The Male Midlife Crisis

Ladies: has your 35-50 year-old man suddenly begun acting even more weirdly than he usually does? Has he hatched plans for giving up his sales job, taking all your savings and going to South America to find a cure for cancer? Or has he shaved his head, bought a surfboard and acquired an 18-year old girlfriend? Or - nothing that extreme, but it seems like you're always fighting, he's wearing shorts in the winter, he's just not himself. He may even ask for a divorce. Hang on, girls, your beloved may be having a midlife crisis, otherwise known as "male menopause."

If you ask him what's wrong, you will not be enlightened by his replies (if there are any). He might say he doesn't know, or that he's just not satisfied with his life; now that the kids are grown he wants to toss the 6 passenger vehicle or the 9 passenger van and buy a sports car, or any number of other like "explanations." He doesn't know what's wrong, he just feels different, and only some big dramatic change can fix it. And you're supposed to go along with this, indeed you're expected to support his plans however they may disrupt your life.

If he would, or could, tell you what's wrong, you might be able to trace this odd behavior back to a time when he stood in front of a mirror and thought: "I'm 40 (or 45 or 55) and my time is limited. Eventually I'll die, but have I really lived? There's so many things I want to try, to do..." And he decides right there and then that he'll start, right now, he won't let another day slip by without catching up. The next thing you know, he's bought a hairpiece that looks like road kill on him, and signed up at the gym. Make no mistake, this is serious - 80% of suicides are men, and the rate at midlife is three times higher. It's a major turning point in his life, and he will never be the same as he was. He may deeply regret his behavior, especially if it is something that has made you miserable, like infidelity, but he can neither explain or control it.

Go ahead and protest. Tell him what will happen if he follows his dream of ditching home, family and job to drive an RV across the country mowing lawns for a living, how you and the children will suffer. If the crisis is serious enough, and lasts long enough, you may find yourself in divorce court, trying to explain how this man you've known since childhood has suddenly turned into a stranger.

It is important, first, to realize that you have no responsibility here. Whatever you say or do will make no difference - it will end as it will end, with or without you. Yet you need to know what's going on with him; otherwise, you'll be blaming yourself - especially if he blames you. All that will do is make you feel worse than you do now, so don't buy into it. It's not true.

It's natural for you to want to take charge, of course. You were raised to be a caretaker, to take care of others, to smooth things out, to nurture and to be responsible for others. Don't try to diagnose, advise or explain what's going on to him, and don't change yourself in the hope of changing him - that kind of work should be done by a professional.

What's Behind It

Everyone from Venus to Pluto must know by now that men are raised to hide their emotions. They do have emotions, however unlikely it seems, but they're buried way deep down inside the whole concept of what it means to be a "man." Men are supposed to be strong, stoic, always in control of themselves. Women can shout with rage, weep, snarl, laugh hysterically, but men aren't encouraged to act out that way; they must keep their cool so they can resolve the problem without emotions entering into it (of course they do, but not officially). Many men act like they don't trust their emotions, like emotions are somehow dangerous and to be avoided at all costs. It's safer to pack them way down inside where they won't pop up suddenly to cause trouble.

But some emotions, such as the fear of death, will not be put off. When a man who has felt a youthful 25 through his 55th year suddenly realizes that he doesn't have that much time left, the shock can throw him into a deep depression and/or a complete freak out. He doesn't know what he should do, but he knows that something must be done. All around him people are dying in the newspapers, on TV, down the block. He's afraid, and he doesn't know what to do with this strange feeling. He's frustrated, wishing he'd picked another career ("You call this job a career?"), another wife, different children or none. He feels trapped in his narrow life that consists of job, home and family. He wants to break free but can't, because the cure will hurt worse than the disease. He's going to resent his wife because she at least can choose whether to work or stay home and he can't - there's too much responsibility riding on his shoulders, which have turned out to be more fragile than he ever suspected. And this may go on for months or even years.

It seems to be almost a criteria for male midlife crisis that a man wants to be supported through this troubling time, but not by his wife. He may say (most often, to a younger, prettier woman) "My wife doesn't understand me." Indeed, it is too often true that his wife understands him all too well. He may feel that considering his fealty, his labors, all the mundane tasks he's devoted his life to ("I've been taking out the garbage every day for 23 years, that's 8,395 trips to the garbage can!) entitle him now to seek a different life, perhaps with a new job or a new woman. Perhaps he'll settle for just having an affair.

So if you can't help him, what can you do?

? You can ride it out. It will require every bit of patience you can summon from your depths or beg or borrow from your support group. And you'll need a support group, as large as you can make it. If you can't find a support group for this exact situation, try Al-Anon - it grapples with some of the same problems. Or start a group yourself.

? Give the kind of help that will actually help. When he turns to you for affection make sure if you reject him, it's for a good reason. Remember, if he doesn't get this from you, he may seek it elsewhere.

? Keep in mind: his recovery is up to HIM.

? Try not to depend on him for your own emotional support at this time, as he's not likely to be able to give it. He's in pain, preoccupied with his own emotional health. You developed your support group for this purpose - use it.

? Give him enough space. He needs time and room to think through his problems himself (or with the help of a therapist). If he wants time alone or with his friends, if he's always at the golf course, don't complain, except to your support group.

? Explore your own independence. Find something uplifting to do: volunteer at the senior center, become a big sister. If he won't go to counseling, go yourself, and learn how to be a non-co-dependent. The more alone-time you can give him now, the better.

? Continue to be nice to him, and to all men. You may be tempted to complain about men in general, but we all know generalizations are never true, including this one. Don't use his crisis as an excuse to "male-bash."

? If you love him, let him know. Be as gentle and helpful as you can without taking any responsibility for his problem. Be sure he knows you still want him sexually, that you still value his efforts on the family behalf - praise him every chance you get. Stay positive about the problem and the relationship.

? If he wants to talk about it, listen. This means active listening, paying close attention to what he's saying and checking to make sure you haven't misunderstood: "What I hear you saying is that you want and need a new car, is that right?" Don't give advice or permission, and don't you dare tell anyone else. JUST LISTEN.

? Suggest some alternatives. Instead of hanging out in bars or moving to South America, "How about trying hang gliding? You've always wanted to do that, haven't you?" Or learning to fly, taking up cooking (or even housework, yeah!), or taking a car trip to Florida. A little thought will turn up dozens of these minor changes - some or all may do the trick for him. If he wants you to participate, do so if at all possible (tip: don't suggest anything you won't do yourself).

? Keep the communication going. Some women believe that the way to keep a man from straying is to give him all the sex he wants, but that's not it. The secret is communication. Just like your children, your husband or boyfriend should feel free to approach you with any problem and find you (1) welcoming, (2) listening actively, (3) eschewing advice (though you may make suggestions) and (4) faithful in keeping their secrets. Especially do not repeat his confidences to your girlfriends, your family, his friends or his family.

? If the marriage breaks, and you do find yourself divorced, consider that the crisis may pass, he may realize that he belongs at home, and ask to come back. What will you do then? And if it doesn't happen, what will you do?

? Remember, most men seek help only when their loved ones insist. Intervention may be necessary.

? Also necessary, exercise, a healthy diet, love, the care of the soul. May be necessary, individual and/or group psychotherapy, medications, their own support group, learning to love the person they are.

All right. You know what's happening and what you can do about it. Now get going!