The Newsmakers with Brett Favre, Al Pacino, Ben Quayle, and the Friend Zone

A fictional account, i.e., parody of how, "The Newsmakers", an equally fictitious talk show-produced by a fictional version of George Lucas (his punishment for the "Star Wars" prequels) and directed by a fictional version of Michael Bay (his punishment for "Transformers 2")-that brings together fictional versions of some of the biggest newsmakers from the worlds of politics, sports, entertainment, and popular culture for a roundtable discussion moderated by a fictional version of socialite Paris Hilton (since the show would air on PBS, it would fulfill her standing court ordered community service requirement for her various sentences past, present, and future) might turnout.

Paris Hilton, Al Pacino, Ben Quayle, and The Friend Zone are sitting in chairs on the set. There is an empty chair onstage with them. They are faced by three TV cameras and the crew behind them, headed by director Michael Bay.

Michael Bay: "And we're rolling in five, four, three-"

Paris Hilton: "But, like, wait! What about, like-"

Michael Bay: "For the umpteenth time, Paris, the only words I ever want to hear coming out of your mouth are the ones you read off of the cue cards! Remind me; you can read, can't you?!

Paris Hilton: "Um, like, yeah, in, like, twelve languages, including, like, Latin, which is, like, dead."

Al Pacino: "Hoo ha?"

Michael Bay: "You said it, Al. Anybody who thinks they can speak to dead people has to be."

Paris Hilton: "Like, what?! No, like, when a language is, like, dead, it doesn't, like, mean you can speak it to, like, dead people, it, like, simply means-"

Michael Bay: "Save it for your psychic advisor, sweetheart. And we're rolling in five, four, three..."

Paris Hilton: "But, like, Favre-"

Michael puts his index finger up to his mouth to signal to Paris to zip it, and then points to the cue cards before silently counting "two, one" with hand signals. The cameras begin rolling, and Bay points to Paris as her cue.

Paris Hilton: "Hello, and welcome to another episode of 'The Newsmakers'. I'm your host, Paris Hilton, and joining me today are legendary actor Al Pacino, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle and the U.S. Representative for Arizona's Third Congressional District's seat in the United States House of Representatives, Ben Quayle, the most popular destination for unrequited lovers, The Friend Zone, and sure-fire Hall of Famer and all-time great quarterback, NFL superstar Brett Favre-"

Michael Bay: "Hold it! Cut!"

The cameras stop rolling.

Michael Bay: "Has anyone else noticed Favre's not here?"

Paris Hilton: "Like, hello, that was, like, what I just, like, tried to tell you!"

Michael Bay: "Hey, genius, when I yell cut, that means you stop reading the cue cards, and, as a result, per our understanding, stop speaking altogether! Get it?! Got it?! Good!"

Michael listens to someone speaking to him through his radio headset.

Michael Bay (into his headset's microphone): "What do you mean he hasn't decided whether he wants to do the show or not?! We flew him and his family here business class, put them up at the airport La Quinta, and took them all out to Captain D's for dinner last night!"

Paris Hilton: "Hey, like, if we, like, need someone to, like, fill-in, I can, totally like, call Alanis Morissette. We sat next to each other at the 'Sex and the City 2' premiere, and now we're, like, B-F-Fs."

Michael ignores her as he listens to someone speaking to him through his radio headset.

Paris Hilton: "I'm just going to, like, send her a text, like, just in case."

Michael Bay (into his headset's microphone): "Well, that's news to me! I mean, we broke hushpuppies with the man and his kin less than twelve hours ago, and we even sprung for an extra order of popcorn shrimp, if I'm not mistaken! And this is how he repays us?! I don't know about you, but where I'm from, there're certain things you don't welsh on after you've shared popcorn shrimp with someone! It's just not done!"

Michael listens to someone speaking to him through his radio headset.

Michael Bay (into his headset's microphone): "What?! He wants more popcorn shrimp?! And marshmallows, chocolate bars, graham crackers, and a propane stove?!"

Michael listens to someone speaking to him through his radio headset.

Michael Bay (into his headset's microphone): "Well, if George OK'd it, then fine, but you just make sure he's out here by the time we get to his segment!"

