The Not-So-Lonely Only

Occasionally I wonder what it might be like to have grown up with a brother or sister. I think about my parents' mortality and what life would be like if I were the only remaining member of my immediate family. I wonder if my Golden Years will be as interesting and eventful as the ones I have lived thus far. It's hard not to think about these things from time to time, but all in all, I do not have any major regrets about being an only child.

I would describe myself as an anomaly - even among fellow only children. My father is an only child. My mother was raised as an only child. We have a large extended family, mostly consisting of my parents' aunts and uncles and cousins on both sides. But our extended family is very much spread out and rarely comes together as a whole. You might assume that our house was very quiet when I was growing up! On the contrary, it was often filled with music and laughter as I learned from my parents how to appreciate the simple things in life.

I generally avoid telling people during conversations that I am an only child, because the response that I get is so incredibly predictable. "Oh, you're spoiled then," most people usually say (how interesting that so many of them would never have reached that conclusion about me before receiving this information). The typical assumption is that only children get most if not all of what they want, never have to share, and don't understand how to form healthy relationships with other children.

At the risk of sounding defensive, I have to say that I don't believe any of this applies to me! True, I never had hand-me-downs from my older siblings, had to hurry up and eat my food at dinner time before other hungry mouths gobbled it all up, or had to take 2-minute showers so that others could take theirs before the hot water ran out (to this day, I still have a problem with limiting my showers to just a few minutes). I have heard many of these stories from my peers who grew up with siblings. But I also don't believe that my parents ever felt the need to overcompensate for the fact that I was an only child by giving me everything that I wanted or letting me have my way. There were rules to be followed, lessons to be learned, and plenty of times when I didn't get my way. My parents were much more concerned with my overall development as a person than they were making sure that I was always happy.

I would hardly say that I had a boring childhood. I always had my share of friends (many of whom, ironically, were only children or had much older siblings). I was involved in gymnastics, dance, swimming, skating and a host of other activities. And I attended sleepovers with my girlfriends - just like any other normal kid.

One of the best things that came out of being an only child for me was the development of a vivid imagination. Not that a child with siblings cannot possess a vivid imagination, but I believe strongly that there is a connection between my creative side and the fact that I am an only child. In the absence of siblings to pass the time with, I entertained myself mentally and artistically. When I wasn't doing things with my parents or friends, I engaged in solo activities that provided me with much fulfillment. I developed a love for storytelling, writing poetry, and engaging in arts and crafts at a very young age. These activities were often encouraged by my mother and father, although I always seemed to take them to another level.

My parents often joke about how they gave me reading assignments to help me develop strong reading skills, and when they asked me questions about what I read, I would make up my own stories! I suppose that this is not unlike many other children, but evidently I had developed some level of proficiency when it came to traveling to far-away places in my own mind and returning to tell about them.

"You were very convincing," my parents often remark about my storytelling. "After a while we realized that we needed to start reading the books ourselves so that we could make sure you were telling us what really happened and not making up your own stories!" I also used to put on plays at home and skits at school. I remember the skits I did with friends during recess more than anything, because it gave us great pleasure to make people laugh. I don't think I have what it takes to be a stand-up comic, but my sense of humor just seems to become more pronounced - and perhaps even a little more warped - with time (you'll find traces of it in much of the writing that I have done here on AC).

I have some friends that wonder if they should have more children so that their son or daughter will not be an only child. I can't say that I ever intentionally try to sway them in one particular direction or another, but I do believe that having multiple children does not automatically guarantee that all of your kids will be well-adjusted, form close-knit relationships with one another that last into adulthood, or handle themselves better in social situations than only children. It also does not mean that one of them is guaranteed to take care of your when you become elderly, if that is a concern. Some elderly men and women complain that after having raised multiple children, they hardly ever see or hear from them.

It has been noted that there is a difference between an only child who "comes from money" and one who does not and there may be some truth to that, though I still would not agree with the assertion that all only children who come from affluent families are spoiled. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but we were not poor either. In retrospect, I would say that we were rich because of the quality of time that we were able to share together as a family. Regardless of family size, this kind of quality seems to be scarce in many of today's families as individual family members go about their individual - and often hectic - lives without taking the time to truly connect with one another.

My periods of loneliness are few and far in between because I have so many activities that I enjoy - be they group or solo activities. And when I do feel lonely, it is usually not based on whether or not I have company. In fact, some of my loneliest times have come from being around people with whom I could not achieve meaningful, substantive connections with, as those are the types of interactions that I enjoy the most. I am becoming more adept over time at superficial chit chat, recognizing that there is a time and place for it, but overall it is not my preference.

I hope that the majority of parents of only children (and soon-to-be parents) will avoid making the decision about how many children to have out of fear that only children are somehow deprived and miserable or just plain spoiled. While there are likely to be some who fit this profile, there are plenty of siblings who do too. Any dedicated, well-meaning parent can provide a rich childhood for their son or daughter while still helping them develop into healthy, well-adjusted human beings. Quantity has much less to with such outcomes than quality. And quality is what children will remember most about their childhood when they become adults.