The Myth of Men that Can't Commit

So your man can't seem to commit? It seemed to be going so well. You met, you dated, you fell in love. Now you've been in a relationship with him for many months, maybe even years, and he still hasn't popped the question. If you try to talk about it, he shuts you down or puts you off or comes up with all sorts of excuses. So you wait and you hope and you try everything you can think of, when suddenly it dawns on you that you must have found yourself one of those oft-talked about guys - the "commitment-phobe".

Giving a common title to what ails your relationship may bring you some modicum of comfort. Unfortunately though, it's more than likely a misdiagnosis. And not understanding what's really going on with your man will only leave your relationship sicker for longer.

The fact of the matter is, very few men are really "commitment-phobes", few truly have trouble committing to a long term or permanent relationship. On the contrary, most actually want, even need, a relationship as much or more than many women these days.

So why, then, has the myth of the man that can't commit become so prevalent?

Why it seems like your man just can't commit, reason one - He's Just Not Ready.

It can be just that simple. While he may really care about you, even love you, he may just be too young or too immature (even if he's a little older) to give up the freedom and opportunities that come with being a single guy.

And he may have as hard a time as you breaking up because he truly does care about you. But if he's not ready to vow away all of his options and settle into the whole white-picket-fence, two and a half kids and a dog thing, well, he's just not ready.

If this is the case, it's better to let him go. You know the old saying "... If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it's yours. If it doesn't come back ... hunt it down and kill it." (Oh shoot, wrong version!) I meant, "... If it doesn't come back, it was never yours in the first place."

I know it's hard, but if your man isn't ready to commit, you really are better off letting him go. If he's not ready, the relationship isn't likely to go well for long and he may always have regrets. Better to move on and find a man that loves you AND is ready to devote his life to you. Don't worry, he's out there. No really. He is.

Why it seems like your man just can't commit, reason two - Why should he bother?

Believe it or not, what grandma used to say is actually just as true today as it was several generations ago. Remember? Say it with me now ... "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?"

Yeap, a lot of women will give away the milk, even move in with a guy, so he's getting all the benefits once reserved for a permanent, long term relationship - ie. marriage - without him ever having to actually make that commitment. Then when she starts bugging him for a ring and a wedding date, he freaks out, pulls back, puts her off ... or puts on the game.

I'm not just talking about sex here, either, although that's clearly the biggie in the free dairy department. But if you're doing the cooking and the cleaning and co-signing for his new Lamborghini, there's not a whole lot of motivation to further tie up his options for the next couple of decades. He's got it all. And an easy exit to boot.

Well meaning women can shoot themselves in the foot over this one. It seems like a guy won't want you if you aren't giving everything and the kitchen sink to get and keep him. But in reality, the opposite is often true if he's a good man. Guys like to work for a woman's affections. They respect her much more. They are willing to give up more for someone who respects herself enough to put a value on all her benies. Keeping a little mystery aint all bad, either.

So if you've already been living with a man for months or even years and he just won't marry you, leave. Yeah. Leave. He'll either realize he does actually want to stay with you and he'll finally commit. Or he'll thank you for the wheels and drive off to the next, shall we say, bovine adventure. (Sorry) But either way you'll be better off. You don't want to waste anymore time with a guy who's really just using you. And you'll have learned a valuable lesson. (Especially once you've paid off the car.)

Why it seems like your man just can't commit, reason three (Brace yourself. This one could sting a little) - "He's just not that into you":

I know it's harsh, but so often it's true. It isn't that you aren't a fantastic woman - you know, beautiful, intelligent, articulate, funny, charming, a fantastic cook and housekeeper, a football officianado and a world class poker player - It may be that you're just simply not the one ... for him.

This doesn't mean you're not the one for someone. And your someone will be far more wonderful for you than this guy could ever be, no matter how great he seems and how much you love him now. I can't tell you how many women (and men) have had to go through horrible, painful breakups with people they believed were "the one" but the other party just couldn't get to that same place. (Okay, I can tell you. Pretty much everyone.) But then, years later when we've found our true soulmate, we look back and realize how much better off we are. (Well, usually.)

So try not to take it personally (Yeah, right). If he won't commit after you've been together a long time, move on and find the man meant for you.

I'm joking around about this a bit. But it really is true. Unless they have some serious issues in their past or with their psyche or their emotions that they would have to overcome, most men and women want to and will commit when they're ready, when they have reason to do so, and when they have found the person that makes their heart sing. Painful as it is to have to end any relationship when you care a lot for someone or when you thought you found your guy, there's just no benefit to trying to force it or to hanging on year after year after year.

Trust that you are lovable - He had to have loved you enough to have been in a long term relationship with you - and then break free from the dead end relationship with the good man that can't commit - to you - and find the great man that can and will. You'll be all the happier for it.