The Friend Zone: "Excuse me. Did I hear you correctly, you paid for his travel, food, and lodging?"

Michael Bay: "No."

The Friend Zone: "I'm pretty sure you just said as much."

Michael Bay: "Quit trying to dodge the question!"

The Friend Zone: "What question?"

Michael Bay: "And we're rolling in five, four, three..."

Michael silently counts "two, one" with hand signals. The cameras begin rolling, and Bay points to Paris as her cue.

Paris Hilton: "Friend Zone, what do you have to say about the rumors that you're gay?"

The Friend Zone: "I am gay."

Paris Hilton: "Like, what?"

The Friend Zone: "Yeah, openly. In fact, my partner, Samantha Ronson, is watching from the Green Room. Hey, honey!"

Back in the Green Room Brett Favre and Samantha Ronson are feeding each other popcorn shrimp in between making out.

Back out onstage Paris continues interviewing The Friend Zone.

Paris Hilton: "Like, wait. You're, like, a woman?"

The Friend Zone: "According to my gynecologist."

Al Pacino (lustily): "Hoo ha."

The Friend Zone slaps Pacino.

Paris Hilton: "Mr. Pacino, like, please, children are, like, watching!"

Al Pacino: "Hoo ha?"

Paris Hilton: "No, eight-year-olds don't, like, makeup our, like, core demographic."

Al Pacino: "Hoo ha?"

Paris Hilton: "Like, I don't know. Like, poor parenting, I guess."

Al Pacino (pointedly): "Hoo ha!"

Ben Quayle: "Hey!"

Paris Hilton: "Well, it is, like, true. They probably can, like, spell potato."

Ben Quayle: "It was a low blow is all I'm saying."

Al Pacino: "Hoo-"

Paris does a "watching you" hand gesture as she says:

Paris Hilton: "Like, eight-year-olds, dude. Like, eight-year-olds."

Al Pacino (apologetically): "Hoo ha."

Paris Hilton: "Like, all right, but I'm gonna, like, hold you to that. And, like, now back to you, Mr. Quayle. And to, like, quote my, like, best friend Alanis Morissette: Isn't it, like, ironic, don'tcha, like, think?"

Ben Quayle: "Isn't what ironic?"

Paris Hilton: "That you were so, like, offended by Mr. Pacino's, like, quote unquote low blow after you, like, gave our President a similar, like, low blow not too, like, long ago."

Al Pacino visibly struggles to, but manages to hold back his laughter at the continued utterance of "low blow".

Michael Bay (to Head Writer Monty Hamilton): "I'm getting that same feeling I got when I let everyone adlib their dialogue in Transformers 2. In other words, I smell an Oscar."

Ben Quayle: "I did no such thing!"

Monty Hamilton (to Michael Bay): "This is TV. We don't get Oscars."

Paris Hilton: "Oh, like, really?"

Ben Quayle: "Yes, like, really!"

Michael Bay: "Well, then a Tony, or Best in Show, or whatever. Anyway, you're just mad because if she keeps this up, you'll be out of a job."

Paris Hilton: "Like, really, really?"

Ben Quayle: "Yes, like, really, really!"

Monty Hamilton: "Oh, yeah, I'm shaking in my boots."

Paris Hilton: "Well, then I'm, like, confused..."

Michael Bay (under his breath): "Like, there's a shock. Great! Now she's got me doing it, too!"

Paris Hilton: "...Because was it, like, or was it, like, not you who, like, said the, like, following: 'Barack Obama is the worst president in history, and my generation will inherit a weakened country. Drug cartels in Mexico, tax cartels in D.C. What's happened to America? Somebody has to go to Washington and knock the hell out of the place."

Ben Quayle: "Yes, but I certainly wouldn't consider that to be a low blow. I was simply stating the truth as I see it."

Paris Hilton: "Like, very well. If you, like, truly, like, believe it, then, like, you won't, like, mind putting your, like, beliefs to the, like, test by answering a question thought up by a, like, third grader we pulled in from, like, off the street earlier, like, will you?"

Ben Quayle: "Not at all."

Paris Hilton: "Great! Like, bring out Timmy."

