The Mathematical "Multiple" Method (MMM)

I think I have it figured out now. When it comes to shopping, married women have what I call the Mathematical "Multiple" Method, for expressing to their spouses the victories they've achieved on the battlefield of retail sales. There are three "schools" the MMM falls into. They are the multiples of 2, 3 or 5. This sounds far fetched, but I think it's true. What I want to do with this article is give some examples of this method so that husbands everywhere can figure out which "school" their wife falls into. This knowledge will open the door to understanding women wide open.

My fist example comes from "Steve." One day I was over at Steve's house when his wife came home with a bag bulging with two shoe boxes. She politely greeted us as she danced into the room with a huge smile on her face. "Steve, you won't believe what I found while I was out shopping." She said with bubbling excitement. "I found a pair of sandals that I can wear when we go to the cookout with your parents for $6.00. I also got that brown pair of boots I have been keeping my eye on. They were originally $42.00 but I got them on sale for $24.00."

Isolated, this story probably provides very little insight into the theory I am trying to develop, but just a few weeks later I was out with "Chris" when this simple illustration got my wheels turning. As we knocked back a pint of some of America's finest, Chris shared this remarkable story. "J Paul, I don't understand the relationship women have with shopping. You know, just the other day my wife came home with a pair of jeans she was raving about. She just couldn't believe she found them. They were the perfect pair for $21.00." He took another sip from his chilled glass and said, "I give her credit though. She is a really smart shopper. Her latest trip netted her 3 tops for $9.00 a piece."

I will say that even at this point, things seemed hazy. The problem with the MMM theory is that numbers really blend together and it's hard to determine where the woman's scale starts. For my wife, everything is $10.00. Shoes, shirts, blouses, dresses, it doesn't seem to matter. But, one day I caught her and my theory finally made sense. She was talking with her best friend when I overheard her say, "I got them for $5.00. Can you believe it?" That's when I snuck off into the other room and called Steve on speed dial. "Steve, what is the least expensive clothing item your wife has ever bought?" After a moment of silence, he said softly, "Well, I know she always talks about how in high school she bought a Def Leppard t-shirt for $2.00." That was all I needed, I hung up and quickly dialed Chris. Chris' response was just as slow, but then just as sure. "Oh, she laughs with her friends all the time about how she found a great sun dress on the clearance rack at TJ Maxx for $3.00."

Then it hit me. The "multiple" method exists. Over the next few weeks other men I know confessed to me their wives shopping stories. I saw it clear as a bell. The multiples of 2, 3 or 5 kept coming up. The link was there. Every woman, regardless of true price, always uses a subconscious vocabulary based on a preconceived scale of worth for items they purchase. That is not to say that they are being literal, much the opposite. They are expressing price in terms of a value scale they have accepted as meaningful. My wife may very well find a coat for $67.82 but she'll tell me it was $65.00. All her tops may fall across the board, but for me, they will either be $10 or $5. Why? I don't know. But this seems like the only way to explain it. Wives want their husbands to be sure of their ability to spend money wisely. They want their man to be confident in their ability to find a deal. Somewhere along the line, maybe passed from their mother or influenced by close friends, they adopted their "multiple." So, to all the husbands out there, find the multiple your wife uses and accept it. It is part of her very being.