The Mickster

Dan was a fairly popular student at his high school. He earned moderately good grades, was fairly well liked, and had an uncanny knack for attracting the lady folk his way. Dan thought this was because he was witty and good looking. Neither of these assumptions was true. The real source of his popularity was his own tremendous wealth, or, rather, that of his father, one of the leading real estate moguls on the west coast. And, like all good fathers, he showed his affection towards Dan in the form of monetary donations. The flaunting and sharing of this money was what his high school chums liked Dan for, and the reason they kept calling him to hang out. Of course, Dan thought people liked him because he was; in his own words "straight up money, ya know." The irony of this statement was lost on Dan.

Above all else, Dan cherished the feeling of being liked, of having his opinion regarded and respected. He thrived on it, consumed it, and, by the time senior year came to a close, he had come to depend on it. Which was why, when it came time to choose a college, Dan chose the school that he felt he would be the most popular at. He ruled out any state schools, as those nearest him had the reputation of housing a surprisingly large number of bros and loose women. Dan could not compete with the bros for the attention of the loose women, and he knew it. They were what he aspired to be, it was true, these pinnacles of teenage douchebaggery, but he could never quite pull off their unique brand of in-your-face machismo chauvinism.

No, Dan was no bro, and certainly no douchebag. For one thing, he was far too skinny. Gangly, even, and, as all bros know, the ability to wear either a sleeveless shirt, or, preferably, no shirt at all, is a must to join their hallowed ranks. It goes hand in hand with Bud Light, making the peace sign in every picture, and straight billed hats tilted perpetually at jaunty angles. So Dan opted out of the state schools. For him, the perfect school would be one that, in his mind, was populated entirely by those of a much lower "cool" ranking than him, enabling his rise to the very pinnacle of the social ladder. Which is why, in the end, Dan ended enrolling at New York University. The way his mind saw it, the school's reputation for "diversity" and "acceptance" was merely a polite way of saying the school was populated by dweebs, nerds, art freaks, and otherwise lesser beings. As you can see, Dan was not known for his political correctness. His ideal college experience would incorporate the three pillars of education: copious drug usage, near lethal levels of alcohol consumption, and unprotected sex with as many marginally attractive women as possible.

Mickey Rooney, in comparison, is a highly accomplished actor of both stage and screen, who has been awarded two Emmys, one Oscar, and has been nominated in each category a subsequent four times. And, he, unfortunately, was to be Dan's new roommate for the next year. Recently, Mr. Rooney had signed on to star in the upcoming college film "National Lampoon's Midsummer Night's Sex Romp ," a mash-up remake of both National Lampoon's Van Wilder and Shakespeare's "A Midsummer's Night's Dream." In it, Rooney was to star as a temporally displaced Puck, who, under the magic of an evil wizard (played by Bob Costas) is sent back in time to inhabit the body of popular Uber-student Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds). The magic of CGI would be used extensively to artificially lower Mickey's age by about 60 years, enabling him to effectively play twenty something college student Van. (Ryan Reynolds, owing to contractual obligations, was only slated to have cameo and voice appearances; otherwise this would not have been necessary.) As the movie progresses, the plot becomes even more convoluted, as Puck must not only find a way to return to his own time, but also to rescue Titania and Oberon (Natalie Portman and David Bowie, respectively) from the clutches of the evil Dean Wormwood (Sandra Bullock) and the members of the "uncool" preppy frat, Lambda Kappa Nu, led by Alfonso Ribeiro (playing himself). The film, heavily touted as the next Animal House, was to end with Van saving the day by out-drinking the evil wizard in a game of Ultimate Beer Pong, thus returning the timeline to normal and enabling the entire cast to have the eponymous sex romp featured in the title, in which Van's nerdy best friend Billy (Arnold Schwarzenegger) would finally be able to get some. Needless to say, it was a blockbuster waiting to happen.