An eight-year-old boy named Timmy joins them onstage.

Paris Hilton: "Everyone, this is, like, Timmy. He came up with the question I'm about to ask Ben."

Ben Quayle: "Hello, Timmy. I look forward to matching wits with you."

Al Pacino (sarcastically): "Hoo ha."

Ben Quayle: "I'm not my father, Pacino!"

Ben and Pacino look like they're about to come to blows until Paris steps in.

Paris Hilton: "Hello, like, eight-year-old, dudes!"

Paris points to Timmy, who has been watching their every move. Pacino and Ben sit back down, as does Paris.

Paris Hilton: "OK, like, I'm going to, like, describe to you, like, four presidents, including, like, Obama, and after I'm, like, done please, like, tell me who is, like, the worst, and I'll, like, tell you the names of the presidents I, like, described."

Ben Quayle: "All right."

Paris Hilton: "Like, great! Here we, like, go: President A, like, inherited a long, drawn out war, but was, like, eventually, able to, like, begin withdrawing U.S. troops. President B, like, worked to, like, strengthen America's relationship with, like, world powers, balance the, like, federal budget, create more, like, jobs, meet the challenge of illegal, like, drug operations, and encourage, like, educational programs. President C, like, inherited a dismal economy, and, like, acted decisively to try to, like, improve it, but, like, none of the, like, programs he, like, implemented were, like, able to, like, immediately, like, solve the, like, crisis or whatever. And president D, like, inherited high unemployment, like, inspired hope, and, like, promised change. Anyway, that's, like, it, so which one do you, like, think's the worst?"

Ben Quayle: "That's easy. President D."

Paris Hilton: "You, like, sure about that?"

Ben Quayle: "Absolutely."

Paris and Timmy both snicker under their breath a bit.

Paris Hilton: "Like, OK. Like, president A is, like, Obama. President B is, like, Bush, Sr. President C is, like, FDR. And president D is, like, Ronald Reagan."

Ben Quayle: "What?!"

Al Pacino laughs hysterically.

Ben Quayle (to Timmy): "Why you little!"

Ben Quayle starts to go after Timmy, but is stopped short when Paris blocks his path.

Paris Hilton: "Like, eight-year-old, dude!"

Ben Quayle sits back down.

Ben Quayle: "Well played, young man, well played. In fact, what's your address? Because I'd like to send you a pony to makeup for my poor sportsmanship."

Timmy: "My mommy and daddy said I'm never supposed to give our address to strangers."

Ben Quayle: "You may have won this round, Timmy, but according to Google Maps I'm gonna win the war."

Ben holds up his cell phone, which is logged onto Google Maps and displaying a picture of Timmy's house.

Ben Quayle: "That's right. Guess who's coming to dinner. I am, and hell's coming with me!"

Al Pacino: "Hoo ha."

Ben Quayle: "Russell was all right, but Val Kilmer's performance made that movie."

Paris Hilton: "Like, thanks, Timmy, now, like RUN along. Like, seriously, RUN!"

Timmy runs away.

Ben Quayle: "You can run but you can't hide, Timmy!"

Paris Hilton: "Like, eight-year-old, dude! And I, like, find it very, like, disturbing that I've had to tell you that, like, at all let alone, like, multiple times!"

Ben Quayle: "Well, what do you expect? His question wasn't fair."

Paris Hilton: "Like, how so?"

Ben Quayle: "Well, if he'd posed a proper question, I, obviously, would've never picked Ronald Reagan as the worst of that group. I mean, he was one of our greatest presidents, and the idea that you can sum up all he did for our country in a vague statement-especially the one offered by Timmy-is ludicrous."

Paris Hilton: "Well, like, what's the, like, difference between the, like, vague statement offered by Timmy, and the, like, vague statement, like, offered by you in, like, criticism of President Obama?"

Ben Quayle: "Uh. Well, um. Uh..."

Ben gets a text message. Reading it causes him to grin.

Ben Quayle: "Did you know Timmy still wets the bed?"

Paris Hilton: "Like, so. What does that, like, have to do with, like, anything?"

Ben Quayle: "Only this: how can America trust a question posed by someone who still wets the bed?"

