The Palin-Biden Debate: A Preview

Vice Presidential debates are usually a snoozer, but the October 2nd Palin-Biden oratorical slugfest will be prime-time entertainment. With its wild allegations of faked pregnancy and candidates being compared to animals, this campaign might be the most vitriolic since the Adams-Jefferson hatefest of 1800. Let's cool off in anticipation of next month's main event. Here's a sneak preview:

Palin: Good evening, Senator Biden--and my fellow Americans. It's great to be here in St. Louis. For most folks, this is pretty far north. But I'm from Alaska, and for me it's south. Boy, am I hot! I would've worn a bikini, but that might have posed some cerebral challenges for my opponent. In case you haven't heard, I'm a hockey mom, a former mayor of the city of Wasilla, and the current governor of Alaska. I can shoot, fish, and turn into a barracuda or a pit bull. And my husband Todd is a champion snowmobile racer.

Biden: Good evening, Governor Palin. I want to thank the trustees of Washington University for inviting me here tonight, and the people in this audience and around the country for watching. I've debated a lot of tough, smart women in my time, and I look forward to engaging Governor Palin on the important issues facing America today. I've been representing the great state of Delaware in the U.S. Senate for 35 years. I commute from Washington, DC to my home in Wilmington every night to see my tough, beautiful, smart, Ph.D.-trained wife Jill. Jill is so sexy that I'm confident that I'm immune to any challenges that Governor Palin may pose. I'm chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, a two-time failed presidential candidate, and a champion foot-in-mouth stuffer.

Palin [smiling sweetly]: Thank you for that compliment, Senator. You can take one foot out of your mouth now. And I hope that you have your passions under control. Otherwise I'll have to cut your nuts off.

Biden [hands in fig leaf position]: I see you've been hanging out with Jesse Jackson, Governor.

Palin: It's called working across party lines, Senator.

Biden: That's fine, Governor. Just don't scramble my wires...Now let's get to the meat--

Palin: Would you like some moose stew, Senator?

Biden: I mean, weighty issues. I've been to Iraq eight times, and, although things have quieted down in Baghdad, they could blow back up any time. What a hash the Bush Administration has made over there! With all due respect, Governor, you and John McCain will just produce more of the same. And what really scares the heck out of me is that if something were to ever happen to a President McCain, you'd be clueless. Let's face it, Governor. You don't know beans about foreign policy.

Palin: Senator, I might be a former Miss Alaska runner up, but I am not a bimbo. I've got plenty of foreign policy experience. I attended the University of Hawaii at Hilo; last year I visited Alaska National Guard troops in Kuwait; and I'm governor of a state that borders Russia.

Biden: You must have learned a lot staring into Putin's eyes from the Alaska border.

Palin: It was a task from God.

Biden: Do you really believe that the United States invaded Iraq to wage holy war?

Palin: Absolutely.

Biden: O Lord.

Palin [smiling and winking]: "Goddess" would be nicer.

Biden: So, tell us O Goddess, how does that mindset differ from that of the jihadists?

Palin: The Bible says that good shall conquer evil.

Biden: We've just outlawed the Putin Administration. Bombing begins in five minutes.

Palin: Need energy? ANWR is in my state, and it's even more fertile than I am. Come on in, America. Drill, drill, drill.

Biden: Making the earth into Swiss cheese isn't a solution. We need a comprehensive energy policy. First, drilling will help, but we've gotta have alternatives like solar, wind, and geothermal. Second, we need to provide incentives for private R&D. Third, we must raise taxes to fund government research. Fourth, there have to be environmental safeguards...Eighteenth--

Palin : I have the perfect solution to America's energy problems!

Biden: Pray tell, Governor.

Palin [bites lower lip]: Well, Senator, if we put you and Barack Obama in a room together and let you both talk non-stop for twenty-four hours, we'll have enough wind and natural gas to satisfy our energy needs for the next fifty years.

Biden [sighs]: If I'm not vice president next year, I might have to cut down on my public appearances.

Palin: Say it ain't so, Joe!

Biden: I ain't goin' away, Sarah. I survived Robert Bork and Clarence Thomas, and I'll get over you.

Palin [chortling]: You'll have to get over yourself first, Senator.

Biden: America needs change, Governor, and you and John McCain are more of the same.

Palin: Some candidates use change to promote their careers, and then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change.

Biden: You've repeated that line on the stump about a hundred times, Governor. I've heard fresher stuff in geriatric wards.

Plain: I'll have to talk to my speech writer about that.

Biden: And tell your coach that I said hi.

Palin: We need domestic oil to feed our hungry energy markets. You and Barack Obama, with your anti-drilling policies, are going to put America in a world of hurt.

Biden: Speaking of the world, I'm worried about Pakistan. This is a Muslim country with a nuclear arsenal and a troubled government that's constantly feuding with its neighbor, India. I'm looking forward to working with President Zardari, but I miss his predecessor. You know, the other day I was at a 711 in Wilmington, and there was this guy behind the counter who was a dead ringer for General Musharraf.

Palin: You can take the other foot out of your mouth, Joe.

Biden: I know where I'd like to put it, Sarah.

Palin: How about on the ground. You might steady yourself.

Biden: Have you read any good books lately, Governor, or have you banned them all from Alaska's libraries?

Palin: I never banned anything, Senator. I only asked a "what if" question.

Biden: As in, "what if there were no books with bad language?" Answer: the world's knowledge would rival your familiarity with the vice presidency.

Palin: I've been thoroughly briefed on that subject, Senator. For instance, I know that a vice president does not deal in prostitution.

Biden: Are you a product of the school voucher system?

Palin [pauses thoughtfully].

Biden: Answer the question, Governor.

Palin [fists pumping and buttons bursting from her blouse]: I can vouch for one thing: I've just put a huge crack in the hardest glass ceiling in America.

Biden: And I've just split my pants.