The Mystery of Raggot

Here is the story:

"Actual article from the L.A. Times':

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski,and his homosexual partner Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up into his rectum and slipped 'raggot', our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted 'ARMAGEDDON!,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the tubing like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story:

10.) "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!!!

9.) "So I peered into the tube..."Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8.) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of that guy's anus like 'Rocky the Flying Squirrel' on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7.) Suffering a broken nose from a grebil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was spring-time fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6.) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex-feinds breakind into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at the doctor and saying, "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3.) People named 'Kiki', which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2.) What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1.) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.