The Many Faces of Toilet Tissue

I'm trying to decide what genius decided toilet paper should have so much variation that I have to stop in the store and think about it. For instance, I just used the words "toilet paper" instead of "toilet tissue." After all, that's what it is, paper that is going down the toilet. Why is it necessary to think of something that's going to wipe the hiney in the same category as something that is going to wipe the nose?

It's not just the name either. Now, all this toilet paper comes in layers of paper called plies. I don't see the point of that. Good grief! Two categories are fine -- thick or thin. Instead of making paper so fine that you have to press two sheets of it together to form one decent piece of paper, sell it that way and let the consumer decide. The consumer can buy toilet paper that will dissolve on impact, or they can buy it thick enough to do the job.

Then there's those small square pieces. That's just an insult. Why would anyone only need one or two of those dinky squares? I understand you need a spot to rip the paper apart, but why can't each sheet be like a foot long? And that way you don't have to do that rolling-around-the hand thing.

Some toilet paper actually has designs on it. Who looks at toilet paper? Unless you've got pictures of some good-looking naked lady on it, I'd be willing to bet no one notices, much less cares. Talk about flushing money down the toilet.

I don't know whether it's available anymore, but back in days past you could buy different colors of toilet paper. Now, there's a booming idea. "Honey, you bought green toilet tissue, and you know the wallpaper's got pink flowers on it. This will clash. Take it back. What will people think?" Let's face it, if you're in a position to need toilet paper, you don't really care what color it is. After all, it's better than the old catalog once found in the outdoor facilities.

And let's talk about packaging. You've got 9-pack containers, 20-pack containers and 4-pack containers. We're only two people in this house. The last thing I need is to try to find room for one more thing to store in this place. And who in the world buys a single roll of toilet paper? And do I really want to know you if you're buying toilet paper one roll at a time?

Of course, the toilet paper manufacturers have a good thing going, but I guess it's hard to make people think you're brand is really that much better than the next guy's. That TV commercial disgusts me to watch that stupid bear with those little bits and pieces all over his backside. I'd hate to think that the next step is to have some mother reaching over peeling bits and pieces of paper off Junior's behind. Let that bear do like anyone else caught in the woods unprepared, find some leaves.