The Petty States of America: Green Lawns to Brown Lawns

You know things aren't so bad when most of the people in your neighborhood are worried about the quality of their grass. And really, the true sign of leading a successful life is being in that oh so fortunate position, where making your lawn the epitome of cover page pictures on landscaping pamphlets is your only real concern. The most successful humans can open up one of the classiest Landscaping pamphlets, order the platinum package-which will cost a pretty penny; nothing like those whiskey-shit-colored circles with the freer of Slaves on them. No. These pennies would be cut from diamonds, with a naked picture of Jessica Biel laser engraved onto its surface. And once that pretty penny is doled out, a truly empowering feeling will come from watching as the package is carried out by illegal day labors trying to scrape together enough cash for supper, only to jump back across the border at sunset. "Tortilla-eating peasants!" the successful would yell. Wildly shaking a gold plated bottle of wine that was aged in the same cave Christ was sealed into. Yes sirree, observing people worse off than yourself-so much that they must do miserable work for miserable pay-will surely put you in your place.

Bad news lives on a street lined with brown yards. And it is a bizarre world when petty nonsense such as the quality of one's lawn indicates what kind of status that person has. But after all, this is America. Pettiness is as prevalent as McDonalds and celebrity gossip. The sad fact that men catch flak for leaving the toilet seat up is just one of the infinite examples that point to a pandemic far worse than obesity and AIDS. Considering the most popular hot-button issues, it becomes painstakingly clear that we are all sweatin' the small stuff. Abortion, Gay Marriage, Immigration Reform, Stem Cell Research, Separation of Church and State, Evolution vs. Creationism, and on and on it goes. It is a mind-rattling experience to turn on the news and see so-called experts jabbering on about the same issues that have gone unresolved for far too long. Like a pack of school girls trying to decide who's hotter, Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt, each dialogue becomes a tornado of high-pitched squeals, screeching to a violent halt as both sides have their legions of devoted clods, unwilling to give even one compromising inch to the other.

And maybe that is where the problem lies. When an issue arises where certain people are overly passionate maybe, just maybe, it is not wise to pit the most passionate people against each other in a primetime showdown. Sure their dedication to their cause is unrivaled (except for that of their opposition)-and the operative word is their-but nothing positive will ever come from pitting an Adolf Hitler against a Malcolm X in a "civil" debate. Instead, the task of managing the nation's petty issues should be reserved for those with no vested interest in regards to the matter at hand. That's right. Take ten people who couldn't give a damn about abortion or any other hot-button issue, put them in a room, and tell them to come out when they have reached a unanimous agreement. The reason why we are still hearing about the same nonsense in broken record form is because the people trying to write the law are doing so under a guise of righteousness that masks a hideously petty agenda.

This does not come as a surprise since no person is going to pursue a cause they do not care deeply about. Nevertheless, a decision that affects the whole of a nation should be made by the people who care the least about it. Rather than having a preexisting opinion on whatever matter they are called in to deal with, they will come in with open minds. This should only increase the possibility of reaching a fair and balanced conclusion without any unnecessary time wasted. The approach might be a bit radical, but the current system has accomplished just as much as one would if they spent their time trying to bend a spoon using their mind-a spoon unchanged. Similar to the dolt who thinks they can bend a spoon with their mind, the petty moral warriors possess equal zeal and determination.

Which brings me closer to the point of this gathering of words and symbols; we as a nation have become blinded by false lights. Insignificant ideals have become sickeningly significant in our culture. Ongoing education and learning as well as shrinking the gap between the rich and the poor should be at the top of our to-do list. Ironically, both are slipping further and further down the list, bound to be lost causes in coming decades. In a life where we are guaranteed only the churlish certainty of death, we should spend our time doing as much as we can and absorbing as much information as possible. And the absorption of excess amounts of knowledge should not be limited to people with fat bank accounts and trust funds. The true path to a utopian and chaos-free society is through the pursuit of knowledge not material items. Sadly, chaos and social disorder can turn one hot profit. Brainwashing is something we hear about in movies and whacked out conspiracy theories, but the strangest bit is that an entire nation of 300 million plus people have been successfully inured to a lifestyle that is deplorable. Gluttony, greed, and lust are just a small batch of abject ideals that have latched onto to our minds like a jagged-toothed suckfish.

When the dollar is the only thing getting us out of bed in the morning, it will only be a matter of time before all the yards in America turn brown. The rich have taken this country in the mien of a crackhead ripping out a car stereo at lightning fast speed. CEOs and politicians who made a few billion bucks by turning the United States into a giant mall, selling false hopes to fools desperate enough to buy them, will be the only ones with luscious green yards. Instead of illegal day laborers mowing the lawns and trimming the hedges of their massive estates, those poor saps will be replaced by all of the Americans who cared more about voting for the next American Idol than the next President. Maybe then will we stop griping about how much it costs to fill up our 10 passenger SUV equipped with a Starbucks espresso machine and a fifty inch flat screen TV. Then again, when the scourge of brown yards hits, people will be so desperate for work that a family meal from KFC will be the new minimum wage. People will bike to work as cars will become luxury items, and in the end the American dream shall remain focused on achieving hollow joy from petty nonsense. Wait? So this whole article was a giant waste of time? Son of a bitch!

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