The Pitfalls and Problems of Second Marriages

Second marriages work differently depending on the circumstances which give rise to them. For example, a man and a women have an affair then divorce their partners and marry each other. Elated by love or infatuation they may feel very positive. They're winners in love, not losers like the partners they've left behind. As the dust settles, doubt about one another may or may not creep in. If your new wife cheated on her husband, she may cheat on you; if he betrayed his wife, he may betray you too. A host of factors will work together to determine the quality of the new relationship, but overall each partner knows the other positively chose to be with them.

On the other hand, if two people who are deceived by their partners and go through divorce unwillingly subsequently meet and marry they may go through their second marriage all too conscious that they were never each other's first choice. Alternatively, they may find a more kind and genuine love than they had first time around.

How Old Are the New Husband and Wife?

Age is another important factor. If the couple are in their late forties or early fifties they may both be set on avoiding more emotional drama after the upheaval of separation, divorce and remarriage. Nevertheless, there may be awkward emotional, financial and practical problems relating to ex-partners and stepchildren. The ex-wife or husband may continue to have a relationship with the partner who divorced them, most likely a co-parenting relationship. The ex will therefore continue to be a factor in the daily life of the new couple. He or she may still command some affection, giving rise to jealousy in the second wife or husband. It's also likely she or he will continue to have financial dealings with the ex-husband or ex-wife. And a husband or wife who has left a first marriage may carry enough guilt over the infidelity and abandonment that he or she feels obliged to help out when the ex has problems.

Are Children and Stepchildren Involved?

Each partner in the second marriage will generally also know that the other loves his or her own children more than his or her stepchildren. The children themselves may be resentful of the new husband or wife if he or she has been instrumental in breaking up their family and hurting the parent left alone. There are also likely to be resentments and suspicions on the financial front. Is the new wife a gold-digger? Are the other children in the new set-up getting more than their 'fair share'? And if the new couple share wealth and property how will that be distributed in the event of one or other dying? There are plenty of cases where, for example, a man dies and his new wife inherits all he had; others where the wife is left in financial difficulty or has to leave her home because the kids inherit. It's not hard to see why these conflicts of interest can lead to festering resentments within the marriage and the broken families. It's also possible that the children from each broken family will resent each other. This kaleidoscope of unharmonious relationships can make daily life intolerable and holidays and celebrations problematic.

Blended-Family Management - New Children, Ex Partners

If the partners in the second marriage are younger, they may start a new family. In this case they set themselves up for all the complications that come with first wives, first husbands, and children from those marriages when new sons and daughters arrive. Problems and tensions are bound to arise once a mix is created of new children, older children by a first partner, older step-children, their mother or father, plus the ex-wife and husband. How confused will the siblings and half-siblings and step-siblings be? What constitutes fair treatment for each of them? How do you handle the different behaviors and expectations that flow from step-children living in other households but visiting yours? The tensions here may be greater than for older couples in second marriages. Contact with the ex-wife or ex-husband can be minimized perhaps, but when young children are involved there is always likely to be a high degree of discussion and decision-making. A new husband or wife, for example, must always be contactable by his or her ex in the event that one of the children is ill or in an accident. And on the everyday level, he or she will probably be required to offer practical as well as financial support, and may in some cases want to.

First Spouse, Second Spouse

Direct tensions between the new partner and the ex- are also common. The ex may be angry with the husband or wife who left and angry with the new partner too. Even if there is no anger, or it subsides, the ex may have good reasons - the children, for example - to maintain some sort of relationship with the partner who left. And when the ex-wife continues to be a factor in the second marriage, it's common for a new wife who had an affair with her husband while he was still married to feel antagonistic towards the ex-wife. In these cases, everyone suffers. There's often little understanding that the first wife has been wounded by infidelity and divorce. The second wife experiences anger and frustration at the continued presence of the first wife. The husband can feel guilty if he helps his ex and guilty if he doesn't. He faces pressure from his first wife and from his second. They each want conflicting things from him.

Here are two statements from a second wife and a first. They illustrate the conflicts of interest and the anatagonisms common to second marriages.

Janine, Carl's second wife:

"My husband's ex calls him all the time. She's always complaining about something. Her seven-year-old son spends a lot of time with me and his dad and I spend money on outings and meals for him. She doesn't seem to appreciate that at all. It annoys me that my husband still seems to feel sorry for her because he left. She doesn't accept what is quite obvious by now: he loves me and he doesn't love her. He should be a lot firmer with her in my opinion. I don't have any patience with her because they divorced four years ago. We're planning to have a baby ourselves now. She should get out of our lives and move on with her own."

Marianne, Carl's first wife:

"My son was three when I found out Carl was having an affair. He told me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. It was as if my life was over. The feeling of betrayal left me stunned. Carl had always said our marriage was forever. We'd been talking about having another child. Now I'm 46 and on my own. Every time Carl has our son for the weekend the feeling of exclusion is overwhelming: my son and his father, both with another woman. I've been on dates and I'd like to have another relationship one day, but it's hard. Once you are betrayed by the person you thought you had every reason to trust, trust doesn't return easily.

Remarriage after Bereavement

Marriage second time around can be less complicated when both parties are widowed. When these marriages happen, often in later life, the new husband and wife can find great comfort in the new ties of affection and companionship. After an acute period of grief followed by some years of solitude, the new relationship is a second chance to share love and common interests. Older and wiser, both parties are likely to be more mature and perhaps mellower than they were first time around. With no exes to complicate the new marriage, fond memories of former partners can be shared and are likely to be largely non-threatening to the new partner. Step-children and step-grandchildren may enrich the lives of both partners. On the other hand, there may still be lingering tensions around that difficult issue of inheritance.

Seeking Advice on Second Marriage and Blended Families

Unbroken families commonly face difficulties and tensions, but 'mix and match' families have a structural tendency to be far from straightforward. Information and professional help on the divided loyalties that can occur in second marriages can help alleviate tensions. Advice on remarrying after bereavement can also help smooth the way to a successful second marriage.