This is pertinent to Dan, and, in a larger sense, to our tale, for one simple reason: behind Val Kilmer and Sacha Baron Cohen, Mickey Rooney was one of the most renowned method actors in both Holly and Bollywood. Being a long time resident of Brooklyn, he had also, over the years, become a close personal friend of John Sexton, the dean of NYU. Several years back, Mickey had saved the deans life when Mr. Sexton, in order to raise funds for the university, attempted to jump fifteen buses on a motorbike. To add an extra sense of danger to the mix, Dean Sexton had placed feral lions in each of the buses, and done the entire stunt blindfolded. Unfortunately, he overestimated his own daredevil skills, and ended up crashing into the fourteenth and penultimate bus. Only the quick thinking and skillful acrobatics of Mickey Rooney had saved Dean Sexton from the grim specter of death by lions. So, to collect on his favor, Mickey Rooney arranged to be assigned a room at Weinstein Hall, one of the largest freshman dorms at NYU. And it was through this happenstance series of events that he was to enter Dan's life.

Dan, being the independent, capable young man that he was, refused to be accompanied by his parents when he first moved into his new room at Weinstein Hall. In his mind, having parents around would be social suicide, something the bros he idolized so much would never do. So we now find him, alone, with several very large bags of luggage before the door of his new room. Not bothering to knock or call out and see if anyone was inside, he merely strolled in, putting on his best sneer of superiority as he did so. Luckily for him, there was nobody inside yet. One of the beds had already been claimed though, by Mickey, of course, as it was already covered in a full set of blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, and a single quilt. It was at this point that something began to stir within young Dan's mind, the vaguest sense of unease. What kind of a guy, he thought to himself, would bring a stuffed animal with him to college? The fact that said stuffed animal was enormous, easily coming up to Dan's waist, made it even worse, as did the fact that it was a black stallion. Back home, Dan had gone on many a drunken tirade about how stallions were "the gayest of all animals, cause, like...they let dudes ride 'em all the time." Dan thought this observation was witty and funny, and always made a point to unleash it at parties.

Seeing as Mickey wasn't there at the moment, however, Dan began to unpack the various items he had brought with him to college. The first thing, of course was his bed sheets. He had gotten them specially made for his sixteenth birthday, and they were one of his most prized possessions. Each sheet had printed on it a full sized picture of a popular porn star, naked, of course, so, even when Dan was spending the night by himself, he could always pretend he had girls in his bed. Dan had spent many a night with those sheets, mainly giggling at them, the way a ten year old schoolboy who has just seen his first Playboy would.

It was at this moment, as Dan was unpacking his sheets (and, once again, giggling heavily) that Mickey walked through the door. In order for him to assimilate into the youth culture he was to be portraying in his upcoming film, he had recently spent over 300 dollars on new clothes and accessories, so, by this point, he was dressed even trendier than Dan. Laying his bag of clothes on the chair beside his brand new computer, Mickey crossed over to Dan, struck out his hand, and uttered what he considered to be the leading colloquial greeting amongst teenagers, "Sup?" Following this, he began to vigorously shake Dan's hand, pumping it up and down in a matter he considered commonplace among the youth of today. Dan, of course, was taken wholly aback by this, mumbling a strained acknowledgement in response.

"So..." he began, once reclaiming his voice, "Are you my roommate's father...or grandfather...or--"

"Nope!" Mickey cheerfully replied, still shaking Dan's hand. "I'm your new roommate! Call me Mickster. Or the Mickinator. I'm assuming you're the Dantron im a gonna be roomin' with?"

Needless to say, by this point Dan's mind was being thrown into a state of major confusion. The combination of seeing this geriatric geezer, who, Dan quickly noted, was much better dressed than he himself was, coupled with the odor of Abercombie cologne, mixed oh-so-subtly with the smell of old age, all came together to momentarily shut down Dan's processing faculties. It was the repetitive shaking of his (by now limp) arm that brought Dan back to his senses, and he quickly disengaged and regained control of his hand.

"Ummmm..." he began, mustering up all of his linguistic skills, "I think there's been some mistake...no offense but you're..."

