The Office Manager

One, two, tie my shoe. Three, four, shut the door. Five, six, get my coffee fix. Seven, eight -- keep that posture straight. Nine, ten, let's do it again!

Every morning I sing this lovely song to myself as I get a mind orgasm at the thought of my personal precision, like clockwork. Now, that the primary itinerary is out of the way, here's my other checklist -

• Two shot bottles of whiskey
• My green "medicine"
• A couple of porno magazines
• A digital recorder (just in case I one day grow some balls and decide to snitch on my corrupt bosses)
• One bottle of Valium or extra-strength pain killers

Don't feel bad for me. If I wanted to kill myself, I would have stayed home as I'm sure the costs of removing blood from the carpet and walls would be deducted from my final check. Plus, my bosses may need to meet with a client and my suicide may kill the deal. Do you know what I mean? Anything for the company, yay!

How I love my job is beyond words. From the time I walk in fifteen minutes early and start my log of office staff that comes in five minutes early and later to the time I shut down the office -twelve hours later - leaves me with a very busy day. I mean, really -- it takes one, maybe two minutes to turn on your computer and get freshly made coffee with the essentials.

We once had a receptionist who used to do fancy coffee runs and try to start stimulating conversation. That's when my log process started. At the end of the month, I calculated all of the things she could have done in the total of 45 minutes used to converse with other workers (a smart person would use that time to kiss up to the meanest bosses).

• Shake the toner cartridge
• Order supplies for the next fiscal year
• File stored papers that have been yellow for the past five years
• Dust (yes we do have a custodian but it would have made her look more useful)

Think about it, these people should be fortunate to have a job here. Sure we only offer four paid holidays a year, basic health insurance and we do throw employees a company party. No, it's not complimentary and the menu is what I feel up to buying but still, it's easier than asking the big bosses for a raise or to be reimbursed for travel expenses. That's what the IRS is for.