Paris Hilton: "I'm, like, not even gonna, like, say how old he is again, because you're, like, clearly beyond the point of reason as far as that goes. Also, you, like, never answered my question about why your, like, vague criticisms of Obama can hold any, like, credence considering your opinion that, like, similar statements by Timmy about Ronald Reagan carry, like, no weight."

Ben Quayle: "This is the worst talk show in history, and syndication will inherit a weakened broadcast!"

Al Pacino (exuberantly): "Hoo ha!"

Paris Hilton: "Oh, like, really, Al, you, like, think our show's a poor excuse for, like, entertainment?"

Al Pacino (smugly): "Hoo ha."

Al Pacino and Ben Quayle fist tap.

Paris Hilton: "Well, I, like, consider that a, like, compliment coming from you considering your, like, career choices as of late."

Al Pacino: "Hoo ha?!"

Paris Hilton: "Like, did you or, like, did you not just sign on to, like, co-star with Katie Holmes and Adam Sandler in a movie where Adam plays, like, the main character and his, like, sister?"

Al Pacino (meekly): "Hoo ha."

Paris Hilton: "So, the guy who, like, played Michael Corleone and Serpico is reduced to, like, playing third banana to Adam Sandler and Katie Holmes in a, like, cross-dressing comedy?"

Al Pacino (very meekly): "Hoo ha."

Paris Hilton: "Like, tell me, sir, have you, like, completely, like, given up or whatever?"

Al Pacino (defeated): "Hoo ha."

Al Pacino breaks down, beginning to cry in the process.

Paris Hilton: "My, like, one on one interview with Brett Favre when we, like, come back."

Michael Bay: "Cut!"

The cameras stop rolling. Ben Quayle storms offstage in a huff. Paris hightails it for the craft services spread. The Friend Zone heads backstage to visit with Samantha Ronson in the Green Room. And Al Pacino is left onstage alone still bawling his eyes out.

Michael Bay (into his headset's microphone): "Look, is Favre coming or not?!"

Michael listens to someone speaking to him through his radio headset.

Michael Bay (into his headset's microphone): "Well, how'd they get him to come back to Minnesota?"

A short while later back in the Green Room Brett Favre, Samantha Ronson, The Friend Zone, Ben Quayle, and Al Pacino are sitting around a propane stove making s'mores.

The Friend Zone (to Brett): "Dude, you have to come back out with us and finish the show. It's just not the same without you."

Al Pacino (to Brett; tersely): "Hoo ha."

Ben Quayle (to Brett): "Sub par treatment onstage, sub par treatment offstage! Somebody has to go to Skywalker Ranch and knock the hell out of the place!"

Paris Hilton and Alanis Morissette, who is soaked and pregnant, enter the room.

Paris Hilton: "Hey, everyone, this is, like, my best friend, Alanis Morissette. She, like, came by to fill-in in case you can't, like, convince Brett to come out and, like, do the show. Oh, that reminds me; Alanis picked up those condoms you asked for on her way over, Brett. Do you have those condoms for Brett, Alanis?"

Alanis Morissette: "Yeah, here they are."

Alanis hands the condoms to Brett, who in turn hands them to Samantha.

Samantha Ronson: "Ooh, ribbed! Oh, Brett, you're so thoughtful!"

The Friend Zone (to Samantha): "Wait. Why would we need condoms?"

Samantha Ronson (to The Friend Zone): "Oh, right. We need to talk."

Alanis Morissette: "Boy, it is raining cats and dogs outside. We're lucky we're inside where it's dry."

The propane stove sets off the sprinklers.

Samantha Ronson: "I love you, Friend Zone, just not like that, but we can still be friends."

Alanis Morissette: "Well, isn't that ironic?"

Paris Hilton: "What? That, like, The Friend Zone just got, like, put in the, like, friend zone, or that, like, even though we're, like, out of the rain, we're still, like, getting, like, soaked by the, like, sprinklers?"

Alanis Morissette: "No, that my water just broke!"

Paris Hilton: "Ooh, that, like, means your baby's gonna, like, be a Virgo! That's hot!"

TO BE CONTINUED...