The Normal Family Show

My wife had been on the phone for about fifteen minutes. I had been listening to bits of the conversation by default, meaning that she was sitting next to me on the couch and talking so loudly that it made it difficult to hear the television. As she said her goodbyes to whomever she had been talking to, I heard her say, "Ok then, we'll see you on Saturday."

This statement resulted in one of my eyebrows raising as I queried, "See who, where on Saturday?"

"I invited the Bill and Linda over Saturday evening."

"POOOOOOP!" I thought to myself, knowing that the inviting over of company sets into motion, the production of a theatrical performance rivaling any that you might find on Broadway. I like to call it, THE NORMAL FAMILY SHOW.

The first step in producing THE NORMAL FAMILY SHOW is to construct the stage set. This involves transforming our house into a make-believe scene where everything is clean, orderly, and in it's place. But being only a stage setting, one must not look to deeply behind the scenes. Clothes are stuffed into the dish-washer, dirty dishes are hidden in the bath tub, and general clutter is stashed under beds, behind couches, or any place out of sight. Props are then added as finishing touches, props such as a fake exercise schedule stuck on the refridgerator, my Calvin and Hobbes book, Bass Fisherman Magazine, and the Home Depot Catalogue are replaced with "books of substance" on the coffee table, books with lots of words. And to top it off, a stack of drink coasters are displayed in order to give the appearance that our furniture is actually worth being concerned about keeping it in good condition.

However, the stage setting is only half of what it takes to produce THE NORMAL FAMILY SHOW. Just as, if not more important to a successful show, is the actors' performances. Before the audience (company) arrives, my wife prepares each actor for their role. The first order of business being the costumes.

I am required to change out of my favorite vintage Pink Floyd tee-shirt and sweats with the hole in the crotch, and into a nice pair of jeans and a polo shirt. I am then ordered to shave and q-tip the debris out of my ears. The girls are forced to remove any remnants of food that may have been stuck in their hair and then brush and install pony tails. Their costumes are matching, much to their delight (sarcastic) and are completely stain-free. The wife then curls her hair and dons make up.

We are then further prepared for our roles by the reading of "the list of things that we shouldn't do while company is here."

"Jon, no burping or farting at the table, no putting food or objects in your nose and ears in order to make people laugh, mind where you scratch, and use the silverware provided."

"Hannah and Natalie, no biting or hair pulling, including the children of our company, no whining, no crying, no acting like your father, and at least pretend to like each other."

All this preparation being done, it is now time for our guests to arrive. As they walk in the door, my wife gives the signal that the show has begun by saying, "Come in! I'm sorry the place is such a mess". As if the place was normally cleaner and we didn't just spend the last two days scrubbing, dusting, and stashing.

We then spend the rest of the evening being disturbingly pleasant to one another and refraining from having a psychotic freak-out episode because Natalie ate the last deviled egg knowing full well how much I like them. We sit at the table and pass food around, as opposed to the usual wander and graze that we are accustomed to. The television was left off the entire time our company was here, which was very painful and foreign to me, and I held all bodily functions until I felt I might be harming my health. All in all, the show was a success.

I guess I don't mind the production of THE NORMAL FAMILY SHOW, but I do find it humorous, in that, the family we portray is the exception instead of the norm. I'm sure that family does exist somewhere, but I think the only thing that is normal about THE NORMAL FAMILY SHOW is perhaps the fact that we put it on, just like our company will do the next time we are invited over to their house