The Many Faces of Alcoholism

I was in complete denial about my loved ones addiction to alcohol. I though the drinking was a way of dealing with the problems and set backs that we were having. I figured once we got back on our feet he would change. We would be happy again. It wasn't until some time later that I realized alcohol was taking over our lives.

He was what I like to call a "functioning alcoholic". He continued to go to work everyday, but when he came home the very first thing he did was crack a beer. I started to make excuses for him. "He works hard all day, he deserves to relax and have a drink" I often said to friends that would notice. In a twisted kind of way it was almost as if I was in an abusive relationship, the way I would try to cover for his actions and defend him. Before long he had gone from one or two beers after work to a six pack or more a day. Eventually this also grew.

Next he was no longer a "functioning alcoholic". In my opinion he became a full fledged alcoholic. He would go to work still reeking of alcohol. Although he claimed he wasn't drunk but in my heart I knew better. Maybe he wasn't drunk but he was still feeling the drink! This lasted for a very little while before he eventually lost a job. According to him it was not alcohol related at all. Everyone was just out to get him.

Again, I would defend him as not to let anyone worry about us. By this time we were out of our slump. Things were looking real good for us. The drinking cut down to about two to three beers every weekend, or so I thought. I would praise him. I couldn't believe that he changed and actually nipped this disease before it was out of control. No one could be prouder than I.

Slowly the drinking crept back into our lives. Now I knew there was a problem before it stole my life, I was not going to live this way again. As soon as he had three beers that very first night, I wrote down three tally marks and continued to tally until he had eventually passed out drunk on the couch. The very next day he started drinking again, and again I made the tally marks until he didn't have any more beer left to drink. On the third morning when he eventually woke up I showed him what I had done and how much he drank. As you can imagine he wasn't thrilled with me at this point.

What I never realized and probably never would have if he didn't inform me of this recently, is that he would hide beer in the car and drink before he came in the house. As soon as he got in from work he would get into the shower so I had no clue what he was doing.

By this point every time he would have a beer I would flip out and throw accusations of being an alcoholic at him. Before long as his anger and alcoholic consumption would grow he became violent. In the beginning he would just yell about me personally and punch holes in the walls. This went on for about six, maybe seven months. The he would grab me by my arm or grab my face so I had to look at him when he was yelling at me. This terrified me, not only because this is a man I love but because the anger I saw in his eyes. I knew at this point that there was not a single thing I could do to change his ways. He is not only an alcoholic, but he also has anger management issues. I was ready to throw in the towel and walk away for good. Not because I feared him or no longer had love for him, but because I thought this was who he wanted to be. I had absolutely no idea that alcoholism is actually a disease not a choice.

It was my thought at the time that if you were an alcoholic it was because you

chose to drink. Not that you actually had the feeling that you needed to drink. Although my mind was set about leaving him, I had second thoughts. After all I do love him. This is when I realized he had a disease. This wasn't his choice. He made me understand this. He explained to me the next morning that his need for a beer is the same as my need for a cigarette. This sounded really funny to me. But as he furthered his explanation I began to understand and also relate. If I get up in the morning and don't have a cigarette and a cup of coffee I am absolutely miserable to everyone around me.

I can honestly say that I am glad that this man allowed me to stand by his side and make right what went so terribly wrong. He still hasn't quit drinking completely, but he has cut down and is completely honest when he does drink. No more sneaking around or hiding. He listen when I tell him I think he has had enough. He now knows and understands that I am not attacking him but the alcohol. Everyday we struggle to make it to the next but we can only take it one day at a time. I no longer feel the need to make up an excuse for him. He doesn't need one.