The Obstacles We Endure to Have a Family

I had a buddy who once told me that children pick the parents they want to have. I suppose he was trying to engage me in a philosophical discussion, but I guess I just couldn't get past what a middle class conceit that idea was.

Anyway, lately I've been thinking a lot about the parent-child dynamic, specifically the obstacles that a lot of people navigate in order to become a parent.

From my own point of view, I left the highest-paying job I'll probably ever have and moved to an area of the country that had no job prospects for me and quite nearly killed me the last time I lived there in order to have children with the woman that I love. I wouldn't recommend this path to anyone.

I have a relative who is in the middle of an international adoption. This process has been anything but an easy one for her, as she has met unscrupulous adoption agencies and archaic rules and regulations from the adoption countries. Since these countries hold these babies in almost no regard, one would think they would be thrilled that someone wanted to adopt them and give them a good home. Instead they play politics while they seek to maximize the value of this "asset". I wouldn't recommend this path to anyone.

But a former boss of mine is involved in the most heart-breaking case of which I have ever heard. He and his wife have been unsuccessful in conceiving naturally so they have turned to other methods in order to have children. If you know of anyone who has ever done this, you recognize that this is an expensive and invasive undertaking, to say nothing of the romance-killing nature of the process.

A little over a year ago it seemed like everything was going to be worth it. My friend and his wife were going to have triplets. My first thought was how overwhelming it was going to be to go from no kids to three babies in the blink of an eye. But they were overjoyed with the idea of having a family.

Plus they were going to have a lot of support. His parents moved in order to help them handle things. Also, they are very active in their church and I believe the church was going to do everything it could to make life easier for the new parents-to-be.

But the triplets did not survive.

I had not been in touch with my friend very much, but I sent him a note congratulating him on his Phillies making the playoffs. He wrote back thanking me for my note and telling me how the Phillies had been a small ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark time. He and his wife were now expecting quadruplets and his wife had gone into premature labor and was rushed to the hospital.

They were able to stop the labor, which was a good thing because there was no way the quads could have made it if they had been born at that time. She was confined to the hospital and they were hoping to make it to seven months in order for the babies to have a chance at a healthy life.

Not quite 22 weeks into the pregnancy, the quads were born and did not survive.

I am crying as I type this. None of us can begin to imagine the pain involved in losing seven babies in less than two years. And how you move past that is a mystery to me.

My friend and his wife are both religious people. They have been crushed by this but it has not shaken their faith in the slightest. They have been comforted by the prayers of others and ask only for continued support of this type as they work through their grief.

If children really picked their parents, there would be a line a mile long to be the kids of Dave and Christine. Please join me in sending them whatever strength you can spare.