The Person You Really Hated to See Go: 2009

One of the few predictable boons of a writer is that, at the end of every year, you can always beat writer's block by reviewing the careers of the "celebrates" or other such notorious and infamous people that went waterskiing on the River Styx during the past year. Generally, this involves a simple "cut and paste" from dozens of existing obituaries squeezed in between opening and closing paragraphs that could just as easily have been written by a well-trained chimp as a bored writer. Since your humble correspondent's ancestry is known to be at least three generations removed from other primates, I decided to get a little creative.

In the spirit of W.C. Fields' classic statement "It is time to take the bull by the tail and face the situation..."allow me to present the finalists in the competition for the title of "The Person You Really Hated to See Go in 2009."

Marilyn Chambers (1952 - April 12)

OK, let me see if I can do this without enraging an editor or two.

Marilyn Chambers was one of the first superstars of the "Adult Film Industry," which is what the less-enlightened among us once referred to as "pornography."

After unsuccessful attempts at establishing a modeling and acting career in New York and Los Angeles, Chambers moved to San Francisco in 1971. In early 1972 she was cast in the now-classic Beyond the Green Door, in which she shattered practically every existing on-screen taboo. At the time, such taboos included both lesbian and inter-racial sex. The film became one of the most popular "underground" films of the 1970s thanks, in part, to one of Chambers' few successes as a model.

Prior to being cast in Green Door, Chambers had posed with someone else's infant for a photo that was used on boxes of "99 & 44/100% Pure" Ivory Snow detergent. When the film's producers began using a "modified" version of that tag line Proctor & Gamble, the conglomerate that made Ivory Snow, threw the corporate equivalent of a temper tantrum and ordered the entire production run featuring Chambers' photo withdrawn from the market, sued the film's producers for copyright infringement, and then threatened to fire its advertising agency.

In the spirit of getting the final laugh, every film that Chambers made after that controversy featured a "cameo appearance" by at least one box of "99 & 44/100% Pure Ivory Snow" detergent. Proctor & Gable's profits apparently were undamaged by the "scandal."

Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy (1932 - August 25)

The last of the Kennedy Brothers cashed in his chips this summer, finally closing the political book on what appears to be one of the most accursed families in American history.

Some have observed that Ted never lived up to his potential. Considering his family's social and political history, that potential would have been a tall order.

The family patriarch, Joseph Sr, made a fortune as a bootlegger during Prohibition and as a stock market speculator before the Crash of 1929. In return for Old Joe's support in 1932, FDR appointed him to help write the rules for the new Securities and Exchange Commission under the premise that "it takes one..." In exchange for his support in 1936 FDR appointed Joe as ambassador to England, where he and Neville Chamberlain pretended not to notice while Hitler absorbed half of Europe. In the ensuing war, Number One Son Young Joe is killed when his bomber blows up over the English Channel and Number Two Son (Jack) is almost killed in the Pacific Ocean when his PT boat gets t-boned by a Japanese warship.

Jack gets elected in 1960 but is murdered three years later and Number Three Son Bobby gets shot in 1968 while running for Number Two Son's old job. By 1980, Number Four Son's political fortunes and charisma are such that, in his only try at Number Two Son's old job, he proves to be the only candidate less popular than Jimmy Carter.

If by no one else, the passing of the former senior Senator from Massachusetts will be long-mourned by a countless number of right-wing pundits who are too young to remember the days when you actually had to look for material rather than have someone drive a car off of a bridge and into their lap with a story that required no further fabrication. Maybe this survey will give Old Ted the one thing he never turned down: a few extra votes.

***

And the winner of "The Person You Really Hated to sSe Go in 2009" award is: Marilyn Chambers!

How many other people could you credit with being among the founders of a multi-billion dollar industry as well as being a woman that was simultaneously hated by both the Women's Lib movement, the Far-Right Bible-Thumpers, as well as the Ku Klux Klan and look good in the process? Besides, using Ivory Snow in "Cameo Appearances" was a stroke of pure genius.

If I have to spend eternity looking at someone, I would prefer that it be a porn star rather Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator.