The NiteLiters Prepare for Fantasy Baseball Season

What is it they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?

I can't remember, and I also couldn't remember to set my phone alarm for the correct time for the Associated Content fantasy baseball league live draft. Somehow it occured to me to check in and I found the draft more than halfway complete, so all of my high draft picks had been taken via a combination of my pre-draft assigned rankings and then, after this was exhausted in the first few rounds, computer chosen default.

Oh well, sports are about overcoming adversity and dealing with the unexpected, and one must assume in going into one of these things that contingency plans are worth their weight in gold. So, in that frame of mind, I have been scrambling to fill in a few gaps, shore up a few positions, and plan my going-forward plan for the season.

The one part of the draft I was able to participate in, and well I think, was the end of the draft, where many whose excitement was worn out during the rush of the first few rounds eyes have glazed over, in my choice selections in role-players. Unfortunately, I have had to move a few around already and release a few since the draft to get a more versatile bench, but the best move I have made thus far for the team....

Hiring COACH as the Manager. Many of you already know COACH, but in case you have not been among the many thousands, nay, millions who have become enamored fans and hateful stalkers of the coaching lightening rod, let me get you up to speed on his many achievements.

Most people don't know if or where COACH played his collegiate football career, nor where he is originally from. I will not be so bold as to say that I am one of the lucky few that knows the truthful details of his early life, but there have been rumors (rumors, I might add, that are also rumored to be cursed with grave and perilous harm coming to any that mention these rumors) that he spent his formative years growing up on a shrimp boat, and given his affinity for coaching in the SEC throughout much of his professional career, this may in fact be true. But as many know, facts are hard to verify in the life of COACH, but of the things that are impossible to deny:

