The Other Half of My Heart was in Iraq

When President Bush made the decision to invade Iraq six years ago, I was watching the news with tears in my eyes. My then-fiancé (now my husband) had already been overseas for a little over a month as a precautionary tactic by the military. Hearing the words that we were going to war further cemented my fears that we would never get married.

During his first tour in Iraq, I watched the news religiously and was grateful for any news I heard from him -- be it going down to my dormitory's mail room and seeing a letter from him or receiving a phone call at early hours of the morning. It was always him. He came back from that first tour a little skinnier, but he also had that new aspect to his personality. While he was still the fun-loving guy he had always been, there was also a new edge to him and while I wouldn't call him paranoid, he was always aware of his surroundings.

However, as was the case with most people who were in the military at the time, he was due for another tour in Iraq. This one occurred a little over a year later, in 2004, at the end of February and beginning. But there were many differences. First, we were married as we had tied the knot at the beginning of January. He was also with a different platoon this time.

The first time, he had been with his platoon as what was called a "water boy." He basically did the job that Pauly Shore and Andy Dick did in the comedy In the Army Now. This time, however, he was with a platoon out of Camp Lejeune in North Carolina and these were Military Police. What this meant for us is that he was on an actual base that had been built in Iraq, which meant that he got to get on the computer and email and instant message more as well as being able to call more often.

However, with this perk came the fact that he was also in more danger; he was out there doing the policing work and was involved in more fighting, as it was part of his duty. I remember one time being on the phone with him and he told me he had to leave suddenly and hung up. I came to find out that, he got back from overseas that time, they had just started to get attacked and he had to go fight.

The second time, I didn't watch the news as much. It made me too paranoid and I already worried too much. The second time was also easier because we were able to communicate more frequently than the first time. I was able to be there to see him when he get off the bus at Camp Pendleton.

However, this time, because of the situations he had been in, he was even more aware of his surroundings and the way he had lived for the last seven months stayed with him. For example, he couldn't listen to fireworks for about two years after he got back; we couldn't drive by cars that were parked by the side of the road as the insurgents in Iraq used those as bombs. He didn't have as many nightmares as he did the first time, but they were still there. This was hard on us as we were still getting use to ups and downs of married life and now we had to deal with these new parts of his personality.

Another admittedly bad thing that happened is that we would try to play on each other's sympathy for each other over who had it worse; every time he would mention he was fighting, I would counter that I never knew what was happening to him on an everyday basis and he didn't have to worry about me getting killed back in the States. It was a very bad idea and after two fights like this we agreed to never go there again.

Eventually things got easier for the both of us. He ended up leaving when his enlistment ran out as they told him he would more than likely go back to Iraq and he wasn't up for a third trip. He has been out for a little over four years and is pretty much back to the way he was.

He still has the military mindset sometimes; nightmares are few and far between and he does have what I call a regimented view toward things.

As for us as a couple? Being together during the war helped us to appreciate us a little more. This is not to say we're a perfect couple and we never fight or get mad at each other because we do. But there are certain things we just let go; while it may irritate me he doesn't take out the trash, I never fight with him about because he could not be here because he was in the war.

While I'm sure he sometime wishes he could go off by himself more often than he gets to, I know he remembers those months without seeing me for the long stretches of time. In a situation that was hard on us, the separation somewhat helped us to be a better couple and to love each other a little more. Because if we can survive that separation, that fear of never seeing each other again and having it be a very real and valid fear, we can pretty much survive anything.