The Pervert from Beyond!

The entity known as Fowf has the dubious distinction of being the only extraterrestrial to every have sex with a human being of the planet Earth He is also the only extraterrestrial to ever have physically visited Earth, despite various beliefs to the contrary currently prevalent on that planet. It is the first law among the various alien species that are aware of Earth that it should not be contacted until it has reached the desired level of maturity and nobody sees that happening anytime soon.

Such prohibition means nothing in particular since it is, for all practical purposes, impossible to keep anyone from visiting something as large as a solar system or a planet if they're in the mood to do so. This is particularly true when one considers how absurdly simple space travel is for the more advanced species. "Poof, you're there!" might give you an idea just how simple it is, save it is not necessary to actually say anything to accomplish it.

The various alien species, (whom we shall henceforth refer to as the Federation for sake of simplicity and because you know you want to), are, of course, curious, (or various things that come down to the same idea as curiosity), about Earth, since intelligent life is always fun to watch. But since they can observe you plucking your nose hairs from roughly a hundred light years distance, close physical contact is not necessary. Of course, there are always be those who would desire such contact and the opportunities for communication and the gathering of new knowledge that it provides, and the first law would have long ago been broken save for the actual reason the Federation doesn't contact human beings.

Human beings freak them out.

As near as can be observed human beings desire three things from aliens; 1) To worship them, 2) to kill them, and 3) to have sex with them. Any one or possibly two of these desires would be understandable, but all three are just too much for your average Federation guy/thing/entity to deal with, so Earth is left alone. It doesn't help that a large number of human beings claim to have been raped/probed/felt up by aliens. It is a commonly held belief among the Federation that if you were to actually visit Earth you would immediately be experimented upon, horribly tortured, and forced to stick objects into various human orifices.

Which brings us to Fowf.

Why Fowf did what he/she/it did, (Fowf's species is, too put it delicately, sexually limber) is a subject of much debate in the Federation. But despite a vast number of opinions it can be summed up thusly; Fowf is a drunken pervert. At the time of his/her/its visiting the earth, Fowf's level of intoxication was roughly similar to what a human's would be if were actually possible for a human to drink a swimming pool full of vodka, (one of those Olympic sized ones), and not die, blow up, or pass out for a few centuries. To put his/her/its perversity in human terms, Fowf is the kindergarten teacher who brings a gun and a tank full of jellyfish to his class and then proceeds to rape the jellyfish and to shoot any children who fail to write an adequate poem about his sexual potency.

Fowf was not a popular entity.

Which brings us to Fowf's hiding atop a human structure awaiting an opportunity to leap out and mate with something. In his drunken condition, Fowf had not prepared very adequately for his task. All he had brought with him/her/it was a quantity of his/her/its favorite intoxicant and a lightsabre, (the lightsabre is the only terrestrial cultural artifact ever adopted by the Federation as a whole). The lightsabre was necessary because Fowf was deeply afraid that Nazis, Ninjas, or Nuns would suddenly appear and get him, (Fowf was not a scholar and his knowledge of terrestrial culture was rather limited and, for some reason, fixated on the letter N). Time, (or the local version of Time), passed slowly and Fowf was beginning to reach that half-swimming-pool-of-vodka stage when the faint glimmerings of distant thought were beginning to make this all seem like a bad idea, when the human being appeared on the scene.

Drunk as he was, Fowf was able to resist the normal response of his species to humans, (which would be the rough social equivalent of sucking wildly on your thumb while shooting passing birds to discourage someone from asking you the time), and readied himself. He was making history! Soon all would know the name of Fowf! Of course, Fowf was not very aroused, (about as aroused as you would be at finding a ten-foot crayfish dominatrix in your bathtub), but luckily for Fowf his species had voluntary control of his sexual functions and he was ready to go.

Fowf lept! The human screamed! A jumble of sexual fluids, mists, and the occasional projectile filled the air! The human was hit by one of the projectiles and fell to the ground. As the projectile busily dug through the human's hair looking for eggs Fowf defecated several times, (thus indicating his intention to call the human later), and was gone.

Well, as you can imagine, the waves of shock and outrage at Fowf's act shook the very pillars of the Federation. Such a thing had never been done before, (not to a human, anyway), and Fowf was called to answer for his/her/its flagrant disregard of a general guideline. Fowf replied that he/she/it had been drunk and it was generally decided that Fowf had done a very bad thing and that no one would ever mate with him/her/it ever again, (not that there had been much of that going on before, what with Fowf's drunken pervert tendencies).

These days, (or which ever unit of time best fits your personal universe), Fowf sometimes regrets what he/she/it did. The fame, wealth, and profusion of sexual partners keep Fowf so busy that he/she/it misses the quiet time he/she/it used to spend on his/hers/its pornography comet, contemplating the mysteries of the opposite sexes. But such are the burdens of celebrity and Fowf will eventually shrug off his/her/its funk and get back to work.

His touring company has a backlog as long as a red star's diameter, and while Fowf does as little work is possible he/she/it is still required to actually guide a tour every now and then. Not that anyone else actually goes to Earth, (that whole watching you pick your nose hairs at a hundred light years thing), but they pay vast sums to watch Fowf go there. All in all, it's a pretty sweet deal for Fowf, though the amounts of intoxicants he/she/it has to consume to work up the courage to keep going to Earth is starting to wear on him/her/it. He/she/it will probably only be able to keep this up for a few more centuries, (terrestrial time unit), before he'll/she'll/it'll have to retire for health reasons.

(SIDESTEP)

....and the main story in international news today is the decision by the Chinese government to withdraw its troops from Tibet. Chinese government officials claim that it was always their intention to leave Tibet once China's security was assured, but there have been a number of rumors coming out of the Tibet of a mysterious resistance movement which has had a profound effect on the morale of Chinese troops. Details are not yet forthcoming but there have been rumors claiming an "Act of God" is responsible for the troop pullout. Well known sociologist Heman Gueller of Frankfurt claims.....

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