"Yep. I knew it. You recognize me. Well, those are the spoils of celebrity. Hang on just a jiffy there sport!" At this point Mickey turned around, rummaging through his possessions for a minute. Dan merely stood, too dumbfounded to speak, as the wizened hand of Mickey Rooney slapped a rolled up length of laminated paper into Dan's hand. Acting autonomously, his hands began to unfold it, and Dan found himself staring at an enormous, signed headshot of Mickey Rooney, signed at the bottom in bright red ink. In this moment, Dan re discovered his tongue, utilizing it to its full extent to mutter the oh-so-clever remark of "What?"

"That's me Danny boy!" Mickey cackled, slapping Dan heartily in the back.

"Knew my celebrity would catch up to me! And that'll go great above those sexy sheets you got there!" He slapped Dan once more on the back, although it was all the more disconcerting this time, as, in addition to a slap on the back, Mickey made a strangled cat growl noise, referring, of course, to Dan's "sexy sheets." The poster, Dan now noticed, was of a smiling Mickey Rooney gazing adoringly at the camera, all the while cuddling two kittens against the cheek.

"Who are you?" Dan breathed quietly, more than a little aghast, at the strange, obviously demented man who stood before him.

"Didn't I tell ya boy?" Mickey Rooney asked one more time, slapping Dan once more on the back.

"I'm the Mickster!"

The next few weeks were a trying time for Dan. Once he recovered from the shock of just who his new roommate was, that this wasn't an elaborate practical joke, he immediately began the process of attempting a roommate transfer. This, however, was soon overridden, by John Sexton himself, once more on the orders of Mickey Rooney. For, uncannily enough, Mickey had taken quite the shine to Dan. He had come to view Dan as his muse, as his inspiration-Dan was to be the template Mickey would base his portrayal of Van on. So, naturally, the Mickster couldn't let Dan go. And so it was that, a week after their first meeting, we find Mickey Rooney following Dan around campus, in an effort both to befriend and, more importantly, to study him. Which is how, one fateful Saturday night, Mickey Rooney ended up at the frat party for the local chapter of Epsilon Gamma Nil, renowned for their status as the doucheiest of the douchebag frats. Naturally, of course, this was Dan's first choice.

"Whooooooo nelly!" Mickey croaked out, directly in Dan's ear. "Were gonna get us some poon tonight! Bone city, here we come!"

Dan attempted to restrain the involuntary spasm that crept along his lower lip every time "the Mickster" said something like this. It was getting more and more difficult to restrain himself, especially after last night, when he, Dan, one of the most popular kids at his high school, had been sexiled by Mickey Rooney. It wasn't so much the fact that he was forced out of his room that infuriated him, it was the fact that Mickey Rooney, a geriatric, partially senile old man was getting much more action than he himself was. To be blunt, Dan was getting none. For some reason, the young women here weren't nearly as amused by Dan's antics as those back home had been. They didn't giggle at his repeated jokes about how funny the word "tit" was, nor did they find it amusing when he packed it, at every moment of every day. Packing it, of course, was one of the essential elements of being an Uber douche. It involved repeatedly moving the forefinger and middle finger in such a way that they would smack against each other, mimicking the sound produced when one "packs" a can of chewing tobacco. Thus, packing it. Dan, of course, was a master at this particular practice. But for some reason, this mastery wasn't conferring on him the level of respect he had commanded back home.

Paying homage to its status as the douchebag frat, Gamma Epsilon Nil, (Gel as it was known around campus), had enacted a mandatory dress theme this particular eve of "corporate hos and CEO's." It was the perfect theme to for the members, after all. The majority of them were prospective investment bankers, lawyers, or, strangely enough, CEO's, so it gave them a chance to wear their finest suits and shirts, letting them all pretend they were in the real world, as well as show off just exactly how ostentatious they could be. More importantly, however, it allowed them to ogle the various women in attendance, the majority of them following their dress code as hos in the most literal manner possible. Lingerie was commonplace, though some took it even further, wearing nothing but an oversized, extra large shirt. Dan was in his element, and he knew it. The dress code had enabled him to truly dress to impress, and he spared no expense. He had on his fanciest suit, all over a sleeveless t-shirt that read, simply "Da Bomb." Furthermore, Dan's ensemble was topped off by white shades and a pimp cane, something he viewed as not only a nice touch, but exceedingly witty and clever. In contrast, Mickey Rooney dressed as a literal CEO, borrowing the suit of his friend, Michael Dell, founder of Dell computers. So, together, the two roommates strolled up to the door of the frat house, Dan trying to escape, and Mickey eagerly studying Dan's movements. He knew, deep down, that his research would pay off, and he was clearly counting on yet another Oscar nomination.