• in 1966 was the quarterback's coach on the Florida Gators, whose quarterback, Steve Spurrier, went on to win the Heisman Trophy. This was the beginning of what has been since then a lifelong friendship and competitive rivalry that has followed each through their various stops in the ranks of NCAA, USFL, and NFL coaching.
• Was ejected from the 1972 Sugar Bowl for coming out on the field with the team during warm-ups in a blind drunk. After the game rushed onto the field and punched the recently deceased Vince Lombardi's wife in the mouth, stole her purse and car keys, and made off with her Cadillac. This was the beginning of the end of the first of COACH's multiple Auburn University coaching stints.
• Many have speculated that COACH's playing and early coaching career were under the tuteledge of "Much Travelled" Coach Lou Saban, and the first official connection between the two was made after the travesty of the 1972 Sugar Bowl, when Coach Saban gave COACH an unofficial job as the assistant quarterback's coach for the Buffalo Bills. In fact, many people confuse COACH with Coach Saban, but the fact that Coach Saban died a few days ago, rest his soul, and COACH still being alive and the new coach for the NiteLiters proves this often touted rumor plainly false.
• Let us please clarify that COACH does not like to be called "New Coach". He is simply "coach". There has never been a coach of the NiteLiters before COACH, so to refer to him as "New Coach" is an insult that he will not take lying down. The obvious rules are that COACH is "coach", and if there is ever a different coach, then that coach can and should be referred to as "new coach". COACH hopes that everyone in the media understand this distinction and strictly adhere to it.
• COACH would also like us to point out that this new job is a possibility due to the recent relaxing of his travel restrictions to the states of Nebraska, Texas, Oklahoma, and Missouri. The 30-year ban came to be in part due to the 1972 Sugar Bowl disaster, his subsequent DUI charge in February 1979 when he was pulled over drunk, with Billy Martin and Johnny Majors in the car, in Oklahoma. The fact that the three were alleged to have been involved in horse-tripping, soliciting sex and oral sex from virgins under the age of 18, making faces at dogs, spitting on sidewalks, and in the company of hookers known to do their own hair, all while on a nefarious "whaling" expedition--COACH would like to remind the members of the media and the many great fans of the NiteLiters that none of these charges were ever brought to bear in court, thanks to the excellent Jewish attorney that George Steinbrenner sent down to Oklahoma, although the attorney was not able to get the stolen car and assault and battery charges dropped from the 1972 Sugar Bowl incident. It is true that COACH was driving the Cadillac that had allegedly been stolen from Vince Lombardi's wife, but he found it abandoned on the side of the road and assumed that it was "okay".
• The large African-American man who is always in the company of COACH is named Bukner, and he is a former LSU defensive lineman who was on the 2003 National Championship team, subsequently drafted by the Washington Redskins by COACH when he was the Head of College Scouting for the Spurrier led-Redskins, and became the target of a COACH directed campaign of character and reputation destruction. COACH was angry that Nick "Nitelite" Saban had won the National Championship, even madder that he had this championship split with the University of South California, and took it upon himself to ruin the careers of everyone he could reach that was associated with the 2003 LSU program. Bukner and COACH have since become fast friends, and Bukner is now COACH's personal bodyguard. COACH still hates Nitelite, despite the audacious rumor that Nitelite is somehow related to the venerable Coach Lou Saban, and COACH refutes this rumor with every ounce of his being.
• COACH was reluctant to take this job, knowing full-well that the team was, in fact, named after Nick "Nitelite" Saban, and had to be coaxed with language in his contract that will not be made public. The rumor that this has to do with favorable deals and associations with local drug dealers, pimps, whores, and bookies is completely untrue and anyone spreading such rumors will find themselves the target of a slander lawsuit, or a mad and armed Bukner late at night knocking on their front door, or both, so consider this your one and only warning.
• Many would assert that COACH's long and storied experience coaching at every level of football, from Pop Warner, through Junior High, High School, NCAA Div III, NCAA Div II (now known as "Football Championship Subdivision"), and NCAA Div I (now known as "Football Bowl Championship Subdivision"), as well as the USFL and NFL would mean that he may be ill-prepared to coach baseball at the professional level. COACH's response to such criticism is "bullshit". COACH would like to point out that he was the assistant General Manager of the New York Yankees during 1981 and 1982 when Coach Lou Saban was the President of Baseball Operations. The rumor that this was mainly a cush job given in an act of nepotism to a down-and-out friend so that he could run around New York and get drunk with Billy Martin is completely false. Billy Martin was, in fact, in Oakland most of the time during the season, and while the two might have taken part in hunting trips during the winter and whore-mongering when the Oakland A's visited New York or vice versa, this may or may not be true but COACH is not going to confirm or deny these reports as of this time, or at any time until sufficient evidence comes to light that can prove him guilt of any wrongdoing.
• The other persistent baseball related rumor, that COACH was one of the 3 bookies cited in the Dowd Report, or personally familiar with any of the three bookies in the Dowd Report, or that COACH was a member of any organized betting pool with Pete Rose, or that COACH was a lackey sent by any of the 3 bookies cited in the Dowd Report to intimidate Pete Rose and/or encourage him to throw games or shave points is likewise completely untrue until such time that sufficient evidence comes to light that can prove him guilty of any wrongdoing.
• Neither COACH nor Bukner know of any evidence that can, in fact, link them with steroids in baseball or any other sport, and are prepared to sue or extort anyone that says otherwise, provided that this evidence is not somehow brought to light. You know who you are.

Well, now that we have covered the legalese, without further ado, I introduce COACH for his preliminary preseason player analysis and coaching strategy assessment:

(COACH takes over the press conference)

"Well, it looks like our Owner, Team President and General Manager really screwed up. But what else is new? Such is the life of a coach, at any level, and if there is one thing I am, it's a coach.

Baseball and Football aren't that much different. Both of them involve balls. And for a coach, job one is to put the best athletes on the field and give them a chance to win. I know I can do that, and I will.

Despite the best efforts of management to completely screw up this season before it even got started, I'm not going to let that happen. If I have to barricade them out of the clubhouse, tear every phone out of the wall, and ignore the press and fans, that's what I'll do. I'm not scared of a single one of you, I never have been, and you see that big scary looking guy in the back? That's my bodyguard, Bukner, and if you got a problem with me, you got a problem with him. I think you follow what I'm saying about that.

So, you might wonder, what do I think about this team I've effectively and as far as my lawyer can tell hijacked quite legally from the Ownership and Management? I think we can win. I think we can win every single time we take the field. I think we are so good we don't even have to show up and we still have half a chance to win.

You might think that is a rather lofty opinion of my players. Well, you would be wrong. I think I have assembled here the biggest and saddest collection of misfits, castoffs, perennial backups, washups, lackeys and losers I have ever seen in one room since that time I was locked up in South Carolina on a public intoxication charge. But there is one thing that I was able to learn in that South Carolina shithole of a jail. I was just lucky enough to find a copy of that book "Moneyball", which teaches the science of sabermetics. And I believe in science. Not in the sort of way that means I don't believe in God, because I believe in God. I believe that God hates me. And that's okay, because I have science on my side.

