The Most Important Thing New Parents Need to Know: Do What Works for You!

Most new parents I know are terrified of making the wrong choice in caring for thier children. Most non-parents I know are petrified of becoming parents because of the long list of "must-do's" and "must-have's" for parents of young children. Every expert has a particular philosophy and would have us think that in order to raise happy, healthy children, we must follow that philosophy exactly, no deviations allowed. To one expert, co-sleeping is deadly and completely unacceptable.

To another the family bed is essential for parent-child bonding. To some, discipline should combine positive and negative aspects, and maybe include an occasional swat on the tush. To others, the use of the word "No" is damaging to a child, perhaps even abusive. We all know the vitriol associated with the "mommy wars" and whether it's best for a child to have mother at home, or be in some form of daycare, and how much daycare is OK for a child, and at what ages. Breastfeeding is another hot-button topic. To be sure, breastmilk is undeniably the best nutrition for an infant, but who can blame a woman with no societal support, no family support, and no education or help for turning to the ease of a bottle when she runs up against disdain, disgust, or plain old weariness?

What parenting experts (and many parents, unfortunately) are unwilling to acknowledge is that a middle ground does exist, and that it is OK to come to rest there, rather than on one extreme or another. New parents need information and education about what is truly good for children, but they also need the freedom to make decisions according to the very specific needs of their children and their family. What will work for one family simply will not work for another. What is good for one baby, another baby may not appreciated. What is ideal is not always necessarily possible, for a variety of reasons.

New parents need to find not the ideal parenting philosophy, but the ideal parenting techniques that will work for them, even if they pull those practices from several vastly different philosophies. New parents need to find what actually works, not what is "the very best" but will only work for an individual if all the stars are aligned properly and the earth's natural laws are suspended.

I will give our family's experience as an example, not because we are perfect, but because we are happy, comfortable and (mostly) guilt-free. We have chosen to reject the pressures put upon us by magazines, books, friends, relatives, spinster aunts, and the culture at large, and learned to do what will contribute to happiness and health in our family, in our situation. We are far from "mainstream", but the "attachment parenting" and natural living communities would probably shy away from claiming us.

When my first son was born, he was colicky and miserable. Alas, I did not know the benefits of "baby wearing" at that time, and I did not think it was OK to hold him constantly, or to let him sleep in our bed. Having gained that knowledge before the birth of our second child, I collected slings and baby carriers, and set up a basinette next to our bed so that I could easily transfer him into our bed if he needed the closeness of mom. Unfortunately, I had let the pendulum swing too far and thus was bitterly disappointed when my second son did not want to be confined to a sling or on my back for any reasonable period of time.

I also quickly gave up on full-time co-sleeping as he turned out to sleep like a weedwhacker and my arms and legs sported painful bruises as a result. We were perfectly willing to having our children breastfeed for well over a year, and they both weaned at the "late" age of 18 months, or thereabouts. I nursed them "on cue" (whenever they wanted), and fed my babies in public on a rather frequent basis. However, while that seems to put me in the category of "militant breastfeeder", I couldn't be militant about exclusive breastfeeding when both of my boys began begging for food and grabbing it off our plates around the age of 6 months old.

They were introduced to solid food, and real food at that, long before any book or website told us was reasonable. My first son developed teary eyes after a taste of jambalaya, but pleaded for more and would not be satisfied until I put him on my lap and let him share my meal. That was long before he could feed himself. The militants would disown me if they knew. Especially because it was boxed jambalaya--oh, the horror!

We are not "TV-free" in whole, and our toddlers enjoy the occasional non-educational video. They do have plastic toys, although I regularly sort through them and trash about half (I swear, plastic toys breed like rabbits!). Our children have more toys than they really know what to do with, but they have far fewer of the "educational toys" that are supposedly so necessary for child development these days. I may be putting them at a disadvantage, but I have no intention of introducing them to computers and video games any time soon, although I do not believe either of those things is inherently evil and bad for mankind. We give gifts at birthdays and holidays, but we don't feel guilty for being restrained and cost-conscious in that giving.

We wholeheartedly agree with those who say that children should be praised for doing right and should recieve positive discipline. However, we also have no problems with saying "No" and applying negative, unpleasant consequences when a toddler is disobedient or about to do something dangerous. For our children, redirection goes so far and no farther. An authoritative "No" with a knowledge that we will follow through on that command works better and faster.

We are not rigid schedulers, but we have found that our children and our family need a semblance of order and a reasonable knowledge of what is coming next in the day in order for us to be happy. Some families may do best on a rigid, written schedule. Others may thrive on an utterly un-scheduled lifestyle. We fall smack dab in the middle. We have erected our family-style right in the middle of the middle ground, taking a a little information from this philosophy, more from that philosophy, and figuring out a few things on our own.

We have struggled with individual issues as each of our children are born and begin to grow older. We will undoubtedly change in perspective and maturity as our family grows--what works for us right now, and what is best for our children, may not work, and may not be best when they are teenages or when we have 6 children rather than two. To vaccinate or not, to co-sleep or not, for mom to work or not. We have discussed and wrestled with these things and in the end landed once again in the middle, for now. We make our choices based on our intimate knowledge of our children and their personalities, on our personalities and abilities, and on our situation in life.

If you are a new parent (or prospective parent), you need to know that the most important thing is not how devotedly you follow any given expert, or how close you come to being societally normal. The most important thing in the raising of your children is how thoroughly you study the issues and then your ability to take what you know is best for your children, and leave the rest without feeling guilt about it. Having taken all the experts into consideration, turn your heart to your children and set about discerning what is best for them, with their unique needs and personalities. And then feel free to thumb your nose at anyone who would try to tell you that you are doing this parenting thing wrong.