"The Miracle" - A Life Devoted to Privacy

Friends would joke about my "bubble of space." One friend even told me I would make the best hermit ever. These were things I would hear with pride, determined to live my life with only one or two people permanently connected to me.

These people were to be my husband, a man who enjoyed silence and a free wheeling good time as much as I, and my mom. Moms are always a permanent fixture. They are sanctuary. This was the essence of my perfect life.

That is until a tiny pink plus sign shattered the life I knew and opened up a world of responsibility, attachments and self-sacrifice.

Fathers day 2006 was the day I tearfully showed my husband the little pee covered stick with the faintest pink plus sign that was my own personal sledgehammer.

As I called the help line hoping for some error, the line was so faint it was barely visible, surly that left room for error, my husband joyfully hugged me and began talking about how wonderful this news was. The woman on the other end of the phone let loose with the final swing of the sledgehammer. "congratulations, you are pregnant, there is very little error and any pink plus sign, no matter how faint is a positive." She sounded so happy for me. Meanwhile I tried to keep down the turkey sandwich I had eaten for lunch. I hung up the phone and went to my husband. He hugged me while I cried.

My husband had never thought he would have children. A doctor had long ago told him it would be difficult. Long ago a doctor had told me something similar. this proves that doctors can be wrong. We were not in a good place financially, I had started a part time job that, while fun, did not pay well and my husband had started a business that was not making a profit. Needless to say we had no health insurance, savings or any sort of financial stability. This it seems, makes you more fertile, at least in my opinion.

My terror stayed until we saw that tiny little speck resembling a tadpole on a tiny screen. That was the day my grandmother died. One generation ending while one begins. After that day I knew I wanted to be a mom. I could do this.

We made it through the pregnancy. A pregnancy filled with surprises. We had fights with Medicaid which made doctors visits hard to come by. Then around month five there was emergency surgery. As I lay there in the hospital bed listening to my little girl's heart beat strong and fast I was calm. That sound was my personal sedative. My husband was terrified as they struggled to diagnose what was causing the pain, fever and vomiting. I had never felt more relaxed or in control. Nothing was going to go wrong. We were all going to be fine and make it.

That same feeling returned at 3 in the morning when I woke up cussing. After only two hours of sleep I woke up cussing that now I had peed all over myself. Then the cramps started. I calmly went to the living room and watched TV timing the cramps, determined not to wake my husband up until I was positive it was time. From then on it was like I was taking some wonderful sedative that made me confident, strong and invincible.

Then she came. A beautiful girl just like her great grandmother, fighting and loud ready to take on the world. When I saw her there was a primal connection to every woman who had lived before me and every woman who would come. I had power, I had the ability to impact the world. This girl was our miracle, born when she wasn't supposed to be, determined to live.

Now the life I used to want is a daydream. Waking up in the middle of the night to hold her and feed her is a gift. After a day of crying one tiny smile has the power to recharge my soul and give me hope. Selfishly I hold her luxuriating in the fact that for this brief time I am needed. I have the power to provide my daughter with everything she needs.

And now, I know what it feels like to be a permanent fixture in someone's life. I know what it means to be a sanctuary.....and it is what I was meant to be.