The Nature of Reconciliation in Relationships

To fix a relationship that has been broken, there may be a variety of things that must be considered. There is no magical formula that will make someone 'like' you again, or make someone come back to you. Depending on the nature of the injury and the severity of it, you may have to go to some lengths to reconcile.

But be warned, reconciliation is only possible if both people are willing. The steps outlined in this article will help achieve that willingness, but it is not guaranteed. In some cases, people just want out and nothing that is said or done will change their mind.

Step #1 - Seek Forgiveness

This will be hard even if you believe that you are at fault. If you don't think you are at fault, this will be harder yet. But you need to evaluate your goals. What is more important to you-the relationship or being proved right? If the relationship is more important then you'll need to swallow your pride and seek their forgiveness.

Many times, making this first move is enough. The dam is broken and both people make amends. But if your pride or your own pain prevents you from making this very vital step, then the relationship may never be healed. Someone has to be the mature party. Someone has to be the big boy or girl. Let that someone be you.

Step #2 - Open Up Good Communication Lines

Ignoring the elephant that is in the room will not make it go away. If there is a problem in the relationship, seek forgiveness, and then seek to have an open and very frank discussion of the issues that separated you to begin with.

The average married couple, for example, will have problem that separates them for a time. They cool off and calm down. They reconcile-but only in part. One or both pretends like the issue never happened. This leaves the door wide open for it to happen again, and again, and again.

People need to be able to discuss problems in a very calm and rational manner. Don't seek to place blame. Don't seek to figure out whose fault it is. Concentrate on solutions.

Step #3 - Involve A Mutual Friend, A Mediator, An Advocate, A Pastor, Or A Counselor

If the first two steps went well, you may feel that this one is unnecessary. But then again, it may still be. The purpose of a mediator isn't to explain what you are doing wrong or even to help you understand the issues in your relationship. There is nothing wrong with that, but that isn't the main purpose of a mediator.

What you want from a third party is someone that can bridge the gap between both of you and with whom you both can be slightly accountable to. As a counselor myself, I find that my most important job is simply being aware of the problem and making it known that I intend to follow up on it.

Knowing that someone will keep tabs on the relationship in even minor ways is often a very important part of reconciliation. It allows the people being reconciled to focus more on their part and duties.

But even more than that, you need someone who will vouch for both of you. You need someone who will go to bat for the other in front of you and for you in front of the other. There is no doubt that this is important. Having it said from someone else will help clinch the reconciliation.

Hearing it said from someone else is a vital key to accepting fully the reconciliation and to becoming determined to make the relationship work.

You may know the problems. You may know what you have to do to fix it. But involving this third party can make a world of difference. Even if they merely reinforce what you already know, having this verification is of great importance.

Often, this may actually be the first step. A good pastor or counselor will assist the both of you in the other steps.

To learn more, or to get the Author's book, 'Fitly Spoken', a book on developing communication and social skills for relationships, visit: www.fitlyspoken.org