The Newly Founded Church of Garden Gnomes

In my never ending quest to supplement my income a lot, but without any effort on my behalf I think I finally found a way.

I have to call it a church, although there won't be any spiritual enlightenment, and certainly not from me. You will get that from your own church. Also, as far as I'm concerned, you can do whatever you want, smoke as much as you like, and drink until you drop. It has nothing to do with me.

I won't promise you a great afterlife, and I won't tell you that you"ll be punished if you do something wrong. You will get that sort of thing in your own church as well. No, in my church you just do what you like.

You see, I have to call it a church, because of tax-reasons. The principal is very simple: I give you nothing and you give me money. I'm sure we will have a good relationship, because this principal has worked for a long time, and is very successful. I'm not talking about real churches, where you go to seek wisdom guided by the Bible. I'm talking about something else entirely here.

But, as I needed a "theme" that would evoke emotions with people, the humble garden gnome came to mind. Some folks hate them, others love them. Some people even claim that they come alive at night. Although that would come in very handy to support my money-collecting mission, it is unlikely to happen. But since other so-called religions have their principals based on rather weird ideas I think we'll fit right in.

You won't see a lot of me, if ever at all. I like to stay that mystical person behind the scenes. Besides, I'll be busy counting your donations. If I could put in a request : I would like a donation of a Rolls Royce. That way I can wave at you from the luxurious leather inside while you're standing in the pouring rain waiting for the bus. And while you go to your cleaning-job clad in your old clothes, I'm on my way in the same Rolls to my appointment with Armani or Gucci. While you come back all sweaty from your 5-9 job I'll be still fresh as a daisy and a cloud of perfume will follow me.

And since this is classified as "The church of the Garden Gnomes" I'll be wanting respect from now on. Although I give you nothing for the lovingly saved-up donations, (which should add up to about half of your small income) I expect you to love me. Your kids will go to school hungry and without shoes, bills will go unpaid. But please when the Landlord throws you out of the house because you haven't paid your rent, do not knock on my door. Yes, I know you've paid for that same door, as well as the whole house but you cannot expect me to be bothered with earthly things like that. You can pay me by cash, Visa,Master or American Express at the following number: