The Passing of My First Hospice Patient; A Volunteer's Personal Account

In October of 2007, after completing my volunteer orientation for Hospice, I received my first Hospice patient. I'll call him "Mr. D" for privacy reasons. He was a pastor in his community. His wife, Mrs. D, is still the organist for their church. He was in his early seventies. They have three professional grown children and several grandchildren. Mr. D entered the Hospice program in August of 2007 with the diagnoses of terminal Leukemia. He had been given a matter of weeks to live. However, because of the determination of his devoted wife, he lasted 6 months beyond the doctor's estimate. When I told my friends and family that I was going to volunteer just three hours a week for Hospice, sitting with patients and giving respite to caregivers, they all said the same thing. "Hospice, why? Isn't that sad? Won't that make you depressed?" Let's see if they were right!

The Expectations:

It was the last day of my 5 week orientation when we were shown the equipment that Hospice offers free to their patients. There it was; the dreary and depressing hospital bed, a portable toilet, and other hospital equipment like an oxygen tank. Flashes of my mother's final moments in the hospital went through my mind.

After sitting for 5 weeks through orientation and listening to all the lectures, it was finally hitting home. "Will I experience that same feeling I had with my mother as I sat with her for the last two weeks of her life in the hospital? Am I losing my confidence in my ability to go through with this"? These were some of the thoughts that I pondered. However, the thoughts quickly passed as I recalled my reason for doing this...to give back a part of myself that Hospice gave to me when I needed them. And I knew I had a gift for this.

The First Meeting:

It was around mid October when I walked into this charming one story home just minutes away from my house. I handed a rose that I picked from my garden to Mrs. D and introduced myself. She was a tiny woman but you could feel her energy just by observing her smile. Immediately after walking into the house, there was Mr. D to the right in his Hospice hospital bed with the oxygen tube in his nose. And there also was all the other medical equipment I saw in the orientation classroom. However, the tender smile I received from Mr. D seemed to ease my anxiousness immediately.

Mrs. D had to introduce me to him so he knew why I was there. We started talking immediately. I was expecting someone who looked like they were weak or barely coherent. On the contrary, if he wasn't in his hospital bed, I would not have thought he was terminally ill. We chatted about our travels around the world. I told him that I lived in Frankfurt, Germany and how I met my husband; which later we were married there. He told me how he and his wife were given a free trip around the world from their church for their fiftieth wedding anniversary last year. Mrs. D. wanted to interject here and there, however Mr. D kept overriding her comments. He was such a positive person for being given such a terminal sentence in his life.

Mrs. D was multi- tasked and a nurturing woman. Immediately, we had a connection with our energies. She had done so much research on Leukemia and going after possible cures that were not approved yet by the FDA. We were also both Italian which right away made us feel like we've known each other for years. Later I found out that their anniversary was the same as my husband's and I, only 24 years earlier.

Directly in front of Mr. D was a collage of large black and white framed pictures of the two of them when they were first married, fifty one years ago. I felt I was in a time warp, but a pleasant time warp. I knew Mrs. D. did this so he would remember how wonderful their life has been together.

The Time Spent Together:

As our time together was spent, Mr. D slowly started to talk less when I was over. Mrs. D. was always upbeat as if she knew she would be the one to conquer this menacing disease. She also applied her nurturing nature on me by sharing a lot of valuable information on what goes into our personal care products. Mr. D had Leukemia for years and because of this, she had been determined on keeping their bodies as pure as she could from the foods they ate to their personal care products. In fact she was the one that brought it to my attention on what chemicals I should be aware of when I bought my personal care products. And because of her, I changed my methods of purchasing them. I now buy all organic products whenever I can.

There were times I would come over and she looked so tired. She told me how this one night was rough. She gave Mr. D a pill and he bit down hard on her finger. She knew it was just a reflex because he was at times incoherent but it really got her down and sent her crying. However, she came back to explain how she felt a sense of calmness after she had that good cry. I told her someone was watching out for her. She agreed. I tried to comfort her by reminding her that what she was doing wasn't an easy job and she is entitled to cry if she needs to; to take time out for herself. The times I would visit would allow her to either take a nap or just do errands.

As the months passed, Mr. D would sleep and occasionally say something. However, no longer we could hold conversations. So now and then, I would ask him if he wanted something to drink or a leg massage to ease the restlessness. He would always answer with, "that would be nice." He came across as such a gentle man. And Mrs. D came across as his loving bride.

My husband and I have had a wonderful 27 years of marriage ourselves. However, to be present in this company with two people who were married 51 years, made me realize how lucky I was to have the same thing as they have, a loving marriage. In fact, it made me also realize that life should never be taken for granted with that partner.

The Last time:

The first week of February was the last time I had seen Mr. and Mrs. D. She was able to take some advice I gave her a week before to find time for herself and treat herself to something nice. On that visit, she went to do errands and included a manicure for herself. She proudly displayed her fingernails exclaiming, "see, Irene, I did something for myself".

However, I noticed on that same visit that Mr. D was not doing well. Despite Mrs. D's encouraging signs she felt she saw in him, it was the first time I heard him moaning. Then I could tell he was talking to someone. Next I would hear him say, "oh, Lord" as if he was talking to God. I would ask him if he was in pain and ready to give him some medication if he needed it. However, he said, "no". I asked him if he wanted some Propel liquid which was his favorite drink and he said, "that would be nice". It was the last time we spoke.

The Phone Call:

My coordinator for Hospice called me on February 13th around 4:20pm. As soon as I saw her name coming over on my phone's ID I knew what it was going to be about. She said, "Irene, a Hospice crisis nurse is with Mr. D right now. They expect he only has a few hours left. " At that very moment she said those words, I got a chill up my spine. Then, there was a pause. The next sentence she said was, "I just got a text that Mr. D. has passed".

We talked for a little more and I told her thank you. I also reminded her I would be out of town and not available till the end of February for a new patient. I hung up the phone and cried briefly. I didn't expect myself to cry because I knew it was going to come eventually. I guess it probably was my way of saying good bye to a kind soul that I know touched many people while he was on this earth. I also think it was because I knew Mrs. D tried so hard to look for that "miracle" that no one else could see but her. But she will be fine because I know that energy she has. She will continue to play the music which she loved so much and I'm sure she will think of Mr. D. when she does.

So Is Volunteering for Hospice Sad?

When I think of the good I did for this family and how many times the other family members thanked me, telling me how much help it was to have me there even for a few hours a week, you bet it was worth it. Life is about experiencing life. Of course it was sad to say good bye. However, this was about the experience of the end of life in a dignified way with family and caring people around. And I had a part of that. It's always worth it if you can get more back than what you give.