The Pins and Needles Life of a Mature Woman Coping with Diabetes and Sarcoidosis

My husband of twenty plus years and I had an argument a few weeks ago. We had gone to a work function of his that had run late. For me, this meant that I had to get home and take a shot because my diabetes had been active lately. For him, this meant leaving too soon because he was supposed to help with clean up. I immediately complained that he had never understood my diabetes and he had replied that he had just wanted to go to one function with having to worry about something. We argued for a moment and then he became silent. I think he was worried about hurting my feelings but what he was really doing was shutting me out in his own way. On the other hand, was he asking too much to simply have a night out - we rarely go out - without a hitch?

I have often heard the expression that Saints are sinners who have never given up. My husband has been there through thick and thin though he has seldom understood how I have to live. He keeps trying to help but he views the world through his eyes. In my mind, I picture thousands of couples struggling to ignore the elephant looming in their relationship and their bedroom. "The quality of the marriage was also important to good health, with people in poor marriages in worse health than those in good marriages" (Senay, 2005). How can a chronically ill person and a relatively healthy significant other stay in sync on a physical, spiritual and emotional level? And - in addition - how can a woman feel that her needs are met by a husband who is very likely misunderstanding her frustrations because he is overprotective or rushed?

Part of the problems it that the chronically ill person has a different focus than their active spouse. The chronically ill person may struggle to simply wake up in the morning. In fact, the highlight of the day for the chronically ill person is going to a new store so you can try out a different bathroom for a few hours. Trust me - you have not lived until you know all the restrooms in your area by heart. The good, the bad and the ugly combined with that need for comfort can create an interesting search for the perfect place for playing palace guard to local thrones. On a hot day, certain stores really do a good job of keeping up with restroom tidiness. Hours may pass while passing so that neat touch can be critical to the day.

How do you explain the above single stall viewpoint to a spouse who is a workaholic and simply wants to come home and work a little more before he sleeps? One partner has the busy day from hell at work and the other has a new product to help her overcome chronic constipation due to a new medication. Our views are worlds apart and not the stuff of hot steamy romance. So what can a chronically ill person due to help stimulate a little boudoir magic? How can the all too often restroom bound stir up a bit of passion in the outward bound? In my opinion, the key is friendship.

Sure, keeping fit is important for us chronically ill. "Reducing time spent sitting and increasing light physical activity has important health benefits that may reduce the risk of diabetes and other cardiovascular diseases" (ScienceDaily, 2007). But emotional stresses - and physical need - are both critical elements for a healthy life. Reading romance and a healthy imagination pale in comparison to having your needs met by a real live person. Taking the time to share -and cutting back on a few household chores - helps me avoid the pitfalls of isolation. This is especially true in a world where those with painful or disabling conditions have few friends that can relate to their experiences on a day to day basis.

Husbands as friends is not a new idea but it is an often overlooked idea in our world where easier and quicker is better than time consuming and sometimes aggravating attempts at constantly building a relationship. I am one of the lucky ones because my husband usually meets me part of the way. The drawbacks abound because there are only so many activities that I can do in a day. So our home is often a bit messy and we tend to use paper plates and plastic forks. In fact, we have learned to relax a bit and let some things slide so that we can talk. He might like an evening without a hitch and I might like him to be a tinsy bit more understanding at times but - on the whole - we have a pretty good friendship.

References:

ScienceDaily (2007). Light Activity can help avoid Chronic Disease retrieved June 15, 2007 from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/06/070612105513.htm

Senay, E. (2005) Feeling Sick? How's Your Marriage? retrieved June 5, 2007 from http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/07/11/earlyshow/contributors/emilysenay/main707948.shtml