The Nine Types of Convenience Store Customers

Have you ever walked into a store and wondered if you were one of "them"? Who are they, you ask? They are... problem customers. Yes, that's right. They are the people that leave an unforgettable impression on cashiers. There is a saying that states "the customer is always right". From my experience, that motto may not always be true. So here it is, a list of the nine most common people that frequent convenience stores and my solutions for dealing with them.

The Complainers: These are the ones that are always whining about something wrong with the store, but they mostly complain about the high prices like the cashier actually has something to do with it.

Solution: Tell them that you need a vacation, and in order to raise funds for this vacation, you needed to raise the prices.

The Cell Phone Users: These people come in with the cell phones practically stapled to their ears, and proceed to hold a conversation right up at the front counter, thus holding up the line behind them. When asked what they want, they make the cashier wait until the person they are talking to is finished.

Solution: Pick up the store phone and hold it next to your ear. Lean closer and peer at the cell phone user while holding your phone and say "Can I help you?"

The Never-ending Talkers: One would think that asking a simple question such as: "How are you today?" wouldn't result in the life story of a person. These people will go on and on if you let them.

Solution: Slowly walk away smiling and nodding your head. When you get the chance, dash for the back room.

The Thieves: These are the most obvious. They walk in, immediately look at the cashier, and head to the very back of the store. Every so often they will glance up at the cashier, and then look down again. They then proceed to steal $50+ of merchandise, usually consisting of Red Bull, condoms, and a magazine.

Solution: If you have a speaker that works throughout the store, try this:

"Attention shoppers. On their way out is our customer of the day. He has just shoplifted a Playboy magazine, and a package of condoms, size extra small."

The ATM users: These people come in, quickly glance around, then walk up to the cashier to ask where the ATM is located.

Solution: Politely tell them that the ATM is located under the huge blinking neon sign that says "ATM".

The Bathroom Bandits: These are the worst of them all. The only reason these people enter the store is to use the bathroom. They are so obnoxious that they will even interrupt you in the middle of a sale to ask you where the bathroom is.

Solution: Put an out of order sign on the door and observe as they walk in and look for the bathroom. Then laugh and watch their face fall as they slowly realize it is unavailable.

The Smelly Drunk Customers: These are the ones that go to sleep smelling like beer, wake up smelling like stale beer, and go to the store to buy even more beer.

Solution: As soon as you notice them in the store, pull out your air freshener spray. Right before they are ready to walk up to the counter, quickly spray the area. Ring them up as fast as you possibly can, while trying not to breathe. When they turn and walk away, exhale deeply, spray the air freshener, then inhale and enjoy the fresh spring rain aroma.

The Followers: Let's say you are stocking something in an aisle. You notice a customer behind you watching what you are doing. You move to another area and start working on that. One minute later you notice that the same customer is now standing behind the new spot you are in. These kinds of people will follow you around the whole store and be interested in buying exactly what you have to be stocking at the moment.

Solution: Pretend that you don't notice them there, and start talking to yourself about how your diarrhea has just started up again and that you don't think you'll make it to the bathroom.

The Condom Buyers: These are the funniest of them all. They will come into the store and secretly make their way over to the condoms, quickly glance at them, and pick one that looks the biggest. They then bring their condom purchase to the counter, and secretly hand it over to you like they are doing a drug deal.

Solution: Once you are done ringing up their purchase, flash them a big smile, give them a thumbs up sign, and tell them to have a great night.

There you have it. It is my hope that a cashier never has to encounter such people, but if they do, I hope they can learn from this guide. Maybe we can all learn from this guide and come together as one society. A society of price complaining-cell phone using-bathroom pleading-beer drinking-condom buying people.