Everything I know about baseball I learned from Billy Martin and Coach Lou Saban. Even Johnny Majors knew a thing or two about baseball, but that's mostly because he liked to bet on it.

I've spent a few days looking at the available free agents, signing a couple, releasing a couple, cutting a few of my own players, bringing them back in just to make sure I have complete control of their self-esteem, and I think every one of these no-name morons are ready for April 5th to get here. Since the only player we've got playing that night is Chipper Jones, all the rest of us are going to go downtown and get shit-faced drunk and try to find some whores. But come Monday Morning, it's all business, all the time, until after the game. I'd like to point out to The Media, and most especially, the Ownership and Management who signs my checks, that I rarely if ever drink before or during a game anymore, especially to the point that it would effect my reasoning and personal control. Should a situation as that arise I will continue to manage the team after being kicked out of the stadium by text-messaging Bukner, who assumes control of my functions should I be rendered incapacitated.

Now, I'm not the sort to point out the better-than-run-of-the-mill players or put them on a pedestal over the barely-worthy-to-lick-my-turds players, but there are a few bright spots on our roster.

CHIPPER JONES, our 3rd basemen, seems to only get better with age, which defies understanding, and if our medical staff can keep him onfield for over 140 games it will be both a fricken miracle and an unbelieveable bonus for our team. Should he go down for any length of time we have brought in free-agent CHASE HEADLEY to pull up the slack and play on days that Chipper Jones needs to sit.

IAN KINSLER, our 2nd basemen, I hear is a really good 2nd basemen, one of the best in the game, so I'm told, but I have yet to see proof of it. Also, looking at his last 3 years of production, it looks like he's a fragile wuss. If he gets off track to hit 140 games he will be packing his shit and hitting the trading block faster than you can say ROBINSON CANO, who is our backup and highly capable 2nd basemen. Cano will also be platooning in the Utility/Designated Hitter slot, primarily playing when he plays at home, faces left-handed batting, plays on grass, or plays away in Tropicana Field or Fenway Park.

CARLOS LEE is our injury-prone left fielder. I say injury prone because he broke his pinky last year and missed two months. I broke my pinky once and played the very next day, so I am not going to stand for any such prima-donnaing. If Lee has any desire to keep the Flourescent Green and Black of the NiteLiters adorning his aging shoulders and big-ass head, he better stay on the field every single night he's scheduled to play. You hear me Lee? I see you playing with your blackberry back there and when I was a kid that meant something totally different than it means now. I hate modern life.

TORII HUNTER, CARLOS DELGADO, and XAVIER NADY are all top-200 bats in our lineup, and we are counting on average to above-average seasons from each of them to pull us through, especially if anyone else falls short. If they can or will do it remains the question to be seen.

JARROD SALTALAMACCHIA is the only catcher we have on staff, and now I am in the unfortunate position of having to care about how the youngster progresses in his first full season as a starter. Another youngster who is on our roster, but from whom I expect big things, is BRETT GARDNER, who will be platooning with Robinson Cano in the Utility/DH and will be ready to jump in the outfield lineup should Hunter or Nady need a day to sit or get injured. Today we brought in the much-loved defensive whiz kid JASON BARTLETT to shore us up at Shortstop for the time being.

Our pitching staff includes starters CHRIS YOUNG, JERED WEAVER, OLIVER PEREZ, and SCOTT RICHMOND. Our relief staff includes ace KERRY WOOD, as well as BRANDON MORROW, JOEL HANARAHAN and JEFF SAMARDZIJA, the young former Notre Dame star whose nickname is "The Shark". I'd like to see Samardzija be a regular by the end of the season, whether he takes the 4th starter slot from Richmond, or as a regularly working reliever.

I guess that will be it for now. Our next regularly scheduled press conference will be on April 13th. I don't want anyone calling my office or hotel room until then. That is all, get the hell out of here.

(COACH walks off stage)

Thank you for your time everyone and I'm sure the members of the media will love the throw-back and hard-nosed approach that COACH brings to the game. We expect great things from him and all of our players! Everyone have a great day. See you all in two weeks....