The Men's Guide to Christmas Gift Buying for Women

Having provided some insightful and valuable shopping tips to the ladies, I feel compelled to come to the aid of my brethren as they get ready to dither in the mall.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that just because you rate the success of the holiday by the physical number of presents under the tree that she will, too.

Do not buy beer, toys or power tools for your loved one, unless she has provided you with a notarized copy of a letter to Santa specifically requesting them. No matter how badly you want them.

Do not buy her a slutty teddy that she will feel compelled to shred at the first opportunity.

Do not buy any sweaters, blouses or shirts that are too tight or too loose or have the wrong sleeves or neck lines. Do not buy pants or skirts that make her ass look big. In fact, do not buy her any clothes, at all, unless you want to spend Boxing Day languishing in the mall, holding her purse while she returns everything you bought, and wondering to what extent "Does this look good on me?" is a trick question.

Of course it's a trick question! You thought that the item of clothing that you already bought her would look good on her. She thinks it doesn't. Why would she think that you have suddenly developed fashion sense?

I think that you can tell that this is all leading to one inevitable conclusion.

Money.

Giving the gift of money can present its' own set of problems.

For instance, leaving cash on her pillow is generally considered to be inappropriate, especially if you actually know the gift recipient's name.

No, it is much safer to buy gift cards. Buy one for the biggest mall that you can find, and which has the largest selection of ladies' clothing and shoe stores. Do not buy gift cards for hardware stores. Now, read that last sentence again.

If you're really sly, you'll buy a second gift card, for the nicest restaurant you can find in the vicinity of the mall. Make sure that it will cover two lunches, and causally suggest that you thought it might be nice if she could take a friend to help her shop. In this manner, you will be showing your sensitive caring side, and may be able to avoid standing in the mall on Boxing Day, muttering to yourself, while self-consciously holding her purse. Instead, you will be at home in your recliner, watching Star Wars in HD with Urdu sub-titles while sipping on a nice imported beer.

At this point you can sneak in a little present for yourself. Buy a third gift card, which can only be redeemed at the shop that sells nothing but slutty little lace teddies. There is a nine in ten chance that she will not be able to bring herself to let the card go unredeemed.

Lastly, don't be cheap. If gift cards have a downside, it's that the denomination tells the recipient, in clear dollars and cents terms, how much you value them. Consider that carefully, and come up with a number. Then double it.

She may seem to be mad at you when she finds out how much you spent. She may say that "it's too much" or that you can't afford it or that she could never possibly buy that many outfits/shoes/accessories.

She is lying.

Just smile and nod and pray that she redeems the lingerie store card.