The Marriage Battle

Are you in a marriage battle? And does it seem like you are often the aggressor? Do you hate to lose an argument? You know who you are. You are a the fighter. When tempers flare you craft arguments with ease. The words just seem to spill out of your mouth and these words do their job well. They hurt, they knock down, they belittle, they reveal weaknesses. Whatever it takes to win the argument. Right?

I am one of those people too and trust me, I can get pretty nasty if I feel like I'm losing. But after almost 20 years of marriage what I am losing is my husband. And if you are a fighter you need to ask yourself this question. If you could look back on all the arguments you've had over the course of your relationship, would you trade winning for never having to hear the words, "I don't love you anymore."?

I have heard those words and it is mostly the result of my bad behavior, my lashing out, my high spirited debates. To me, it is an explosion of emotion for a time. Allowing me to get out of my system what I need to express however brutally in order to please myself. I express and then I'm done. Its over and I'm happy again. and for years I did this for little and big issues alike. When my husband was late, when he forgot to pay a bill, when the kids weren't doing as well in school as I thought they should be. Whatever the situation was, I would allow myself the occasional melt down at my husband's expense. And God love him - he took it for a long time. Trying to be understanding that I was an emotional person, trying not to let the words sting. Occasionally he would try to fight back with his own words but discovered he was no match for me fairly quickly and retreated into "Yes dear" kind of comments until I could be soothed.

I am not proud to admit this about myself, but not only did I fly off the handle on a fairly regular basis. I also felt completely justified in doing so. I had to honor my feelings. And if people didn't understand or got angry with me for venting, they were the cruel ones. Did I mention that most fighters are also a wee bit on the narcissistic side of life? Of course, they always think they are right! Not only did I think I was right, I truly believed it. I had no guilt, no remorse. I figured if I had moved on...so had he. It was just a silly argument anyway and I won, so I was happy.

While this kind of behavior happened on a regular basis, it does not at all describe my total character. I could laugh, and serve, and care for the people I loved too. I worked hard for them and would always want the best for them. And that was also part of my problem. The best for them, was whatever I thought was best. Being so wise and always right, it was easy for me to think and believe that whatever path I found for each of my family members to take to get them out of a problem they were in was the best way. And pushed in that direction.

One of these days, your partner will break. They will say enough. And they will do one of two things. They will either leave you or they will retreat inside themselves and shut down. Either way - you lose.

If you are like me, there is another way to lose. Remember I asked the question, if you could trade all your wins for never having to hear your mate say, "I don't love you anymore." would you? I would. I don't even remember 99% of them! Who really cares if the sink got stopped up because he put the potatoe peelings down the garbage disposal? So you have to spend some time getting it all straightened out. Is it worth losing your husband or wife over?

They will only be able to take you for so long and then you are done. Whatever you do after that point will not count because they've made up their mind.

I'm begging you to see your way though your selfish need to argue and think twice before opening your mouth with wicked words. Count to 10. It really works!

I changed the hard way. I was like the stallion that had finally been broken. My spirit was defeated. Arguing seemed not only pointless but for the first time in my life, it also seemed cruel. I saw through my own habits of lethal interaction and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a changed person. But it was too late.

Don't let it be too late for you. Change while you still have time.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to keep your temper in check.

1. Will you care about this issue tomorrow?

2. Will you take away an opportunity to show love if you react?

3. If you do nothing what is the worst thing that will happen?

4. Do you love your husband or wife?

5. Can you allow yourself to lose the right way?

Good luck! I wish you all the best.