The Next Generation of Genetically Engineered Food

Global warming. We are all aware of it. There isn't a place you can hide without someone pontificating on your carbon footprint, and how the ice caps are melting away, to the point where much of Northern America will become ocean front property. Lobbyists scream for better, more fuel efficient automobiles that reduce their carbon emission by 30 percent. Uneducated people argue about biofuels and electric means of transportation. Radio shock jocks proclaim that you should drink tap water versus bottle water to reduce waste; however, a majority of the Southern states are in a drought. How can one drink tap water when the tap is dry?

What big business isn't telling you is that global warming isn't due to your carbon footprint. It isn't due to non-biodegradable plastics filling up our landfills and choking innocent sea creatures who mistake them for lunch. Oh no, this is not the cause of global warming. We haven't done anything to promote the reduction of the ozone. We're being framed. And the culprit is residing right under our nose, without a care, without any admission to the fact that they are purposely trying to kill us. Oh, they seem innocent, and a majority of you reading this will not believe what I am about to tell you, because it will seem so far-fetched, so unbelievably unrealistic that you will balk immediately to the secret I am about to expose.

Global warming is due to the extreme amount of methane produced by cattle. Yes, cattle. They sit out, chewing their cud, roaming green pastures with a swagger that disguises their true intent. They are trying to kill us.

My simple proposal: exterminate the bovine menace.

Well, not all of them. We can keep a few in zoos so that future generations can view the monster which attempted to extinguish the human race through rising temperatures and environmental destruction. Oh they may look stupid, but in reality, they are a highly organized species. The days spent lollygagging about acres are actually secret signals between herds; each herd communicates to the other to the amount of methane that they have produced within that day. They reserve their methane production for daylight hours, as the methane expands within the atmosphere once released under the sunlight. This expansion creates more smog and pollution in the air, which in turn, creates pockets of gas which bubble up through the ozone. The cattle are literally farting us out of existence.

Now, many of you will disagree with my assessment, arguing that cattle are good for milk and meat production. Perhaps, but any dietician will tell you that excessive amounts of milk and meat are unhealthy to our delicate system. Is it not enough that they are expelling toxic fumes into the atmosphere, that they must also clog our arteries with high fats and cholesterol? Is there no end to their treachery?

However, for you milk and meat lovers, I offer you this wonderful substitute: genetically manufactured milk and beef products. Or as I like to call them: gilk and geef. And to be quite honest, it tastes just like ghicken.

You may resist the hormonally packed, antibiotic filled geef. It's only natural to resist genetically manufactured products. After all, it is produced with a laboratory, with extreme amounts of hazardous chemicals, which could cause mutant strands of viruses and bacteria, but it's a chance we'll have to take. Kill the cows and live with preservatives replacing your blood with chemical sludge; or let them live, and drown within the rising seas and fry under the solar rays which are no longer blocked by our protective atmosphere. It's your choice: exterminate the cows or exterminate the human race.

While this premise may seem a bit self-centered, well, we are the higher mammal here. They are simply animals, incapable of feeling, thinking, or living without our help. People, we are being targeted by creatures which eat grass that grows from their own feces. Is this natural? Is this healthy? NO! Genetically manufactured products are the way to go, for you know the exact chemical make-up of what you ingest. With beef, you have no idea what you are eating. You could be eating shit and not even know it. But with geef, you can rest assure that your dinner will be filled with wonderfully tasteful antibiotic ridden beef substitute. With no harsh after taste and a plethora of stock, geef, it's cousin ghicken, and the soon to be announced guna will allow the human species to continue on without the need for animals, grass, trees and ozone. The planet will be completely ours.

That is what we are striving for, correct?

So band together, throw out your plastics in the trash, toss your cloth environmentally friendly grocery bags in the closet, drive your Hummers around town incessantly. The destruction of the environment is not our fault. We can continue to live our carefree lives. Litter to your heart's content. Use cheap light bulbs and change them frequently. Run your air conditioner at full blast all day long. It doesn't matter. We are not the cause of it, and we can stop it. If everyone went out and killed one cow each, within hours we can reverse the desecration of our planet by these foul, disgusting, gastrointestinal challenged beasts. Within days, our air will be cleaner. Within months, the grass greener. Within years, the planet will be healthy again. It is that simple. Bovine extinction.

Don't you want your children to live in a methane free environment? Don't you want them to have a bright future? Genetically manufactured products can afford them pleasantries that are endless and sustaining. So it comes to this:

Kill or be killed.

The next time you pass by a dairy farm or a pasture filled with cattle, stop to consider this: they have been planning this evil takeover of the world for centuries. Like the methane in the ozone, their plan has been building up in their system since the beginning of time. They may seem innocent, but don't trust them. They are watching you. They know your every move. They are organized and prepared to become the higher mammal. They are the enemy.