace. But how?

Michelle Duggar and many other women I know have figured out how to enjoy mothering. They are home centered but not child-centric. Meaning they do devote their lives to their home and family, but don't transform themselves into personal slaves of their children. Rather than conforming their lives to their children's whims, they train their children to conform to the good of the family and to consider others first. Many of these mothers have 5 or more children, or desire to have large families, and many of them blog on how wonderful motherhood is, and how blessed they are to be at home, raising their children.

These women have the solution to the Perfect Madness problem. They don't find their identity in the world, in their work, in magazines or TV, in their husbands, or in their children's successes. Their identity is first and formost in Christ. With that as a foundation, it's hard to go wrong. They face the same worries any mother has for her child, but they don't allow those worries to become obsessions that push them into overdrive. They are more concerned about their children' hearts and souls than SAT scores or sports trophies.

The solution to "this Mess" is to readjust our attitudes and our practices. If our home life is a mess, going to work won't magically fix it. If our minds are a mess, seeking fulfillment in work won't straighten us out. If our children are a mess, pushing them harder won't put them back together again.

Rather than try to escape motherhood, we need to look at what we've done to make it so unbearable. And then, hardest of all things to do, we need to change what's wrong with us. Ouch.