The Myth Behind the "Thong"

Initially I considered writing an article on Speedo's but the visual, alone, made me queasy. So... the "thong."

Webster's defines the thong as:

1. A strip of material, esp. of leather or hide, used to fasten or secure something.

With all due respect to Mr. Webster and his colleagues I have never witnessed a thong securing anything.

1. A strip of leather or hide used for whipping; whiplash.

This is a wonderful concept for GM & Ford! Who needs front & side airbags when a small packet containing his & hers thongs would suffice.

1. A shoe or slipper fastened to the foot chiefly by a strip of leather or other material passing between the first and second toes and often attaching to another strip of material, as a strap instep or around the ankle.

I've not had the opportunity to witness this phenomenon but after taking a brief survey in the neighborhood it has come to my attention that this strange, yet accurate, definition has been seen in numerous strip clubs and on rare occasions during excessive female alcohol consumption.

I've done considerable research over the years on the uses of the thong, most of which were happen-chance. My studies have shown gross abuse of this particular garment. It appears that the worst offenders of misuse frequent public beaches. I agree that a full body tan looks superb. I also understand the female need to do the dance of swan while parading the shores. What needs to be addressed is the lack of proper warning signs prior to entering a public beach. There are plenty of signs stating Swimming is at your own risk, Lifeguards are on duty and such but nothing that protects the innocent beach goers. What are these towns and municipalities thinking? Listen, I'm all for freedoms and rights but when mine are overlooked it puts a wad in my pantie. I think all beaches should prepare us for the worst in all respects. For example:

1.Dark sunglasses are suggested for added protection from unexpected UV Rays that may reflect off of bare buttocks.

2. Beware of direct and unsolicited prancing.

Both of those signs should be directly aside the one that states;

3. You are not entering Europe please leave your Speedo at home.

Now that we've cleared up the beach scene, it's time to take care of the real myth buster behind the thong. Men, it's time for a growth lesson. It may be a bit painful at first but once you grasp the concept your life, as well as the lives of many women, will become easier.

1. Not all women wear thongs because they want you.
2. Women over the age of 40 DO wear thongs.
3. Thongs are NOT welcome mats.
4. Thongs were not created for your pleasure.
5. Men that assume women find them attractive in a thong is a fallacy

Women were built with buttocks that, although firm in our younger years have a tendency to droop as we age. Women's panties are not made out of 100%, 25 ply, cotton which gracefully snug our behinds. Women's undies ride up, bunch up and on many occasions creep, in large bulk, to areas they do not belong. This large bulk can result in a tremendous amount of pressure when one tries to secretly remove the offensive bulking without notice. This unknown source of undie bulking can result in painful sitting periods, uncomfortable walking and well...a certain amount of stress when wearing fitted jeans, skirts or other tight attire. Due to the adverse affects extreme pantie bulking causes, enter the thong. A streamline, less intrusive, lighter yet firm one strand pantie that will reduce every day bulking from 85% to 5%.

Gentlemen, the next time you see a woman with a huge smile on her face, strutting past you like a float in the Macy's parade...it's not for you....

It's for the bulk of us.