The Male Mindset

That popular book that claims men are from the planet Mars and that we all hail from Venus makes some interesting points. Much of that whole series can be helpful in working through relationship problems.

That being said, men aren't from Mars. And you aren't from Venus. You're both from right here on the good ol' planet Earth and you have a great deal in common.

I've always had an issue with that idea of men as Martians. It conjures up a sense of difference that can really impede our ability to relate to one another. Guys aren't all that much different than you are. They value most of the same things and have very similar goals for their lives.

Don't think of your ex-boyfriend, or any guy for that matter, as a Martian.Start with the understanding that you're both human beings with similar objectives and dreams.

There is a slight difference

Now that I've covered that little pet peeve for a moment, it's time to start drawing distinctions between men an women. We are, after all, different. It's not just a matter of physical differences, either. It's a combination of those physical distinctions and socialization that produces slightly different outlooks on the world.

Notice again that I said "slightly" different outlooks. We sometimes like to pretend that men and women are wholly different species they aren't. When we think of guys as aliens we run the risk of behaving in ways that treat them more as creatures or science experiments than as human beings.

That kind of thinking and plotting usually fails to produce results because it leads us to mistakenly ignore the shared human component.

The fact that there are differences is, however, extremely important. Those slight differences in perspective can make a world of difference in matters of the heart and they play a critical role in working to get back together after a break up.

The old saying argues that "the devil is in the details." That's the absolute truth. The difference between connecting productively and fighting a failed uphill struggle is often in those details-in the distinctions between male and female outlooks on relationships.

Explaining the difference in general terms

Let's say we have two people (gender isn't important here) who are planning their day together. They have agreed on three agenda items for the day. They realize that time is limited and there is some possibility that they may only complete two of the three tasks if things don't go perfectly according to schedule.

They want to:

Go out for an ice cream cone

Paint the walls of their living room

Play a game of cards

The first person, let's call that individual Slight is a huge fan of ice cream. Absolutely loves the stuff. Slight also enjoys playing cards. Slight enjoys beautifying the home, but doesn't take quite as much pleasure in completing those projects as s/he does from those other two options.

Slight, therefore, wants to go out for ice cream, play a game of cards and then paint the walls. That way, if they run out of time Slight will get to do his/her favorite things for sure.

The second person, who we can call Difference, is excited about painting the house. Difference is thrilled at the prospect of making things look a little better. Difference, like Slight, has a sweet tooth and some ice cream sounds wonderful. Difference enjoys a good game of cards, too, but would certainly put that in third place on the preference list.

Slight and Difference share a desire for all three of the potential activities. They both like ice cream. They're both keen on repainting the living room. Both of them enjoy a card game, too. The difference between the outlooks of Slight and Difference is very slight indeed.

However, they'd like to approach the day in different ways. One may want "Ice cream, cards then painting" versus the other who would like "Painting, ice cream and then cards".

If we were discussing how to get a long with you ex-boyfriend, we'd start trying to figure out how they could best compromise their contradictory lists. That kind of controversy is inevitable in a relationship and learning how to deal with it is important. However, that's not why I told you about Slight and Difference.

Slight and Difference illustrate the slight difference in perspective between men and women. They share roughly the same goals and basically enjoy similar things. The difference is in how men and women prioritize those wants.

Slight and Difference don't come from different planets. One is not particularly unlike the other. They are really quite similar. One just likes painting more than ice cream, you know?