The Most Bizarre Articles I (Thankfully) Never Published

As a "newbie" to the article-writing trade, I keep a file of article ideas I might want to launch into in the future. In addition to keeping me on track, it also provides me with a constant source of amusement. I write down pretty much everything that pops into my head, no matter how idiotic, and in retrospect many of these ideas are really funny. I also have a folder on my computer desktop with articles I was actually nuts enough to try to develop further, even though I knew from the outset that they were doomed.

My favorite of the finished and doomed bunch would have to be "How to Teach Your Child to be Charming." I had finished this article before it occurred to me that most parents (including me) would naturally resist the idea that their child is anything less than charming. (I can envision comments including the words "Child-Hater" and "Fascist.") Although my intentions were good in writing it - I was inspired by watching my son's teachers' reactions to some of the kids in their class - I realized before I hit the "publish" button that it sounded judgmental and I ditched it, saving myself and others a lot of grief.

As I continued writing this, my thoughts morphed into creating titles for articles that were just really, really bad, and wouldn't it be funny if they were actually written? This generated such ideas as:

"Interior Decorating With Duct Tape." I waffle back and forth on this one. I mean, I'm sure there's some HGTV designer right out of design school who could do this idea some justice, particularly when you consider all of the sexy colors duct tape comes in these days. So maybe it does have potential. But don't count on my writing it. If you want it, it's all yours.

How about "Is Your Teenager Annoying You? Staple Her to the Wall!" Now, now - there are much more effective ways to communicate your frustration. How about showing up for her track meet dressed like Glinda the Good Witch?

And my last and favorite, "My Life is a Manga Comic." Well, it is. But don't count on my writing about it anytime soon. I have evil to fight, dang it!