Dan had hoped that, at the door, Mickey would be denied entrance. Dan was mistaken. The doorman, by this time, was far too drunk to care who came in. So he contented himself with the free libations provided, easily losing Mickey in the crowd for the first time in what seemed like ages. With a large sigh of relief, Dan began to mingle, recognizing all the elements here of the high school experience he so enjoyed. This was the key to popularity he had been searching for, this frat-plus, of course, they would never let Mickey join. Finally, he thought to himself, a place to hide from the senile old coot. Letting himself relax for the first time in a week, Dan moved over to one of the most scantily clad women, and began to tell her why the horse is the gayest of all animals.

Elsewhere, Mickey Rooney was in his element as well. This was the perfect spot to study for the penultimate scene in "National Lampoon's Midsummer Night's Sex Romp." He instantly gravitated towards the beer pong tables, something his character was supposedly an expert at. And, after several rounds, so was Mickey. He had an uncanny knack for the game, his cataracts effectively granting him tunnel vision, so that all he could see were the cups before him. After the fourth round, Mickey was completely on fire, never missing a shot.

In the other room, Dan was already making headway on his latest prospect. After his illuminating discourse on why the horse is the gayest animal, he had moved on to music, explaining just exactly how Nickelback rocked harder than any other band out there. Of course, he could have been telling her the chemical formula for sodium benzoate and she would find it just as interesting. After several rounds of beer pong and numerous shots, she was completely drunk. Drunk enough to find Dan's insights very, very interesting. After five short minutes, she was already holding his hand, leading him upstairs, towards the rooms above. And it was at this point that the Mickster popped up once more.

"Daniel the Maniel!" He exclaimed, pounding Dan's limp fist and playfully punching him on the arm. "Awwwwwwwwww yeah! My boy's about to score!" He held his hand up and waiting for the high five to be returned.

"Go away Mickey. I'm busy," Dan mumbled, attempting to push the old man out of his way. Once more, Mickey replied with "Awwwwwwwwww yeah!" This time, however, he began to pantomime thrusting motions with his pelvis and hips. This, of course, was something he had observed Dan do many a time, especially when he saw two people kissing on the streets. Dan thought it was witty and clever to air hump behind them.

"Not now Mickey!" Dan hissed, only slurring his speech partially. He could tell he was losing the girl's attention by this point. Already her hand had slipped out of his, and she was staring intently at Mickey Rooney.

"I...I know you..." she stammered softly, reeling from the excessive quantities of alcohol coursing through her bloodstream. " You were in Night at the Museum!" she called out, finally. Her arm now completely disengaged from Dan's, and she began to gravitate towards Mickey Rooney.

"Oh my god...that movie it was just so...so..." She couldn't quite enunciate just what is was, for at that point, Mickey Rooney had handed her a drink in one hand and a signed photograph of him in the other.

"Well..." he said seductively, lowering his voice an octave or two. "I'm always interested to discuss my work with fans...why don't we have a drink upstairs?" The girl giggled once, and wrapped her arm around Mickey's. As he began to walk up the stairs, he looked back, giving the double thumbs up sign to an apoplectic Dan. Dan merely stood, dumbstruck, not believing what was going on around him. His girl had just been stolen by an eighty year old man. Still reeling, he walked over to the bar, and began to drink, cursing Mickey Rooney and wallowing in self pity.

A little less than a year later, National Lampoons a Midsummer Night's Sex Romp premiered at the Cannes film festival. As expected, it won the Palm d'Or, and went on to become a major box office hit. Dan was offered free tickets by Mickey Rooney, but, for some reason, he chose not to attend.