The Other "F" Word

It has come to my attention that a guy friend of mine recently committed a cardinal sin with his use of the "other" F word with his new girlfriend. He didn't understand why she reacted the way she did. This alerted to me the widespread ignorance of this among the men in our society, and for them I write this.

Guys, you may scoff at this. You may laugh at its irrationality. You may ask me if I'm serious-I assure you I am. All I ask is that you give me ten minutes of your time and consider trying something different. See how she reacts when you decide to avoid using this word. See how she responds to the way you choose to react when she uses it.

The ladies know what this word is. When uttered by a man to a woman, it can offend her just as much as the F word might. The utterance of the other F word from a man evokes anger and embarrassment, a feeling of futility and finality, and often is replied with a cry for understanding. As a compliment, it is seen as mediocre at best.

It is the word "fine."

I remember some years ago, before children came along to ruin this particular piece of clothing for me forever, my search for a long, pretty dress ended at a Macy's store. It was black, form fitting, and it looked good on me. Of course, I wanted my husband's opinion. More than his opinion, though, I wanted his tongue to wag and for him to want me for the rest of the trip home. I wanted that look, the "wow" reaction. I wanted to be smacking his roaming hand away until we got back in the car. That's what every girl wants from her man when she tries on something new.
I walked out of the dressing room and found him sitting nearby. "What do you think?"

His even expression looked me over, his eyes lacking that mischievous twinkle I'd so coveted. "It looks fine."

Ouch. That wasn't what he was supposed to say.

I bought the dress anyway, but not without a dented pride. There was also a bit of indignation involved, a "what does he know, anyway?" attitude.

Fine?

I confronted him in the car about it.

"There was another guy nearby. I didn't want to draw his attention and have him look at you. You look good in it. Really."

Good. Just a step or two above "fine."

He didn't get it. It's like I now tell him: if I parade myself in front of him in a new outfit, he either has to tell me I look awful or amazing. "Good" might pass, if only to let me know I'm on the right track. None of this "fine" stuff. "Fine" is just the nice way of saying I'll pass for public decency. You may as well tell a girl she looks bad. Ask any woman, and she is likely to tell you the same.

Now, I know. You might be wondering "but women say this apparently 'offensive' word all the time." Allow me to explain why this happens and what it means with another example of a conversation a guy might have with his girl:

"How are you doing today?" he asks.

"Fine," she responds.

Now, the guy might simply nod his head and move on with his life, but in reality he should be asking "What's going on?"

Why? Because "fine" isn't "good." Not most of the time, at least, and you might want to make sure she's doing "good" at least.

Guys, you need to understand: women use the other F word to test our significant others concern-and often this goes unnoticed. It is also a way women might protest a conclusion of a fight, to say we don't feel anything has been resolved, but we're done for the moment. It's a way we tell others "I feel terrible, but I'd rather you didn't know that" or, even "I want you to realize I feel terrible without having to tell you."

Yes, it might seem ridiculous. Yes, it's rather passive-aggressive. Yes, she might be needlessly and quite annoyingly begging for undue attention. But perhaps, just perhaps, she is not. Only you can know which it is. Please don't ignore it just because you're tired and don't want to deal with it. Perhaps with some time and compassion on both ends, you can both get past this "fine" thing.

Most women want our men to understand that we need more from them. We want a solid reaction or the assurance that they can sense something is wrong. We use the F word to say this isn't happening, and we'd really like it to.

Here is an example of a conversation to clarify.

Husband/boyfriend: "So are we okay?"

Wife/girlfriend: "We're fine."

Husband/boyfriend: "Okay, good. I'm going to go watch TV/to the bar/to work/out with the guys/etc."

Does this mean she's good with everything, that she's done talking? Hell no.

Husband/boyfriend--I assure you all is not "fine." She might just need some time to chill, but all is not "fine." You might want to watch what you say, because the next words out of your mouth should not be "okay, well, I'll see you later." I don't care if you're late for work. I don't care if you're under the looming threat of losing your job should-you-be-late-once-more because "see ya" is the antithesis of the appropriate response to "fine." I understand that your job is your family's security, and you might just want to get away from the crazy lady who can't accept a compliment when she's given one, but at least hug her and promise to talk again when you come home.

Now, some men think they can "fix" the situation with another compliment ("but your hair looks great!") or by performing a good deed. Chances are, she will see these things as insincere and done out of obligation, an attempt to calm the angry beast, if you will. The result will quite likely be in the form of a more offended girlfriend or wife.

Most women need her man to understand that "fine" isn't fine, no matter who it comes from, you or her. Even if you remain convinced she is acting ridiculous, it is serious to her. She wants to know you know enough to follow up with a hug, another question, something to show you really do notice and you really do care.

And you'd better really care.

In the end, guys, you're safest if you never use this word, and if she says it, surprise her with your perception. When you do so, be honest, but be specific, and above all, be sincere. Understand this much, and your relationships will thrive. I promise you that.