The Origin(s) of Chuck Norris

The dry season had begun and cattle drivers all across Texas were making the trek north, driven by promises of green grass and even greener cash. The El Dorado Tavern was my sole escape from the madness and the cold beer sitting in front of me was now my mistress. I remember smelling the sweet smell of an imminent summer rain...what actually came, I never expected. He came out of no where. Like a roundhouse kick to the side of the head...Chuck Norris had arrived.

Dude, Chuck Norris, where the fuck did you come from?

I am often confused. But rarely have I been as confused as the day I ran across my first Chuck Norris fact list. Chuck Norris? The guy with the beard and the bad mullet? Yeah, he was in a couple movies (all older than I am) and starred in Walker Texas Ranger, which ran for 8 years with a cult following for being "so bad, it's good." The logic fails me, but the recipe for genius is striking. And now, the facts...

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

After exhaustive research, I STILL can't find any definitive origin of Chuck Norris. All I know is that whenever I ask a Chuck Norris aficionado, they reply simply..."You know the big bang?..."