The Perfect Weight Loss Invention!

I am going to make millions hawking a new weight loss contraption, which will revolutionize dieting! Every illustrious discovery is borne of the inferno of frustration; this is no exception.

As background, I used to pounce on my home scale several times a day; upon rising, each time I'm in the bathroom, before sleeping...blah, blah, blah. It's true; successful habit change requires regular self-monitoring, albeit "minute by minute" seemed a tad obsessive. So now I only allow myself per week one "unofficial" home weigh-in and one "official" check-in on the calibrated scale at my meeting. (Why at home? Um, I don't know. Just go with it, OK? It's how I am.)

First, make sure the two are in sync. In that process, I discovered my home scale records five pounds underweight, so if I tip 180 on it, my "real" weight is 185. In the event I cannot attend a meeting, I now can at least stay on track.

Two weeks ago, it flashes "177," meaning my "official" weight is 182, the long sought nirvana for which I've been aiming! I dance merrily about the bathroom in my skivvies (please don't focus on that image too long), exhilarated by the prospect of achieving "Goal" - a dream shortly dashed upon the rocks of despair when I later weigh in formally at 184. I, now a broken shell of a man, come despondently to the realization that my scale is at present off by seven pounds instead of what was five. OK, I can work with that.

Next week, determined to reach my happy place of 182, l again step tentatively upon the platform. The scale Gods smile upon me, answering my prayers with "175." Adding seven (no longer five) lets me arrive at the magic land of 182! Repeat skivvies dance. Repeat joyous exaltation. Repeat disappointment; as later, I again weigh - you got it -184.

There is no avoiding the conclusion my home scale is now ill. Somehow, its little computer brain has lost its bearings, and it is drifting further from true north with every passing day. Although I am losing a "virtual" two pounds per week, my actual weight remains static.

This is when opportunity, encased in such woeful tragedy; radiates unto me!

Why not manufacture a scale for uninspired dieters who merely want to feel good, but don't want to actually change? I could make a fortune! I could even eat a whole lot and tell everyone I'm losing weight, even when I can go longer snap shut my pants!

Therefore, I vow to create the "No Diet Scale." The first time someone stands on it, it records his actual weight, which it stores in memory. Then, each subsequent time he weighs himself, it automatically lowers that number by a small random amount. The more times you weigh, the more you lose!

What's best is the user gets to feel good, without all the pesky details of actually having to do anything! It's the perfect solution to the obesity problem. Since dieters will no longer feel trepidation about weighing themselves - quite the contrary, it will always be a reason to celebrate - more people will go on diets! Of course, they won't actually be losing anything - and I haven't figured out exactly how to handle it when the scale starts reading "negative weights," but my marketing team is working on those.