The Maryland Renaissance Festival

The annual pilgrimage to the Maryland Renaissance Festival has been the highlight of our year for quite a few years now. Granted, it was an easier pilgrimage when we actually lived in Maryland, but moving down south did not keep us away this year. We have visited the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire (touted to be "the best"), as well as the North Carolina Renaissance Faire (yawn), and plan to visit the Virginia Renaissance Faire this coming Spring - but we have our doubts that any Renaissance Festival or Faire can ever compete with Maryland's.

The Maryland Renaissance Festival is an experience instead of simply a destination. It's located in a forest, with buildings that are there year-round (instead of vendors set up in tents as most other festivals have), and there are just the right number of shops, shows and food-sellers to keep your wallet depleted, your senses entertained, and your stomach well-fed as you soak in the ambiance.

We all have our own reasons why we enjoy going to such events. Some enjoy the fact that they finally get to wear the clothes they wish they could wear 365 days a year, others enjoy meeting up for a pint of ale with their other nerdy LARP (live action role-playing game) buddies, some go for a way to entertain their kids for a day, and still others - like me - go simply for the fun of people-watching.

I was not disappointed this year in that regard. How most of these people got dressed that morning and looked in the mirror and thought, "Ok, I'm all set," I'll never understand. I'm guessing that back in the actual medieval days, lads and lasses were not quite as rotund. There were so many ladies popping out of their too-tight dresses, and so many gentlemen wearing tights who should not have been... Let's just say that it made it difficult for me to concentrate on devouring my delicious turkey leg, fresh buttered corn-on-the-cob, spinach pie, chicken-on-a-stick, potato wedges, Irish corned beef sandwich, pretzel, roasted mixed nuts, and honey sticks. But I managed.

Between the popping out of dresses and then those who thought the Renaissance Festival was an open invitation to play dress-up no matter what the outfit (one guy wore a tiger suit with a jester's tunic on top of it), I was perpetually entertained. And as the day wore on and they got more and more drunk, the entertainment factor increased exponentially.

These are the main reasons we like to go every year - to see just how outlandish people can make themselves look, and to eat lots and lots of food. Unfortunately this year we were forced to go on the very last day the festival was open, which means it was more crowded than a bake sale at the local Lane Bryant. You couldn't turn around without tripping over someone or knocking into someone. If they weren't (as aforementioned) so revolting, maybe that wouldn't have been such a big problem. (And don't think I don't realize that somewhere, right now, one of these "revolting" people is relating a similar tale about the hideousness of the attendees, and is picturing me.)

The result of all this crowding was there was too much smoke in the air, not enough "privies" to go around, close proximity to personal conversations (we overheard one man tell his son that no, he did not want any corn because it would give him diarrhea), and lines that were way too long.

Speaking of long lines, there are only two ATMs at the Maryland Renaissance Festival. One is at the main entrance and one is inside at the back of the grounds. When we were picking up our tickets at the front gate, I saw the long line of people at the ATM and said, "What a bunch of idiots to stand in this long line when there's another ATM inside." So we walked a long walk to the other ATM and found a line that was so long, people had no idea what it was for because you couldn't see the front. It had been such a long walk so we decided to just tough it out and wait in it. We waited about 15 or 20 minutes and finally from the front we heard the ATM was out of cash. So we had to walk all the way back to the main entrance and stood in that ATM line for a half hour before finally getting some money. [Mental note: Next time, listen to your husband and go to the bank on the way.]

For additional entertainment, they had a teenage boy dressed up in a black cloak (complete with menacing hood) doing the artwork on everyone's hands as people left, so that folks could leave the festival and then re-enter without needing a ticket. I think he was supposed to be drawing a pumpkin on everyone's hand but it ended up looking like something dirty. Or maybe that was his intention. Who knows?

We're already planning our return trip for next year, only next time we will wear gas masks for the smoke, disposable adult diapers so we won't need the "privies," and earplugs and ear-muffs. All this combined should do the trick so that all crowds disperse around us and we'll always be at the front of the line.