The Pitfalls of Relationship Expectations

Relationships can descend into chaos because we do not set clear rules on what we expect. One person excitedly anticipates one thing while the other remains clueless. This interaction inevitably leads to someone getting hurt and the other person not understanding what on earth went wrong. We've all known someone whose relationship is in trouble because of ongoing perceived slights or unfulfilled romantic dreams.

In my work with couples and people who are in the dating world we frequently talk about expectations and what we can do to get rid of some of the things that create a mess in a relationship. The main reason things get uncomfortable is that we raise the stakes to unreal levels. Everything has to be perfect and things are required to work in such-and-such a way. We make such a big deal that we forget that love isn't about the jewelry, flowers or dinner we receive, it's about forging a relationship with someone we care about deeply.

Relationship challenges usually occur because we have unreal expectations and because we do not operate in ways that are acceptable to both people. It turns out our relationships aren't perfect and we have to live with the consequences of our actions unless we do something to learn new approaches.

Think about it. If everything were perfect in your relationship then there would be less of a chance of blowouts and conflict. If you practiced excellent communication you could talk things over comfortably. If you enjoyed a complete lack of insecurity it wouldn't matter whether you got a gift or not. If you both knew each other's expectations you could work together on a plan that makes you both happy. The glitches in our relationships arise because people don't have these areas clearly sorted out. We haven't defined our expectations, built our communication and worked on mutually enjoyable resolutions.

Having room for improvement is normal and each of us is able to learn approaches that can help us clear things up. We can adjust our expectations and we can learn any number of skills that will help us get over the romantic hiccups.

If we start examining our own expectations we begin to learn why we react the way we do. Expectations usually reflect our need for some kind of reinforcement, security or fulfillment. These things are often so important to us that we expect to be treated a certain way and, as soon as it doesn't happen, we fall apart. When our needs aren't met we think it's because the other person doesn't love us, wants to hurt us or doesn't care. We agonize endlessly and make up all kinds of scenarios that usually end with us leaving the room in disgust.

The easiest way to get rid of the negative side of expectations is to not expect anything. Assume that your partner loves you. Think of ways you can make yourself feel great that don't require relying on someone else. Build up your self-esteem or do activities that lead you in a direction that will help you feel fulfilled on your own. It's amazing what happens when people give up the idea that it takes another person to make them happy. When we shift from being dependent on someone else for our happiness to making ourselves happy we suddenly become more confident and joyful.

We can also do amazing things to build up our skills as a couple. Try doing some research online or reading some books on communication, conflict resolution or problem solving together. This type of self-education can help you become an expert at communicating with your partner and actually resolve the thorny situations that come your way. It's amazing what happens in a relationship when people learn these skills that help them work through things. Give yourselves a chance to succeed by learning skills that will bring you closer together.

Today is the day you can start treating yourself well by modifying your expectations. You can have a wonderful and more balanced relationship by realizing that you are great no matter what happens. Work with your partner to make sure that you both have the skills so that every day is an opportunity to grow closer. Then sit back and enjoy each other's company.