The Omniscience of Motherhood

I grew up with the innate knowledge that my mother had eyes in the back of her head. She was all-knowing and all-seeing and because of this fact, I was always on my best behavior, for if I was not, she would surely know! If Mom was not omniscient, how did she know when I took that cookie out of the cookie jar before dinner? As a high school kid, I returned home one Saturday night and was questioned by my mother about a friend who I knew had been drinking. She surely was all-knowing, for I had just learned of this fact myself and most certainly had not shared that little tidbit of gossip with her! So, it was with this knowledge of a mother's natural psychic abilities that I grew into motherhood myself and learned the true secrets of the omniscience of mothers.

When a woman becomes a wife and then a mother, she becomes a finely tuned member of the Secret Society of Omniscient Mothers. Unbeknownst to many men, marriage begins to prepare a woman for bearing and raising children. Eyes begin to sprout in the back of a woman's beautifully coiffed head literally as she walks down the aisle! Her training to become all-knowing and all-seeing begins immediately. An example of one of a woman's many training exercises might occur when her husband yells upstairs, "Honey, have you seen my car keys?" Without a moment's hesitation, the wife responds from afar, "...on the table by the backdoor underneath your ball cap!" Husbands naturally provide intensive daily training in the fine art of omniscience.

By the time a woman's first child is born, her powers of omniscience have blossomed and she is ready to tackle the first year of her newborn's life. She is able to know what her young offspring will need before they are aware they even have a need! Oftentimes, a newbie member of the Secret Society of Omniscient Mothers won't trust in her abilities. Never fear, young mother! Her powers of omniscience will be tested and honed every single day. Each year, her omniscience grows and the visual acuity of the eyes in the back of her head sharpens to allow her to survive her rapidly growing children's teenage years. Remarkably, even after her children have grown and moved on to raising their own families, her razor sharp omniscient powers remain intact and able to respond to her adult offspring's need for knowledge and reassurance at any time.

And so, as a young wife and mother, I myself joined the Secret Society of Omniscient Mothers. My two children were aware of the eyes in the back of my head and they would often enjoy testing my natural powers in a variety of ways. My daughter's favorite training exercise would occur while I was driving. Sitting behind me where I could not see her without turning my head, she would ask, "Ok mom, how many fingers am I holding up now?" I continually delighted in surprising her with the correct answer!

One hot summer day, I was busy cleaning the large mirror hanging in the foyer of our home, out of the line of sight to the back door. My daughter and her friend then came bounding in the back door. I immediately yelled, "Honey, close the back door! I don't want to air condition the outside!" The door was closed, then a pause. My daughter's friend then asked, startled, "How did your mom know the door was open?" Without missing a beat, my daughter replied, "You know, she saw it with her "back" eyes! All mothers have back eyes!" Incredulous, her friend then asked, "What about dads? Do they have back eyes?" To which my daughter replied knowingly, "Yeah, dads have back eyes, too...they just never use them!"

At that point I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I had reached the pinnacle of omniscience in my daughter's eyes! She was most certainly aware that I had that mother's all-knowing, all-seeing capability that I had recognized in my own mother all those years ago. There are many trade secrets held by members of the Secret Society of Omniscient Mothers. These secrets are revealed in turn to their daughters at just the right moment in time as they begin their journey of motherhood. If you can keep a secret, I will share one of the tricks of the trade with you. One of my favorite, best-kept secrets of omniscience that allowed me to know how many fingers my daughter was holding up and to see that the back door was still open...mirrors! Shhhh, don't tell!