The Manual Manual

This guide was made for my heterosexual male friends, but anyone who enjoys lady parts (including their own) may benefit. If you pay close attention, I promise that you'll never wonder whether or not your girl faked her last dramatic "O." In fact, she'll probably start faking that she didn't orgasm so you can keep going. Your egos will stay completely intact. Why? That's because I'm confident that I can enlighten you on the complexity that is the female Rubik's Cube.

Before I continue, we have to establish that this isn't going to be a one-time thing. Like with everything else you've become an expert in, this will take self-restraint, discipline, and practice. No one learns to walk overnight. Also, note that the vulva comes in many beautiful shapes and sizes. I encourage you to pick up a book on female anatomy as well so you can avoid being sent home when you freak out over one you've never seen before. Solo sex is never as fun as when it's with someone else.

Let's start off by debunking the biggest myth of them all. No, you do NOT need to climax at the exact same time. Hollywood has produced a number of flicks that seem to indicate the only way to connect with your lover is by syncing up your groin-throbbing. Those same movies have heterosexual couples climaxing in less than two minutes. The average woman will take approximately twenty minutes before she orgasms. ("Google" all of these tidbits of knowledge!) That's not including mandatory foreplay that can take quite some time. It takes YOU anywhere between three and a whopping five minutes to ejaculate. If you're anything like my previous male lovers, (which, you probably are) then you'll roll over and fall asleep after "popping one off." That's terribly disappointing and girls DO gossip. How about this fun fact? Heterosexual couples average twenty minutes total to have sex, whereas homosexual couples average ninety minutes. That's because it's almost impossible for them to climax simultaneously. This indicates that one person in the bedroom romp is getting undivided attention. Just think about how focused you can be with your female counterpart if you're not distracted by trying to control your own little explosion.

Now that we've established that you don't have to get your jollies at the exact same time, we can move on to foreplay. This is a tricky, tricky gray area for every woman. Always remember that no two females are identical in what they'll want. Furthermore, no two times with the same woman will necessarily be identical. Be willing to adapt. A number of women can't even identify what they need. Your job is to figure that out. I suggest attempting to kiss and caress every inch on her body. You'll be surprised to find the places that make her moan. (Behind the ear is a great starting point!) If you end up with a lady that isn't clear on what she wants or needs, make sure you label what you're doing, as you're doing it. For example, if you caress her nipple ask, "Do you like your nipples caressed?" If you flick and suck the tip (clit) of her vagina ask, "Do you like flicking or sucking?" Always, always, always pair an action with what you call it. Even if she is more experienced and knows how to give some direction, you both may have different terminology for the same sexual acts. Communication is crucial and exploration is sexy.

Take the time to both discover and learn what unleashes her sexual potential. NEVER ever rush through foreplay. You can run your fingers by her vagina to check her preparedness. If she's still dry, keep going. It's important to know that the vagina can be moist without being aroused. It's not like touching sand. You'll know the difference because it's incredibly slick. Once she gets a splash, she's ready for anything. You can never go overboard with foreplay (but you can go under). More of it will only make her extra likely to pounce on you. Much like a car in the wintertime, a woman will need an adequate amount of time to warm up before she can perform at optimal and non-fictional levels.

Now that you have her ready, get your hands involved. This will definitely benefit those guys that aren't exactly a tripod. Yes, it's true that size will get a girl off, but that's because it's hitting the right spots without much effort and virtually no thought. Just think, if you use your hands you can actually feel where you're going and understand that a vagina has different textures inside. Once you learn with your hands, you'll be better able to recreate the motions with your penis. Right now, your unit can only measure your own pleasure. Your hands will be able to tell you a heck of a lot.

Make sure to keep your hands properly manicured and clean. Hangnails and rough hands tend to scratch. Use your index and middle finger to start, with your wrist facing up. When you first insert, you'll feel a ridge that feels almost like a firm sponge. Gently, feel around and you'll know what I'm talking about. It feels distinct from than rest of her Holy Grail. Her vaginal walls should be smooth in nature. It's the first surface you'll come into contact with as soon as you introduce your fingers inside her. Think of when you're signaling someone to "come here" with those digits. It should create a sort of hook. Please note that this isn't a suggestion for you to sink your fingernails and bait her. After all, she IS trusting that you can cripple her with pleasure and not just plain cripple her.

Interchange slowly between in and out, deep and shallow, round and around. Try to allow about three minutes before you change it up. It would be ideal if you gave her some time to process what she's experiencing. You can also try wiggling your fingers in an alternating "up and down" motion that mimics a freestyle swimming kick. Do this mini-Olympian flicking on that part that feels magically distinct. The G-spot, my friends, is that small area where the surface-texture changes and is felt by the palm-side of your fingertips, north of the small, spongy ridge. Ask her to rate her pleasure for you on a number scale. Don't forget our previous rule of talking to each other through this and really labeling each action. In due time, she'll be able to scream "Lipstick!" and you'll know exactly what she needs.

While all of this is going on, encourage her to use her own hand to rub the tip of her vagina. Or, if you're talented enough to multitask, use your other hand. (One or two fingertips...or more if she requests. Did you forget to communicate already?) The area we're aiming for would be near her urethra, underneath the vaginal hood. Trust me, it's the only part on her vagina that will look like a hood. Please note, you do not, I repeat DO NOT want to launch anything inside the urethra. You'll only bring her instant discomfort and yourself an early dismissal. That spot is slightly elevated and comes to a peak. (When she's really excited, it's her own miniature female erection!) Yes, this is the clit: the other delightful and pleasure-inducing zone on her genitals. Sometimes a woman will like it rubbed in a circular motion, other times up and down, even side-to-side. Anytime you start a foreign concept to you and/or your partner, you're going to want to approach it gently. The vagina is delicate, mysterious, and should be treated like royalty. You can increase the intensity once you know what you're doing a little better and also if she instructs you to. Sex toys such as a vibrating bullet are very helpful and fan-fricking-tastic, but should be used sparingly, and only after you both have learned how to please HER genitals manually. When paired with vaginal penetration, strumming the clitoris puts your lover en route to certain ecstasy.

Now that you have the basic principles down solid, what's next? You feel for her responses. Body language is another type of communication that shouldn't be overlooked. Even when you aren't talking, her body is still telling you something. If you start to trail off, you'll never learn what the female orgasm should feel like. Yes, she can tell you it feels good and sometimes she'll actually be sincere. This is where your fingers will be able to "lie-detect" for you. When things start to get truly enjoyable for her, the vaginal muscles will contract around your fingers. It might feel as if you're being pushed out by the increase in her kegel contractions. ("Google" "Kegel Exercises.") This is an automatic response to pleasure.

If you pay very close attention and are completely dialed into her love muscle, you'll feel a pulse with your fingertips. This doesn't mean that you'll feel it all the time and that when you don't, that she's faking. It just means you're probably distracted. The pulse is always there if she's alive. (If you're humping a corpse, please dial 911!) Occasionally, the pulse can be hard to locate. When you do feel/find it, you should be able to notice how fast it's going. The resting pulse for any healthy human being is sixty to one hundred beats per minute. During quality "sexcerise," it can go up to two hundred beats per minute! It's plain science, folks.

The higher your pulse during coitus, the more blood is being circulated, releasing all sorts of sweet, sweet endorphins. Endorphins, if you're unaware, are naturally occurring substances released by the brain that resemble opiates. Opiates have a high addiction rate. If you're the one guy that takes both his time and energy to manually learn the female genitalia, then you'll be able to have a high addiction rate of your own.

(Always Practice Safe Sex! Next time we'll talk about multiple orgasms!)