"The Parent's Handbook"

Lily embarrassed the heck out of me today. She completely threw a tantrum in the cereal aisle after I told her she couldn't have her favorite Fruity Pops. She screamed like she was being tortured and everyone was staring at me like I'm a horrible Mom. I don't know why I keep writing in this thing. Dr. Fidelis said a journal would help me with my postpartum depression. I guess it did. But that was four years ago. Days like today make me wonder. Anyway, the weirdest thing happened to me in the parking lot. As I was putting Lily in the car, some guy walked up to me and handed me this book, some kinda parenting self-help mumbo-jumbo. I almost cursed him out but I knew he'd probably seen Lily acting up in the store. All I wanted to do was get home.

Monday, September 25^th
3:43 p.m.

"The Parent's Handbook." That's what the book is called. I had completely forgotten about the thing until I went to the car wash yesterday. I was cleaning up some chocolate milk Lily had spilled and there it was on the backseat. Pretty big book. I didn't realize how thick it was until I picked it up. I thought it was a bunch of tips on how to raise your kid. But I was wrong. It was actually a book explaining what really happened in some of the world's most famous unsolved child murder cases. Really weird stuff.

Like that little beauty pageant girl from Colorado who was found murdered in her basement. According to this Handbook, the Dad found out that the little girl was evil. So he killed her. And that murdered teen in the Bahamas (Natalie something?) was part of some kind of Satanic cult-killed when she turned 18, by her own mother---not that Dutch kid who everyone thought did it. Oh yeah, and that Atlanta day trader who shot up everyone in '99-he was one too. But he apparently snapped and killed his wife along with the son and daughter. This crazy Handbook even lists the signs to look for in your kid, to figure out whether they've been "born into Evil"-the book says. Rules for how not to get caught. Court appeals processes, murder-suicide methods-- really sick stuff.

Lily can be a handful sometimes. But she's basically sweet. I mean--she does sorta stare off into space. And I do catch her talking to herself on occasion. But that's what kids do when they've got imaginary playmates. But there's something about "The Parent's Handbook" that freaks me out. Like, how come I can't find anything about it on the Internet? And why did the guy give it to me? Certainly, he couldn't have been implying... Whatever. Why am I even entertaining this? Well, my break's about over and I've only got two more hours left at this Godforsaken place. As soon as I get off work, I'm throwing that crazy book into the dumpster.

Tuesday, October 3^rd
2:12 a.m.

For some reason I can't sleep. I tossed out that conspiracy theorist rubbish. But some of those stories keep sticking to my brain. All of those missing and butchered children. Neat and tidy explanations for such horrid crimes. All because they fit some sort of Satanic checklist. Images of The Omen flash through my brain-crazy parents convinced that they're serving the world by killing their offspring.

My 2 am thoughts are interrupted by Lily, who is now standing in my doorway-hair piled all over her head. She's rubbing her eyes and mumbling something about a having a nightmare. How does she do that? Always sneaking up on me like a cat. I'll let her drift off in bed with me for a while, and then back to her room she goes. I'm still not fond of 4 year-old feet kicking me in my kidneys while I'm trying to sleep.

She's leaning against me now, sitting up and hogging my elbowroom. I've barely space to write. But I'm getting sleepy myself. "Let me play in your hair, Mommy," she says, rising. And she starts in on my own messy strands, crafting styles from her 4 year-old brain. Her delicate little fingers are making me drowsy.

Wait a minute. Why is she breathing like that? Is she catching another cold? Her breath is deep and raspy in my ear. I try turning my head to see if her nose is running. "Don't move, Mommy. I'm not finished," Lily says sternly-a little too sternly-and drapes one of her ribbons over my head.

I'm getting really drowsy now. Time to put this journal down for the night. I turn slightly to Lily and she's staring at me with a sweet, sly grin.

"Be...still...Mommy..." And she pulls the ribbon tightly around my ne-----