The PMS Bitch Queen

Don't put on your Instant Messenger and leave the random chat/call me sign up, even by mistake. You will get the sudden urge to kill every single cyber seeker that contacts you. Come to think of it, all members of the male gender will suddenly become targets of your scorn, wrath and perhaps objects of revenge.

Do not do any work involving sharp objects if men live in the same house as you. Actually barricading yourself in the bedroom, with books, television, chocolate and wine, yes lots of red wine, sounds like the best plan. It's perfectly fine to throw things at men who walk into the room without checking first, but try to stick to soft things like pillows. Remember, if you injure them and they get blood everywhere you'll only have to clean it up. You know they won't. And you'll only get annoyed at the mess. So avoid the extra stress and try not to kill them. They can be very useful to fetch new bottles of wine, fresh supplies of books and other such duties.

Do not attempt, if you are a writer, to work on soft, gentle, romantic scenes. Instead channel that energy and write a blood and guts kill fest. There are some wonderful markets for those. Use it. Kill everything in sight in the story then dig them up and kill them again.

Weepy chick flicks are to be avoided at the height of pms as you'll only want to shout at the women in the movie for being such wimps to begin with. They're only getting upset over men for crying out loud. (of course, at the end of this period a chick flick, box of tissues and a soft pillow will seem like an ideal choice and should be used, along with copious amounts of the wonder drug in your favorite flavor, one pint is normally enough, or a smaller tub works just as well.) Recommended movies for the pre-weepy time include any of the Alien movies, Resident Evil, and anything else where a woman kicks ass and kills things.

Remember, if you're going to throw something at him, aim at the groin, you're more likely to miss. If you don't aim there, odds are you're going to hit him where it hurts and you'll regret it the following day.

But above all, if you suffer from that time of the month where you want to kill, kill and oh yeah, kill, please remember to tell your husband/boyfriend/lover the night before this hits that it's time to dig out the Kevlar. And after it's over - remember - he's one of the good ones, that's why you didn't kill him. He's one of those rare men who understands, or tries to, or at least nods in the right place over what you're going through. He's the one who holds you through the weepies. Who keeps the chocolate, wine and ice cream coming, and will be there when it's over to tell you just how much he loves you.