The Opposite of Advice, Part Deux

Once again, we return to the advice given only in bizarro world. That's right, you emailed me helpful hints for living, and I made up the questions I just knew they corresponded to. For example:

Q: I've been writing a novel for the past three years, and I've just gotten stuck. My protagonist just got fired, and I'm torn between two scenarios: Either I want him to have invested wisely, and to be able to retire early (making the firing the best thing to happen to him); or, I want him take out a school bus full of 5-year-olds out of frustration with his lot in life. I'm afraid this latter scenario is going to make him less likeable to the average reader. What do you think?
A: A person's character isn't measured by how well they plan for things to go right, but by how well they handle them when they go wrong.

Q: I've heard people saying lately that they think I have a drinking problem. I woke up in a bus station restroom last week in a pile of what I hope was my own sick...I'm starting to think they were all right all along. My schedule is chock full right now, what with Easter masses coming up, and I just can't get away from the convent for long enough to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Can you go for me and tell me what they say?

A: The three keys to life are simple...1. acceptance of the things we CANNOT change...2.the courage to change the things we CAN...3.the wisdom to know the difference. all things can be solved with this.

Q: My husband is obsessed with the Lord of the Rings. Specifically, he thinks that he can turn objects from around the house into the Elven gifts given to the Fellowship of the Ring. I can't seem to walk into a dark room without stumbling on him holding one of our wine glasses, hoping it will light his way. Worse yet, he routinely covers himself with a blanket whenever I need his help taking out the trash or putting the kids to bed, thinking it will make him appear to be a rock. Having a sense of play is one thing, but I'm afraid this obsession with being a rock is bordering on the pathological. How can I let him know how unacceptable this behavior is, and encourage him to seek the help he so direly needs?

A: When dealing with a difficult individual, remember this little story...There once was a man who had a rock, just a plain boring rock, and more than anything this man wanted his rock to be a diamond. He hoped, and wished, he yelled, kicked and hit his rock, and at the end of the day all he had was a soar throat, and bruised knuckles...and a rock....The same thing can be applied to a person, no matter who or what you want them to be. Some people are just rocks, so instead of getting so upset, just think to yourself "oh well a rock's a rock"...then laugh and walk away.

Answers by Garceez

Q: Hey, Ainm, know any good hangover cures?

A: The cure is in the poison. You thirst for destruction...LOL!!!

Q: My husband recently cheated on me with my sister. I told my parents, and they were shocked, but not as shocked as I thought they'd be. They told me that my sister has always been starved for attention, and that I shouldn't take her betrayal too seriously. They then told me that I should confront my husband with my knowledge, in the hopes that it will open the doors to better communication and save our marriage. Instead, he left me. Now, I'm feeling doubly humiliated, hurt, alone, and still betrayed. I'm still close to my parents, and they still offer me advice, but I just don't want to take it. How can I metaphorically tell them I don't appreciate their bright ideas?

A: They deserve to eat a light bulb and have someone punch them in the throat while they are swallowing it.

Q: I've always tried to be a somewhat "cool" mom, but lately my teenage son and daughter are making it really tough on me. They've always been free to use whatever language they want to around me, but they've been shouting, "Fuck Me!" and "Eat Me!" constantly around me. The sexuality of those particular phrases, especially being directed at their mother, makes me uncomfortable. How can I tell her that, when they say things like that, it sounds like they are propositioning me, and it makes me feel creepy?

A: Don't be a fool. They are just playing you for a pawn. If some one asks for it, you should give it to them. Sometimes the best lessons in life are the most painful.

Q: I am concerned about my son converting to Islam. It seems like such a strict, extreme faith, but I really don't know much about it. What are the basic tenets of the religion?

A: Look at it this way, if it feels right and it isn't disturbing anybody else or going against somebody else's will, it is OK. But if the other is true for you, you need to consider your own motives and work on your compulsive reckless behavior.

Q: I just inhaled two week-old cherry cheesecakes, and my stomach is killing me. Can you recommend a good antacid?

A: Every time you hurt yourself, know that you are a masochist and that it is within your nature to recognize pain and fear as motivating forces, which if properly applied could turn out to benefit you.

Answers by Eli